Disengenuous?

Hi mccmcc,

Just got in from my local and hope I have read your message correctly. I don't think you owe any apologies for the way you grieve. It's your version of the truth at this given moment and how much you are ready to accept/ share.  Grief can be very numbing in the early days and there are range of common emotions we all go through at different stages including doubting/questioning yourself! 

You had a connection with Carla. She was your every day person for 13 years, no matter how difficult your relationship was at times. Dont be so hard on yourself and keep posting as and when you need to. However you feel at any given moment is your version of the truth and real acceptance takes time. I overall am very positive, but at times (less often now), you can go right back into the admist of grief. Just because I make the most, does not mean that I still don't hurt/have feelings to process.

I am 19 months on, and since 13th July 2020, which would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary, grief surfaced  again. I was with my partner for 16 years or so. We had our moments too, both positive and negative. There were times he drove me mad (we had a couple of breaks when we found working and living together too much) and others times an inspiration. Bottom line, when either of our/both backs were up against the wall we were there for each other. As you were there for Carla and now her sons/grandchildren.

One of my regrets being that we did not marry sooner - never actually got to celebrate our 1st and 2nd anniversary together. So my wedding anniversary date hits me harder than the other dates for some reason. 

Anyway it is late now and I digress.

Night night,  

Dutsie Xx

Hi Dutsie and Mccmcc,

I am very appreciative of both of these posts and have read them both several times.

Grief is a strange thing and given the sensitivity of the posts shared on here its not always easy to separate the angst others are feeling from the thoughts in my own head.

I consider myself to be a compassionate person who would rather focus her attention on someone else than face her own fears and the words above from both of you have touched me deeply.

Acceptance is for us all i believe key, anyone really reading my profile will realise that I have posted a very dispassionate factual statement. I came to this site to help myself through a process and have found some good virtual friends who have made me smile, laugh out loud and at times cry. However at no point in time have i revealed my true thoughts for fear of being judged and rejected by all.

I was in a mentally abusive relationship and for me acceptance of this (i pretended  it was normal to myself and showed nothing to the outside world) along with the fact that i am now free sits uneasily with me at the moment.

I feel like an intruder in a place where so many display such raw emotion, maybe i am the lucky one here? If I allow it to, my life can move on a lot faster than anyone else's.

I hope that both of you find inner peace and happiness 

Lizzy.

Your candid honesty has touched me in a way I'm not sure I can explain articulately enough here. I feel so sad that you endured that situation but my heart fills with admiration for the fact you stayed to nurse someone who had been psychologically abusive. This I think shows what might be your true nature a selfless caring person.

While not detracting from others suffering, I do wonder how harder it was for you than for others here caring for those they loved deeply. Maybe their pain was of a different nature to yours and I do not wish to make any comparison.

I stayed with Carla especially in the last few years as she simply needed someone to look after her and of course I managed to give her the Italian dream. We were decent pals and I truly believe she knew the situation but I think she understood it was something I needed to do for her.

I tend to set my own feelings aside also and then berate myself further down the line maybe we can learn to think more of ourselves but I'm not sure that's really me. 

So Lizzy please accept a warm virtual hug from some old guy...

Dutsie

Thank you for the reply, we all have regrets about everything and each of us carries this burden with us..

As Jose Mujica said: "each of us carries through life a back pack of pain, but we need to look forward and not at the back pack"

I feel truly sad for those guys here who cannot move forward and who's "back pack of pain" is a burden they cannot carry, I feel that I should offer my shoulder to help with the burden but sadly that burden is theirs alone... 

Dear lizzy-k & all 

I have read your post & had to comment, please don’t ever feel you are an intruder here or that your grief is somehow unworthy due to the complex nature of your relationship, you have been so brave in telling us how things were for you - I wish I could give you a hug! 
I am now 2 years into this journey & have noticed that to begin with we all tend to put our loved one on a pedestal, we love & miss them so much & the loss is so acutely raw,  then over time we also start to see them as more human, as we all are, with complex feelings about them at times with some hurtful memories of disagreements & sad times Coming to the surface. We are all flawed, & acknowledging that they were not always perfect doesn’t diminish from our grief, it’s probably just a more realistic version of the truth, we loved them like they did us, warts & all. 
I can remember when I first came on here, a lady who had lost her husband only to find after he died that he had brought up another secret family just a few miles from her home. Oh the hurt!! She felt she was grieving for a man she hardly knew, with no opportunity for closure, only more questions she couldn’t get answers to. she felt she shouldn’t be posting here as if what he had done should make her grief for him less valid somehow & it was hard & embarrassing to be honest with people, she felt ashamed as if she was as fault. It’s not that simple though is it? She loved the version of him she knew but despised him for what she had learnt, such a betrayal.
 People on this site were amazing, they helped her realise it was she he had turned to when he was truly ill,  the life with her was the one he chose & they were together until he died. 

She kept on posting here.

I hope that lady wouldn’t mind me sharing her story & I hope will all my heart she has allowed herself to move forward & be happy once more. If you in time do the same thing, that is not wrong or disloyal. If it happens faster for you than some others then so be it, you gave suffered enough. You deserve better than the abuse you tolerated. 
Your grief is still justified & painful. But I for one hope you can  look forward to happy times ahead. Keep posting my friend, we are all here for you 

love Sarah 

Thank you both for your kind words and hugs - which I return to you both and have to say your kindness reduced me to tears and I don't cry easily anymore!

You are both very open and candid with your posts, I like that you both acknowledge that no one is perfect - after all we are all human. 

Sarah - I still have difficulties coming to terms with things, and as a good friend told me only yesterday, I have a long way to go on this journey to re-find & release myself from the life I had. However, I am emerging and am so different to a few months ago. I'm starting to believe that I can have a future and that people like me for me and your post above reinforced that, thank you.

I do hope that the lady mentioned above has moved on, and part of that will be a testament to the support of the wonderful people on this site who take the time to read posts and therefore listen. I hope that I do that for people too because every situation is different and sadly cancer will continue to take away those loved and not so loved by us all.

Mcc - you are a truly remarkable person, it sounds like you could do with taking a leaf out of your own book and start thinking more of yourself - your sacrifice for Carla without thought for your own needs in moving to Italy is beyond anything that I can comprehend. You must have known all along that you would have to face such major changes in your life once more, after she had passed away, and as an "old guy" then facing upheaval and re-establishing yourself back in the UK is truly the ultimate selfless act. 

Lizzy

Lizzy, I hope you feel a little better for posting 

In itself being honest with how things are with you is a big step & you have shown great courage in being open. 

you did everything you could for your partner, you showed love & compassion in being there when a lesser person could have walked away given the circumstances. 

Now quite rightly, it is about you. 
A good book has many chapters, not just one & life is the same. Make the next chapter of yours a good one Lizzy- you deserve it & know we are all rooting for you 

Sarah xx

Lizzy.

I feel humbled by your post and your kindness, in a way i can't explain properly here.

I hope you can find a good caring companion for your journey someone who can care for you on the same level.

Thanks Sarah,

I do feel better for being honest and open, you've helped that though by being so supportive thank you

I'm not the type of person who can be deceitful or hide things. I would rather people know the truth - I've hidden it away for too long.

I hope that you continue to move forward and things work out for you too.

Lizzy x

Mcc

That would be very special and I think that I would be very lucky indeed to find such a person.

I think you too deserve someone to care for you and show you the level of selfless compassion that you showed Carla. Someone to spoil you for a change, because I get the impression that you are the type of man who likes to give of himself, but isn't too comfortable receiving kindness back.

Take care, enjoy the rest of your time in the UK and I hope that the permanent transition between  Italy and England runs smoothly for you.

Lizzy x