Feeling so alone at times

Hi Jane

Sorry for the slow response.

I found the 1st anniversary of Rob's very hard. It was not helped by lockdown, but I got to spend it with a good friend I had bubbled with who has sadly had similar loss to me so she helped me get through it. We went for a nice walk and had ice cream and I tried to remember all the happiness I had shared with Rob. 

I lost Rob just before covid kicked off (died 3 days before lockdown started) so I am glad I at least got to be there at the end. I don't know how I would have coped if I hadn't been able too be with him at the end... I am really sorry you had that experience.

Rob's cancer was quick too.. well at least the last phase. He had had tumor removed the previous year and everything looked ok then it just came back very aggressively we had about 2 months between second diagnosis and him passing . I felt like I did not really have time to process it all.

I definitely agree with it being hard to just make an arrangement to have a chat or coffee. I am generally ok during the week as have work and have worked at work whole way through covid... But weekends much trickier for me. 

Thank you for sharing and being there 

I’m really sorry that you’re having such a difficult time.  I’m resisting anti-depressants, as I’m very drug averse, but am being offered counselling.  Not sure that’s what I want, but may give it a go.  I find these posts helpful; it’s good to hear from people who understand the agony of losing a partner. 

HI

I haven't logged onto this site for a while but am struggling with the change is season and saw your post.

My husband Scott died 1 year and 4 months ago. I will never feel' normal' again, not as a whole person. I am not alone, I have wonderful daughters, and am very lucky to have both my parents on the planet and friends but I am terribly lonely too without Scott. Like your Rob he was always there regardless of what was going on, and I was there for him. I miss all the connections with him.

The darker evenings are like slow torture as I have spent most of the summer outdoors. I feel the same about contacting friends when I feel so lonely and sad. I have discovered though, that really good friends just know when I am struggling and they pop up. Let your friends help you, open your heart and let them in. It took me a while to do this. I also have found talking about Scott and being open about bereavement has led to many other kindred spirits who have experienced loss. It may feel like everyone looks like they are living 'normal' lives but we all have our trials to deal with. 

Every night when I go to bed I congratulate myself for getting through another day and if the day was awful I look forward and hope the next one is better. 

I wouldn't change the 27 years I had with Scott, I just wish we had more of them. My grief is so hard because we loved each other so much, that is what keeps me going. Your love for Rob will keep you going too.

x

Thank you Lizzie for your thoughtful response and for just getting it

Sending hugs

Jane

xx

Hi Ehugs,

It is exactly the same for me. I keep myself ever so busy. But the best way I can describe it is I am “outside everyone”. I don’t belong to anyone. Everybody else belongs to somebody. 

I am trying hard to give myself a purpose. But I cannot be busy 24 hours a day. I know I had a life before I met my husband, so I feel if I strive I can get back to that. But it is difficult when I felt I had “come home” when I met him and that was over 40 years ago.  But I can only try. I am hoping it will get a bit easier.

Viv

xx

Hi Viv

Thank you for your message.

Yeah I completely get the feeling of being outside everyone.. I have been listening to a book about needing to be sad recently and it mentions this too. Talks about people grieving ending up in a "exclusive group" and it's so correct. It does feel like everyone has their place they belong and I do also feel that I don't anymore... I feel like I am constantly Searching for something I have lost.. and I don't really know how to address that. Rob was my home.. as you mention you felt with your husband.

In regards to the purpose aspect..One thing I found that helped give me purpose was to set myself challenges. Not sure if that would be any help to you?

I set myself the challenge last year of completing 35 railway related routes between Rob's 34 and 35th birthday. It was something to focus and also I hoped I would be able to do some of them with Rob's friends and family (as covid prevented a proper funeral). I do think it has helped... I have done everyone with friends or family... I have also managed to have fun and create some new happy memories of Rob. It is hard though that this is coming to an end now... But I am going to keep setting myself challenges to keep going. My friend suggested I now do a year of me i.e doing things I want to do or haven't tried? I think I am going to probably do this..  Not sure if something similar might help?

Just some random thoughts.. hope this may help

Lots of hugs and best wishes during these difficult days

Lizzie

Hi Melanie L

Thank you for your very kind message and sorry I have been so slow at replying. I have been so busy the last few days.

I do think you are right regarding people who have suffered a similar loss only being the people who really understand. I have a close friend who has been through a similar loss to me and I definitely find it easier to talk to her about stuff to do with this than other really good friends.

I am going to try and use here more as well.

Yes I don't think moving on will ever be a good word for what we have all been through. I like moving forward better too.. I think unfortunately it's all we can do.. we have to try and find a way to live but keep alive the memories of our loved ones. This is something I am trying to work on at the moment. I have started to make big life decisions like moving house (I live a long way from work and have a 1 hour commute each end of the day for example). It is still very hard doing this but I trying to take baby steps.

Thanks and best wishes

Lizzie

Sorry I missed this before I replied to the last message.

Lots of hugs. I am glad your friend was there for you when you struggled last weekend. 

Thank you for sharing.. I am hoping I am getting better at being able to be on my own.. least I am trying to face it a bit more.. I also kept myself very busy and am starting to not need to as much but still have wobbles.. like I did last Friday 

All the best

Lizzie

Hi Devin 

Thank you for your response. I am still mostly feeling better.. I have been very busy the last few days so that may be why.

My friend mentioned light therapy as well. Another friend suggests candles to try and help too. I need to try both. Thank you for the suggestion.

Yeah the weather is not much better us here either, Monday was miserable.. yesterday hit and miss and today beautiful sunshine.. very confusing . I mean Wales is beautiful though. Least the bits I have seen (I have family in North Wales and I have been to Barmouth).

Thank you again for you messages and advice

All the best

Lizzie

Thank you lots of virtual hugs back. Sorry for being slow to respond. I have been busy the last few evenings and days.

I am still figuring out how to increase social interactions. I have started an art course with a colleague so meeting a few new people there and I am in a running club so made new friends that way too. Not sure if there is anything you enjoy you could try?

All the best

Lizzie