Disengenuous?

Lizzy

I'm glad you feel that way and that we can here as individuals who have been through as bad as it can get, be able to speak our minds in open forum without fear of judgemental reprisal.

Alison

Your honesty has been a revelation and such candidness was such a change

Sarah

I have now a future mapped out and it will be a long sometimes hard road but that future for me is  thing so precious and valuable that I will do what is required.

To all

I salute you all

Respect to all who posted on this thread.The only way forward is with honesty and bravery .We have all done the very best for the ones who left us sometimes at terrible cost to ourselves .We have to go foward life is very precious and has to be lived.As for me Im ok I have rembered many things about mine and Billys life together the good times and the bad .I feel I saved him on more than one occasion and Im quite proud of that .In the end there was love there imperfect at times not always what I wanted but it was  our story and Im glad he was a part of it .But some people are only going to be a chapter or few in our lives I dont feel my story is over and in time I will write some new chapters of my own .Billy will alwsys be with me and that is a comfort remembering the wild Scottish boy I met all those years ago he led me a merry dance at times but he was never boring !! .Much love to you all keep moving forward x

Lizzy

I just thought about you again and you seem like a very special lady.

Forgive me for my candidness and if this kind of honest compliment is a bit "full on" I apologise...

Mcc thank you 

Lizzy x

Hello,

I have been reading all the posts over the weekend and have been thinking of you guys, with time for reflection and some action. Thank you for your comments, some of them have hit home. 

I have had a very balanced view of my husband, the good and the bad. When I met him, he had lost his previous partner to cancer. I saw how grief effected him. At times he drank too much. There was a time I felt second fiddle. I never got it until I myself have now gone through the same experience. I don't have any hang ups about the rough patches as I know it came from a place of hurt. Another unrelated, life experience (family rift, grief related) taught me to forgive because the "hurt" was hurting me! I now view forgiveness and reconciliation as two separate things. I have not fully reconciled with some members of my family and that is okay with me. I forgive them as I, again, know they came from a place of hurt. I am sharing this with you and hope it helps you in some way. Abusive relationships are never okay. Its very brave to acknowledge.

I speak a lot about my experience to people I know, in person.  I truly believe that all this soul searching has made me a better person. I also was not perfect to the way I reacted to my husband's grief.

All I know is that I started to practise yoga, well before my husbands diagnosis. I changed and without nagging, my husband changed for the better. I was taking care of myself and that feeling filtered through to my everyday life. We were both content. I always used to say to my partner (he became my husband after the diagnosis in 2018), you have to try to find a different type of happiness and at times added "or let me go".  I took myself away from being compared to someone, my husband adored before me.  It should never have come to this. I put myself there by not understanding the complexity of losing a partner and he played his part too.

We did get there eventually. He found a different kind of happiness and we had many adventures together/created beautiful things and memories.

My way of handling my grief, was to have a balance view of the person I lost. I certainly was not going to drink and make anyone I meet, feel the way I felt early in our relationship. I am not judging here, it's just there were some very sad moments when a lot of drink was involved. Everyone has different coping mechanisms, I think I just ate too much and drank too many sugary drinks! We all grieve differently. 

Where am I now - my diet is appalling, not consistent and I have gained several stones. Not proud of myself. Richard always wanted me to be the best version of myself. He had faith in me to continue the business we started together.  I feel "what have I done to myself?" My weight has impacted my health and in turn, I am not my best at work.  I am not proud and certainly, if my husband was around he would not be either! So time to focus -  started my yoga again and have been doing 10,000 steps a day since Friday. Have only done 4,680 steps today so off for a walk now.

My wish for you all - to find that different kind of happiness. It is possible.

Perhaps, its time to now focus on a lot of self-love? It certainly is for me!

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Hi Dutsie

It seems we both comfort ate and now have to deal with that! I have done it before and can do it again! I have a very healthy click and collect shop shop to get tomorrow and will do it. I will make Ric proud and be that woman again!

I think you understand the alcohol thing! It is very hard to live with. I am just so glad Ric did admit his problem and control it after he was diagnosed with cancer. Too late in some ways but he apologized and appreciated what I had been through with it, so that was great. The only thing I was guilty about was that he died so suddenly that I was not there to hold his hand as I promised and for that I a sad. 

I hope you are becoming happy with yourself and weight soon. Xxx

Hi Akela,

Yes, I do understand the alcohol thing.

One of my go to songs when practising yoga is "I am light" by India Arie.

Yesterday, I came across "Get it together" by the same artist. So yes! I am getting  it together on the health front. Perhaps we can encourage each other.

The final song being "Let it go" from Frozen.  The kid in me (I am 47) and there are important lessons to be learned from children that live without fear.  I will put a link for the above songs. I find both music and writing poetry healing. Please stay in touch.

With lots of love,

Dutsie x

Just in case if anyone is interest...

Let it go

https://youtu.be/L0MK7qz13bU

Get it together
https://youtu.be/V7LwmMTD3B4

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

* now updated, I hope x

Sorry, messed up links above x

I am ight

https://youtu.be/ism8dBjxKvc  and the other 2 mixed. Will edit!

I tried yoga..then was recommended to the over 60s class! (I'm 57!)

I think you need a good run up at it...  

But I do think it is an excellent way yo find those bits of you that have been lost..