Feeling so alone at times

I'm french so it makes more sense to me to use the real word but I'm glad that your husband would have approved!! :D 

xx

Hello all, 

Oh how I agree about these long dark evenings…..sheer torture. It’s coming up to the first anniversary of losing Chris after 44 years of marriage. Last winter dark evenings didn’t seem any worse than any other time of the day- it all felt pretty grim. But now it seems so very much worse. I don’t know whether it’s because it’s now apparent that I’ve got to go through it all again and again ….

And I also identify with the returning to normal…..my life is never going to be normal again, or certainly the normal that I expected it to be. We only had 90 days from diagnosis to losing Chris. He spent the last ten days in hospital at a time when I wasn’t able to visit except the two occasions we both met with the oncologist. Eight hours maybe in the last ten days of his life after over 46 years as a couple. It still hurts me so very very much. I’m slowly getting better at remembering the good times but the pain of those last ten days is always lurking in the background. 

I’m blessed with some fantastic friends but as Ehugs has said, I can’t expect them to be there every time I have a moment. And I don’t want to be that needy person, it’s not the person I am or certainly was. 

The loneliness is ghastly. Someone, in the same position as we find ourselves in, said one of the hardest bits is having to make arrangements to see someone, just for a chat or a coffee. Sums it up really. 

There is some reassurance in knowing that others are, sadly, feeling the same, experiencing similar feelings and emotions. To all of you, I send virtual hugs and thank you for sharing your thoughts 

Jane

x

Hello EHugs,

I know, and so many others on here do too, how important it is to reach out and write down how you are feeling, well done on doing that. I am so sorry for the death of your fiancé. And I completely understand your feeling of being alone. II often think that the people who really and truly understand us are those who have gone through a similar situation, not the ones who are good friends or our family and would do anything to make us feel better, but they haven't gone through what we are going through. This is why connecting on here is so important.

Lots of love, Mel

Hi all on this thread,

I sent off my previous message too soon as there was more I wated to write.

I lost my Paul three years ago. I remember the first months that were so so very loney, I really and truly felt I couldn't do it without him. But what I did right from the start was to keep very busy. I have never been one for being without company for too long - a day here and there is all that feels tolerable - and so I really tried hard to fill my life with social occasions - meeting friends and family - and of course work. And, over time, I felt that I had less and less of a need to do that and that being on my own, even for two days, was all right. I am finding it harder again at the moment because I came back to Ireland only two months ago after having spent 18 months in Germany with my parents. Last weekend was a particularly hard time when I even experienced something close to a panic attack, but thankfully I had a friend with me who was able to be there and help me through the worst. But, over all, I have to say that being alone has become easier over the years. I don't like it, it's not the way I wanted to live, but it is what it is and I have to make the most of it.

Lots of love

Mel

Glad to hear that you were feeling better yesterday. September is a hard month for everybody I think, because we see the nights coming in sooner and temperatures slowly dropping.. It is the time nature puts everything on pause. For now the birds and squirrels are still super busy getting ready for Winter. 

Living in Wales, the weather changes so many times on the same day that my mood is rarely bad all day long. :D Yesterday didn't start as a good day at all but evolved into a more than alright day. You never know how it will go really.

Someone told me about light therapy which is a big word for having bright lights in your house that will give the impression of a sunny day when it's grim and dark outside. I don't get much light in the house apart from the loft so I think I'll invest, to see if it does affect my state of mind.

I hope you're having a good day today too. And if you're not, it always get better eventually (even if it takes time!). ;-)

xx

Giant hugs to you!

 know exactly how you feel. I am 8 months in and feeling exactly the same way. Some people have been brilliant but they have their own lives and I know many of them don’t realise that this does not get any easier. So I feel a closing down. Also things are still partially closed down here. I dread the winter months on my own.

I have kept myself very busy but that gets much harder in winter and I am desperately trying not to let myself lapse into depression. 

it is social interaction I need but I don’t know how to increase it. At least being busy and out with people distracts me from the loneliness. Which I don’t think will ever go . Feeling very blue

Oh - and being honest - I need a HUGE fat hug! So I am sending digital hugs to you all. Hugging is still not permitted here. It is the lack of the hugs that I crave

Viv

Devin you are spot on about the September. It is the rate of change day length. It is so fast at this time of the year. I always hate change so that is probably part of it. 

(PS My jam making went really well. I wish I must post a photo!)

I think that what Mel said above is spot on. It's not easy to apply to yourself but for me it's been the same, trying to get as busy as possible, getting out, reaching out to friends I hadn't seen for a while because covid. And I find that most people are happy to be here for you. So I'm relying on that, a lot! And hopefully eventually I'll be fine spending a day or two on my own (I'm actually never on my own with 2 daughters, 3 cats and 1 dog!)(I shouldn't list my daughters with the pets, right?)

I've seen a video the other day about a woman explaining that she had used a big breakup to learn to love herself. Different situation but the idea was no rebound, not reaching out to friends and family all the time, but learning to love one self. What got interesting is that she was giving hugs to herself and kissing her arms while doing so, and even if it seems funny saying so, I've found that it does work! (to a certain extend) So go on, give yourself a big hug for me. xx

Hello Ehugs

I can totally relate to your feelings.  My husband died nearly two years ago and at the beginning of 2020 I knew I had to really try to find a way through my grief and start mixing a little bit again. It was hard, but I’m blessed with some wonderful friends, so started walking, having coffee etc., which sometimes helped a little.

Then, within weeks, along came the pandemic and I was back to being isolated.  I have no family close by and life was pretty grim.  However, as the year went on, I felt I was making some headway.  But, like you, I have really regressed over the past few months.  As life moves on the the ‘new normal’, and friends, especially couples are socialising, booking and having holidays etc., I’m truly realising just how much my life has changed.  It feels almost like a second bereavement. 

Some days are full of tears and despair, others not too bad.  I thank God for my garden, which is my haven when things are tough, and my little cat. At least she is another living soul in my house!

Thank you for reading this.  

I’m starting my 4th tranche of bereavement counselling on Wednesday, kind of speaks for itself that.   How can I get better, will I ever get better?  On max dose antidepressants.