Coming back...

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I received an email from Macmillan the other day and it reminded me that I hadn't been on here in a really long time. The past year has just been one garbled up mess, hasn't it? I do think the isolation of the pandemic has been difficult on those who are grieving. Five months ago, I moved. Moved from the home I shared with my beloved so that I could be close to my daughter and her family. I don't regret the move. It gave me something to do. But, at least for me, the grief seems to be getting worse rather than better. It has been over two years since my dearest most loved husband died. And I still can't get my head around it. I've had bereavement counselling, I've been with family, we scattered his ashes last year on the one-year anniversary of his death. But the pain remains. 

I will never be able to get through all the posts on here that have accumulated during the time that I was not coming on, so I will just start from today. But to everyone who is going through this hellish ride of losing your love, know that I totally get it and I know how hard it is. I will try to be here more often. I think it helped me at the time. Hopefully, it will help me again.

Martha xxx

  • Sending hugs and caring thoughts. Some days are just b****y awful, so take each hour as it comes.

    xx

  • I’m realising that. I’ve hurt and felt sick to my stomach since he died but today has been worse and for no particular reason. Been trying to deal with sending his car back (can’t afford the monthly payments on it!) selling my very old mini and buying a new one. I couldn’t care less about any of it, just ‘has’ to be done. 
    I left my full time 20year job in the knowledge I was now for once in my life at nearly 50 in a relationship where I had the luxury to do that! 

    Gosh, I feel sorry for myself tonight don’t I!! Sorry everyone just a real tough  day and I thought every day was tough but seems it can get worse. X

  • I think it’s understandable to have days where you feel sorry for yourself. I’ve had plenty of those and have decided to accept that it’s all part of the grieving process for me. Please don’t beat yourself up about how you’re  feeling, be kind to yourself. Take care

    xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Welcome back Martha   I'm sure I was on here back in the day when you where here and moving home . The time just passes us past and a pandemic is a curse ,  I'm glad the move went well . I wish I could take the pain we all feel with our loss it is just bad ,to be honest I was in tears everyday for years , thank God I'm not crying everyday now and my heart goes out to everyone hurting just now take care james

  • HI Bluebell53,

    I'm glad you have found support here. It was so helpful in my early days and I need it now as much as ever. This pain is just so relentless! Sending you hugs.

    "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
    Life must end, but love is eternal.

  • I just wish it would let up and give me, say two days, without crying and feeling so lonely...  The isolation of the pandemic doesn't help. Lifting lots of restrictions here in Scotland. Maybe getting my hair done after April 5th will help...  

    "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
    Life must end, but love is eternal.

  • I regret not getting a lock of his hair. He died at home and I was there when he took his final breath. (A side note - I was watching "Grey's Anatomy" and there was a scene where a cancer patient died. The final breath was absolutely spot on - what a friggin' trigger. I sat and bawled my eyes out...)

    "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
    Life must end, but love is eternal.

  • Hi bramblejoo,

    My darling Chris and I met later in life. We were married for just 10 years when he died (together for 12). He was 59 when he died. But I have said that we packed more love and happiness into those years than some do in a lifetime. For that I am so very grateful. But I could never have imagined the incredible pain of losing him He was my best friend, my honest-to-God one and only soulmate. He completed me. How can I ever feel whole again?

    "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
    Life must end, but love is eternal.

  • Hi MyPineapple,

    The other thing I've realised is that my memory is terrible now. So, if I repeat myself, I'm sorry. And if I don't answer everyone's response, please forgive me. Yes, I have those days too, days when it's hard to do anything, even breathing. xxx

    "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
    Life must end, but love is eternal.