What Ive discovered

My problem is almost the opposite, l haven't started to grieve, l dare not go there so l distract myself and am stuck in denial. I feel ashamed, today an old friend phoned me and all l did was talk about the difficulty l have had sorting out the administration, writing to pensions people getting the wifi changed . I have had alot of paperwork problems  Organisations trying to sell me legal services by the back door ,telling me l need probate when l absolutely do not, utility companies telling me l must change to a smart meter which is also not true. In short l spent the whole hours conversation talking about money or politics, specifically US politics which l got hooked on from watching congressional hearings on you tube. I barely mentioned my late husband who only died in January. She couldnt wait to get off the phone. What l cant explain is that ,l can type about my lovely boy but l cannot talk about him being lost, l shake and l immediately start crying and cant get words out so l change the subject and rattle on about firms l have to fill in and what l think about international politics. She must think me heartless and bonkers. She ended by saying Well l suppose its a good thing you are doing so well! She seemed disappointed in me , l can understand why but l cant face the truth the full horror of what has happened he was only 59 its unbearable so l pretend l am busy and it hasnt happened. I fear l have lost an old friend who will no doubt tell all the other people we both worked with 30 years ago how shocked she is at my lack of grief. If only they knew. Bad day, dare not go to bed until its daylight.

Hello Trentlady,

Never mind what people think or say. Denial is already part of the grieving process. There's no right or wrong way to do this. Our brains have ways of protecting us from the trauma we've all experienced from our spouses' and partners' deaths. Of course, it's harder to talk about. It's like admitting the terrible truth and, for some reason, hearing ourselves speak the words drives it all home. The words are like stones being thrown at us or like little, sharp arrows piercing us. Even now, I have trouble holding back the tears when I tell somebody what happened.

If this person is a friend, they'll call back. If not, there'll be other people along the way who will support you and try to understand even if they cannot really. We are so messed up during this time that sometimes we read more than we should into people's words and actions. But, don't waste your time on that. If keeping busy is helping you now, then do what you have to. When you feel ready to face things head on, you'll know and we'll be here to help you through this in whatever small way we can. I feel your pain and am truly sorry for your loss.

Hi Trent lady, 

You have struck a chord with me. I have been the same I think, busy busy, all sorted and now we are on lock down and I can only go to work and no longer do all my busy things, I have spent the last 12 hours crying my heart out and can't stop!!!  I can't even rationalise it. I am due to go to work today as a nurse on an unfamiliar ward which I thought I was going to be on for the next couple of months but my employer has not put me on next week's off duty, my manager says she will sort it this morning. It is probably a mistake but I am overthinking it all. My asthma is flaring up because I am stressing.

I really need to get away but can't! But thank you for your post. It makes sense now.

Love and hugs Alison xxx

I am exactly the same, I don't know if I have any emotions any more, just worry and an emptiness xx

Hi all,

I'm sitting here thinking I just feel numb, like the whole world is going on around me and I feel nothing. Where I live is like a ghost town, not a soul around. If I didn't have to go to work I think I'd go mad.

I know if Mark was still here it would be a totally different story, I would be petrified, out of my mind with worry.

Ali x

Update......not feeling numb now, one of Mark's favourite songs just came on radio and I am now sobbing...... this bloody grieving thing is sooo hard.

Ali x

Hi Ali,

I was mega busy today, training, cleaning, finished painting everything there was to paint in the garden and then 5 mile run and while I was running tears were streaming down my face, got home saw a neighbour over the fence who asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears, bet she thought I was a nutter. Been tearful on and off all day today probably because I know bob would be rpoud of me for doing what I have done and I so want him to see that I am trying very hard.

Had our first group face time with all 3 of my children and grandchildren which was nice and Bob's ashes were behind me so I felt he was included. As I've not been out of the house for a week I've not bothered with my appearance to which one of my children said I looked like I had corona virus as in I looked mega rough, made me laugh and think I must start making an effort but with on one in the house I feel like "Why Bother" and I never went a day without make up and smart clothes and I do feel like a right old tramp but I really don't care.

Even considering having an Aperol Spritz tonight as a treat as hardly had a drink since Bob passed away 10 weeks today, perhaps 3 glasses of wine in total. Not sure if

a) I will stop and 1

b) it might make me more tearful

so as yet un decided I will let you all know later.

I am going to struggle this weekend as I might not see a sole and ALWAYS surrounded by my huge family at weekends even if it is to mind the grandchildren which I love. The struggle doesn't get any easier that's for sure and this situation is not helping one little bit.

Keep going all my new friends on this site, day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Our Husbands / Wives / Partners are looking down on us so lets make them proud.

Sheila 

Hi Sheila 

you are doing well you know i fall apart at weekends  I’ve been at work all week hate coming home at nite weekends are worse don’t really see any one have chat on phone to my family if they have time  

the human contact being with your spouse your best friend in the world then having nothing I miss her so much. I see people walking down the street together and think that us to be us  Do I hate life yes  

meeting people in day time at work is not the same having a chat  as it was when you sat at home having a chat with your spouse and best friend. Started taking nytol tablets again to make me sleep 

take care 

Martin x

Ahh Martin

its truly horrible isn’t it. Life has no joy has it without our soul mates does it. It’s worse at this time for me as I am confined to the house every single day with no human contact and I try and keep busy but it’s only to discuise my deep sadness. I am dreading next two weeks of this I think I might actually go mad. I was tempted to drink tonight but decided it wouldn’t help my mood.

im sad lost and alone

sheila

Hi Everyone

Have been reading all the threads, i really do not like week ends, but now it's isolation every day is like a week end for me, the first week is nearly over, i really cannot see how i will manage another 11 week's, might be vulnerable  but i could land up crazy in the end.

Been in the garden since Sunday trying to sort it out, it never got done at all last year as hubby was to poorly and it was put on the back burner.

Done things i have never done before, my hands are ripped apart, gardening gloves are in the shed which i have lost the key to.Hubby loves rose's we have so many and seemed to get caught on every one, but i carried.

Talking to flower's or weed's i do not know the difference, made next door neighbor's laugh,i  said ignore me they said we normally do

Well lovely afternoon had enough of working, make a cup of tea and sit on garden bench first time since last year.

My hubby made a screen door to go over kitchen door to keep bugs out, all of a sudden it opened, first thought Tom is coming out with the tea that is what he always;s did, no, why it opened i do not,  it made me cry i really thought it was him. 

We always sat there together and spent every minuet there in the nice weather..,

Other wise i have had  good week and pleased at what i have accomplished., think he would be to.

I hope the week end goes easy on every one here.

Take Care Ellie xx