Can't sleep

Dear Jayne, I can’t really remember what I used to feel like before Mart was diagnosed, I sort of turned into a person, who kept everything under control, I automatically put everything in a box in the corner and said I would only look, when I felt strong enough, I think I’m still doing the same thing.
Today, I’ve had quite a few meltdowns, and I’m struggling with many things, hardly bloody surprising, I expect to feel like this for the foreseeable future, grief affects us in so many ways, not just emotionally. We’re all going to experience it differently, there are no rules. 
I don’t tell anyone how bad I’m feeling, and I won’t, well, unless I go down the counselling route.   

Please don’t feel disappointed in yourself, your living through a devastating moment in your life, all any of us can do, is just simply be who are now. 

You take care…bug hugs Linda xx 

Dear Paul, I feel for you, not that I’m in a much better state of mind.
Our daughter and granddaughter live with just me now, they rely on me, in different ways. Everyone thinks I’m lucky, we live together, they think I benefit from the company. As much as I love them, and yes, I’m sure the companionship is really beneficial  but sometimes  it such an effort to hide my feelings, but I  can’t let a 5 year old see me unhappy and distressed all the time, just not right.

I know I can’t say anything that will help you but know I care and understand when you say you don’t care about tomorrow. 

Take care….big hugs Linda x

Paul

Thank you so much for this message I have just had a long conversation with my son about our situation because my children are desperate to make me feel better but we can't be fixed can we wish we could, its really horrible deeply upsetting,I'm trying pretend I'm ok for them,they are trying to work out what I need while they are grieving too, I do keep pushing them away because I don't want them to know how bad I'm feeling iv put them off visiting me so many times with different excuses,I'm truly scared I won't get over this,first few hours in the morning are awful if it wasn't for covid think I would be in ane by 10 o'clock begging for someone stop the pain I feel, but I'm just hoping it's going to ease in time it's taking longer than I thought but you can't lose someone who was your world and accept it,feeling guilty is a problem for me feel sad for my children they lost there dad and there mum can't support them because I'm broken,sad for mark and what he went through and what he's going to miss its just so difficult trying to make everything OK when it's not x

Hello Paul

well done, such an achievement, I guess it’s similar to us typing our feelings here on this forum, saying them verbally would be a lot harder.

best wishes

Dear Jayne,

I understand completely how you're feeling, it feels like each day is tougher and you feel the loss more. Many times I think/say to myself this is not real it's just a very bad dream. Still I wake up each morning and the lady I lived for is not there, I want to scream in the street where is my Sharon, please bring her home. My children are both in their 30's but we never had a close heart to heart type of communication, their mother was very controlling and 32 years of marriage affected my mental health deeply. Sharon completely understood me and sometimes would get upset when she could see how badly I was affected. Like you each day I recall something else I miss desperately. 

For me bedtime is the worst I now pray each night that Sharon is at peace and reunited with her Man & Grandad who raised her. I also try to put a brave face on around the grandkids but it's so tough. My 7 yr old granddaughter has been an angel from day she was born. She's very bright and I'd happily spend much more time with her, but can't favour one over the other. 

I can feel the grief is changing me, and the thought of a long life without my one true love is unbearable for me. This forum is a kind of lifeline for me, as you don't feel others on here want to say get over it or that you're just a miserable rambler.

Interesting is I also feel guilty for various reasons now it's that I'm just miserable and make everyone around me feel the same. Another (I've never told anyone except my psychologist is, on afternoon of 17/10 I visited Sharon in the Hospice, she was heavy sedated and not communicating. I could see the pain & suffering and see didn't deserve this ending, a few days earlier she had begged everyone inc Drs, nurses, her best friend and even myself to end it for her. That afternoon when I bent over to kiss her I whispered in her ear that I didn't want to suffer like this and that she I would miss her but it was now time for her to let go and find peace !

That same evening she passed away in my arms at 9.35pm. at that very moment my heart was broken forever and I just lay on the bed holding her telling her how much I loved her.

I'm rambling now sorry, but just want to say it is critical for your own mental health to have at least one person you can offload your true feeling to. Try to get support from your local hospice, or counseling, or whatever, but do t bottle it up..

Freinds In Germany recommended a book called "On grief & Grieving" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler. I found it in my local Waterstones and so far it is very useful, not written in any sort of scientific way. Maybe this may be something that may help you with some answers.

Take care and stay strong.

Best Wishes

Paul xx

You are  a very lovely thoughtful person who has suffered a terrible loss as we all have on this site,hope we can all recover and find some kind of life beyond this but right now iv no idea what that could possibly be, think iv hit bottom today take care all of you thanks for carrying me the last few months xx

We will be ok just hurts at the moment

Linda 

Sorry for the late reply been a bit of a mess lately,dont know if it's because of Christmas really didn't need the stress,and my dog who has seen me through  17 years of ups and downs is on his way out, I'm really being punished aren't I.

Think Iv hit bottom now hope you find your way as I'm sure we all will in time xx

When it rains, it bloody rain’s, doesn’t it.
That’s really hard, the only thing that makes loosing a loved pet easier, is that fact they don’t know what’s coming, we’ve parted with many, horses, dogs and cats over the rainbow bridge and every time it really hurts. I’m so sorry. For you to go through all this now, on top of everything else is really, really shitty. 
I’m a bit concerned about you, could you call your son or a friend who will understand, you really could do with someone to talk too. 
Sending big hugs, doesn’t seem enough xx

I can't expect him live forever hes been an amazing companion hes got me through some tough times hes never far from my side my best boy,hes called louie hes a king Charles,hes done his best for me iv walked him for miles while mark was ill, mark made me get another Spaniel pup because he knew louie was going pass around the same time he didn't want me lose him and our dog and she's called honey she has some big shoes to fill poor girl