Can't sleep

Hello

I have to echo what LTT said. and to me you do sound positive, I couldn’t even begin to think about starting a job, can’t even bring myself to go to a coffee morning yet, and moving home as well, you have to be proud of yourself,  Best of luck for Tuesday

Hello

My life isn’t moving forward at all, I don’t have the courage or strength, I dread waking up every single morning and facing another pointless day. Tomorrows highlight will be taking the Christmas tree down, which will no doubt have me bawling. Spent the most of today just laying in bed dozing and listening to my relaxation music, just couldn’t bear anything else, just keep hoping and praying that it will get easier. Got a DR phone appointment on the 4th, plan to discuss my AD and maybe try a different one, this one makes my eyes so dry and itchy. Surely to God this can’t be what the rest of my life is going to be like. Best time of the day now, going to sleep.

keep safe and well

I thought the first 2/3 months were painful but I was glad he wasn't suffering anymore like some relief it was over,but now I am having more memories of my mark when he was well and himself but I'm finding these memories even more sad and depressing I want him back I just want to touch him,hear his voice and  hold him I hate the morning i feel so unwell.

Hello Jayne

i was managing a little better before Christmas, I am hoping that in a few weeks things will improve slightly. Hopefully you will as well. Part of me wants to try and concentrate on day to day stuff, but my mind won’t let me, I too keep thinking of my partner, special occasions etc. I think it must be the minds way of processing this, I know exactly how you feel, wish I could send you strength x

keep safe and well

Dear Keith,

• It's now 1.32am and I just saw your message come through. You pretty well describe my situation exactly. I'm up at this time having just had a long cry holding my beautiful wife's urn, and almost screaming please come back to me I miss you so much. today I went to my brother's for a roast chicken dinner. All was well until the meal was served, I'm then suddenly overwhelmed with tears and fear, is this really my future ! I can't go to family for a meal, because all I can think about is the meals my darling Sharon used to cook. Thankfully I didn't put up any Xmas decorations. When I left my brother's I get home and just break down, into an empty house. Then I start thinking there is no relief in sight and tomorrow I'll stay on bed as long as I can rather than face the drudgery of another day without the touch, sound, feel of the lady who was my whole life. LTT I'm the same I want nothing in life but to hold her hand, and have a cuddle to make me feel 10 feet tall again.
• Life is so damned tough without the love of your life, and to think this could be the next 10+ years. It's doesn't bare thinking about.
• Hope my sleeping tablet kicks in very soon.

Best Wishes and try to stay strong.

Paul xx

Paul 

I am so sorry, no one should experience this level of suffering, it’s painful beyond words. Most of my days are just written off, can’t bring myself to do anything, don’t think my children know what to say to me now, mostly they say “ you’re doing really well” or “ hopefully be better tomorrow”. I am honest with them, but what can they do ?, nothing really. I am going to try phoning one of them each day, for a short chat, talking does seem to help me. It’s like being in solitary confinement here, I talk to myself sometimes, not a good sign I hear.

I built planters in the back garden for my Linda, as it was too painful for her to reach to the ground to tend the flowers she loved so much, however now, I rarely go into the back garden, except to cut the lawn, sit in the lounge blinds drawn, so thinking to dismantle the planters, makes me feel really sad, as I built these especially for Linda. But my eldest Son has suggested we use the planters for some perennial plants, he has loads of varieties, and when they are large enough in 1-2 years I can remove the planters and plant the perennials in the ground. It will remove the anxiety of planting annuals every year, I think it will be better. So in a small way I guess that’s a positive step. Also the planter liners are starting to break up and I planned to empty them and reline with pond liner, so that’s something I won’t need to do.

my Blood Pressure is on the high side and taking meds for it, but not making and real difference, taken readings twice day for 10 days for the DR to make a decision on any changes that may be needed. But does scare me having high Blood Pressure, maybe it’s the grief causing it, I just don’t know.

I do so hope you manage to sleep well tonight, thinking of you.

keep safe and well

Hi Keith,

I've taken BP medication for several years now, and I know it can take the Dr some weeks to fine tune them to suit the individual. Couple of years ago I had to have a stent in my heart, Sharon was so worried & upset. My heart seems fine now, although I'm classed as having angina.

Same with my kids, we are not great at the conversation side of things hence I'm much more open with my brother, best mate and Sharon's best friend.

I got into gardening almost 3 years ago, having never been interested before. This summer I had a new shed and my first greenhouse installed. Sharon was so happy for me, although not a gardener herself she word regularly tell I had done a good job and was very supportive. Just like you my garden is now a total mess as I just haven't the drive or motivation to do anything. My greenhouse still stands there unused pretty well. My brother sorted out my shed with shelves & stuff, but I rarely use it or the garden now. Can't even be bothered to fill the bird feeders !

As for talking to yourself, I can assure people probably think same of me. However I'm not talking to myself but to Sharon or I'm praying for help. Only thing that gets me out of the house is Sharon's little Yorkie Tilly, who is now in my charge. I see Tilly as my last true link to Sharon. I've now started spraying Sharon's fav perfume on my pillow as it also makes her feel close. 

Anyway 2.30 am and hopefully my sleeping tablet will kick in very soon. I'm now very anxious about Dr stopping the sleeping tablets, not sure I could manage at moment.

We are all stronger together, I hope.

Take Care Paul xx

Here is a verse a friend sent to me, for me strangely comforting but also very true.

Best wishes to all.

Paul xx

Hi Paul

That’s So Beautiful.

did you sleep ok last night ?

Hi Keith, 

I agree it's a lovely verse. Yes I slept through to about 9.45 so just over 6hrs. I've literally had some breakfast, just got dressed to walk the dog (in the rain) and it's already 2.25pm ! Now I on have a few hours more of the day left.

I'll see if there's a film to watch that will hold my interest, if not then a siesta !

Best wishes,

• Paul