I wondered if I could talk about being lonely. I'm sure it's been brought up a million times before and I don’t expect a response, I just wanted to get it out of my head so I can go to sleep! This morning was really hard, I don’t know why, I never do and it frustrates me when it suddenly hits me out of left field. I took a walk after lunch before the boys got back from school and wondered about being lonely most of the way.
Beth and I were very fortunate, we had/have the most wonderful friendship group, we would all honestly do anything for each other. We’ve all had our own struggles over the years and loosing Beth hasn’t been easy for anyone. Last weekend Gav knocked on the door just to check up on me because he instinctively knew I was feeling low, he gave me a whole bag of craft beers to cheer me up, and it did. It’s good to know people care.
The thing is even though I’m surrounded by wonderful friends, family (not physically at the moment) and I have two absolutely wonderful boys I still feel lonely, very lonely. I wondered why this might be and it kind of struck me. It’s the little things that I see, hear and even smell. I now have nobody share them with. It’s the fox I saw by the side of the road, the deer in the field, the little flowers starting to grow, the bunnies running across the path as I walked, the smell of pollen in the air. These are the sort of things I would have told Beth about, because she cared and she was interested. But now these little things seem lost, they stop at me and whilst the boys will listen, it’s a different connection. I miss the little jokes we had, the little sayings we had, I miss getting her a glass of wine on a night and it being topped up magically when she popped to the loo. It’s all the little things!
I’m surrounded by friends and family, but the only person I ever needed to share things with, who ever really got it, who made me not lonely isn’t here. For me, being lonely isn’t about being with people, it’s about being able to share the little things that are important to you with someone who really cares, and I/we don't have that anymore.
