Coming back...

I've never thought of it as feeling sorry for myself. I had one person use those words in a very nasty way to me just 7 months after Chris died. It's not feeling sorry - it's just trying to survive another day. I know, after all this time, that treating ourselves with kindness and not trying to adhere to some sort of grieving schedule is the best thing to do. Grief has no schedule, no steps, as far as I can tell. I can go through all the supposed steps of grief in an hour! I know all of us can. 

I really like the quotation "Grief is love with no place to go..."

I hear you Martha. Dave & I met late in life too. We had only 7 years together but those were 7 intense “together” years as soulmates. I know I am so lucky to have had those years but I feel cheated now. Why, and relatively late did I meet the love of my life for him then to be taken from me and SO cruelly. Those last days I’m trying hard to block because they are too painful and yet during those most painful days we got married. What am I to do with all that?? 
He fell too going fo the bathroom when I had gone downstairs one time I was never away too long but he was mostly asleep and when not very confused and not able to move much. How he did it I’ll never know but that sticks with me and I see him lied there every time I go into the bathroom. Kills me. 

Hi sunnyboy, yes, I remember you. Glad you are still here. Although I know every single one of us would give the world not to be in the position of needing the online community. My little flat - complete with adaptations for my wheelchair - is getting there. Unpacking is still happening, five months later. If Chris were still alive, we would have been unpacked in a week! I just hope he's here with me. I hope he knows where I am and can still be with me. Sometimes I feel him and sometimes I feel as if even his spirit has left me. As I have been doing up the flat, I've included what I call "Chris Easter eggs" here and there. Little things that are very much connected to him, but not obvious to anyone who didn't know him well. One of his favourite expletives was "Monkeys!" And so, when I needed a new table lamp for a table, I found a lovely lamp with a brass monkey as the bass. Things like that make me smile. And smiling is so very, very important. It is what Chris would want me to do.  Take care...

Mypineapple, I hear you. My Paul was also so confused towards the end, so disoriented and not making a lot of sense. It was really very painful to watch him like that.

Ah Martha it's so good to know you are still here. I often wondered where you had gone.

Love Mel

Oh my, I know exactly what you mean! One night, probably about a fortnight before he died, Chris tried to get up to the use the little portable urinal. It was one of the only nights I decided to sleep in the bedroom (not far from the living room) as my legs and hips were being destroyed sleeping on the couch. Sometime around 3am, he slipped off the bed and ended up on the floor and I didn't find him until 5am. I have never felt so horrible and guilt-ridden in my entire life. It still haunts me. I still wonder if there was anything I could have done differently. The nurses were amazing and they constantly told me what a good job I was doing (I'm disabled and in a wheelchair), but I still felt so lacking. One thing that really bugs me still - why didn't I ask the nurse to remove the bar at the side of the bed on his last day so I could have gotten as close as possible to him? Where was my mind? I should have done that - I could have held so much more closely in those final hours...

Yes, I'm back. Don't feel as if I've made any "progress" since the early days. But what is "progress" when it comes to grief.

Hope you are doing okay. Sending hugs...

so so painful. I try really hard to not think of those times. My sister tells me I have enough pain and heartache to handle without dwelling on such thing. I hear that, its true but it's hard when they just bounce into your head... every time I use the bathroom I remember him falling. 

Every time I think of him just now it's either those awful last few days or just a massive ache of missing him and my further ahead without him. I've yet to be able to get to that time of remember him with a smile and cherishing what we did have. That is way into the future. I just don't know how to 'get to' that future!! 

Oh Martha, you are doing what I'm doing and being hard on yourself. You did everything you could for Chris even with your own personal restrictions. That's amazing in itself. As for where was your mind at when he was dying ... it was with him, in his mind, his heart, his body. You didn't need to be closer you couldn't GET closer. xx

Hi Martha, I remember you telling this awful story here before and I can imagine how you are still thinking of this today. But what resonated with me so much in your post today was the fact that you wanted to be closer to your husband in his final moments and could have asked the nurse to remove the side bar on the bed. I sometimes think that I should have done the same with Paul because then I could've climbed into bed with him. But it's strange because each time I think that I feel that it wouldn't have been right to do so because he seemed to be already on a journey that he had to be on alone. He wanted me with me but not really close like hugging or holding him so I ended up placing my hand on his heart. You see, I think in dutifully we are mostly doing the right things in these situations and I am sure you have done everything you could.
Love, Mel