Disengenuous?

Hi everyone in this thread,

I have been wanting to post into this conversation for some days now but only getting the chance now because the forum was down and also I had a lot of work. 

I feel for all of us in this difficult situation. Our relationships were wonderful and we so much miss our loved ones; and yetall of us I think have to admit that not everything was always only wonderful in their relationships and that there were arguments, conflicts, maybe even fullblown rows at times; and some of us had to live with more complicated relationshipsand I think it is important for us to admit it to ourselves and, if we want, here and to not feel that admitting it or talking about it makes our grief less genuine or that we shouldn't talk or think like this.

I loved Paul with all my heart and he was everything to me. But, apart from the cancer, Paul had another huge problem which often became the problem of our relationship too - and that was depression. His depression would make him withdraw from me at times, for whole days or even longer, be indecisive about lots of things including, at the start of our relationship, our relationship itself and whether we should be together or not, and it also resulted in him separating from me twice and in the most selfish way I could ever imagine. Yes, I can say that the man broke my heart twice and at times I felt like he played with me, pushing me away, pulling me close, wanting to be with me, not wanting to be with me, needing me but not wanting to need me, etc. How intense the contradictions were in him you can see from the following situation: It was when he broke up with me the first time. On the day I left our apartment he had a breakdown at our kitchen sink and sobbed, "Please don't let me go! Please don't let me go!" when, in fact, my leaving the apartment and leaving him was only what he had asked me to do for weeks. Even when I am writing this I can feel the hurt from the past. I don't really get angry at him but I feel the stunned feeling, the disbelief, in me still. 

Thankfully all this stopped once he proposed to me in 2014, I think this was when his fear of closeness finally subsided and love became stronger than depression and fear and doubt. But the depression crept up on him until the very end. But by then I had learned to deal with it and understood that it was part of him, that it didn't mean he didn't love or didn't want me. 

Love, Mel.

Hi MCCMCC,

I am coming in on this so late because of the fact that the forum was down for a while. I don't think there is a need to apologise here because you may have not included a certain part of your relationship in your posts. The grief is still genuine. All relationships have their difficulties and I believ it takes time for us to become aware of all of what our relationships were in the process of our grief. Love, Mel.

Hi everyone in this conversation,

I am not sure Whether my post will be possible to send but I thought I would try anyway now that the forum is live again.

I wanted to say that I am sorry to hear that some of you struggled so much in their relationships. I think that it is not disingenuous To 1st talk about only how wonderful our partners were and how beautiful our line with them wars and then, at a later stage and with more mature reflection, come to realise that even this wonderful person had their difficulties and that even this beautiful relationships had its problems. I think all relationships are not only good and wonderful but all of them have some difficulties or problems to face at some point. And I think we need to talk about those things.
for me it was that my husband suffered with depression which would sometimes make him extremely with drawn, extremely up and down, and on two separate okay Asians lead to separation from me which was each time really extremely painful. Even when I think of it now, and this was back in 2011 and 2013, I can feel anger rise in me about the way he treated me and played around with my feelings. His depression changed in 2014 when he asked me to marry him and I think it was largely due to the fact that he had made a decision for us and for love and therefore for healing of the heart. And also I learned to live with his depression a little better and was able to see that It was not against me or against us that he had done what he had done and I also learned to take all the depression stuff less personal.

I think that I am saying this now that's not say anything about the deep love that I felt and still feel for this man. But I cannot deny that it was sometimes heartbreakingly difficult and that he certainly pushed my buttons at times more than I could ever have imagined anyone would do.

Love, Melanie.

Hi Melanie

I think they all pushed buttons at times but like you I loved Ric despite it all. I am missing him today. I am sat in the sun waiting for my daughter and her friend who have gone to Brean leisure park where we had a couple of great family days out!!! I feel a right Billy no mates. But no tears! 

• Love and hugs Alison xxx

That's the crux for most here, to create a Saint of someone because they died is wrong and in some ways a deceit to the dead person.

If things were tough as we have seen here then the truth is the best way to go as I believe it would hold you back.

The courage shown by all posters here is extraordinary bearing in mind our circumstances..

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments and support and courage.

It takes a lot to admit that things weren't even close to good let alone unhappy and yet we've done it.

I wanted to take the time though to recognise the people on here who are unable to move on because they did have that special someone snatched away from them. For them life is worse than for someone like me they're not going to be able to bounce back like i fully intend to do. 

Lizzy