I haven't posted for a while, my wife of 38 years aged 61 died on Aug 24th from Oesphageal cancer. She went through so much pain in her last year and it's that suffering I dwell on. She died at home and I feel my brain is still on a loop thinking about the day she was told she had stage 4 cancer, the chemo, the sickness and death. I wanted to get Christmas over, and I thought I might feel better with it behind me but now I fear the New Year. I'm just siting here in silence at 3:20 in the morning thinking sad thoughts, life can be so brutal. I've had to go back to work but I can't motivate myself. My colleagues are kind but they treat it and compare it to the end of a relationship and I cannot explain to them the pain and loss of losing a life partner. I know I will be forever sad, I guess the pain will diminish but with each passing day I feal I'm drifting away from Lorraine and I don't want to. I guess the problem with this group is that there are no answers, we are all in the same boat. I just felt the need to post this to relieve some of the pain. Thanks for listening.
Steve
Hi Steve, I lost my husband 11 weeks ago tomorrow, the events of the last 24 hours of his life, I constantly re-play in my head, I’m finding it really hard. I suspect we all go through similar feelings and emotions, just at different times. Maybe, rather than drifting away from Lorraine, your brain is giving you a little break from the pain of loosing her. Be kind to yourself and keep sharing how you feel.
Big hug 
take care……Linda
It’s hard to hide feelings, although I do it all the time, our daughter and granddaughter live with us, so I try to make an effort for a 5 year old girl, who’s already grieving for her favourite playmate.
Mart had colorectal, he had surgery, permanent stoma and all the various treatments, none worked. He was also a non smoker, he was a bit of a foodie but extremely fit and was a low handicap golfer. He was so pragmatic, he actually made it easier for me, he was so strong, wouldn’t accept he wouldn’t live another 10 years, he never talked of any fears he had.
This year was the hardest, the treatments took their toll. I tried to access every treatment I could, RD&E hospital were probably glad to see the back of me, I challenged the unfair postcode lottery for Avastin, I still haven’t given up as it might help someone else, I just need more time, battery is somewhat drained.
I mirror you feelings of emptiness, lonely, lost and sad, if it wasn’t for the girls.
I’m so glad you found her journal, as bittersweet as it must be, you know how much she loved you, although I said it daily, Mart would tell me not to fuss, the day before he passed he was asking the physiotherapist when he could start golfing again, actually remembering that makes me smile and cry, goodness, I had better close.
You take care
