What Ive discovered

Ohh glad it’s not just me I feel and do exactly the same things and thought I was going mad. That’s why this site is so helpful. Another day, one foot in front of the other. I’m going to first coffee morning for bereaved people while waiting for my counselling to start. I”ll update you all later. I’ve taken someone else’s advice and just purchased some white sage incense sticks I’m prepared to try anything just to get by and survive!!!!!

sheila

Hi shiela, do  the sage burning, I've also thought about it., It may help signal a newness, ridding  some of the sad energy  that overwhelms, bring love and peace. Hope The coffee morning goes well. Let us know xx

Hi all,

I feel very lonely too. I have work, my children live here and come and go as usual but the evenings are awful. He is not here to txt and phone through the day to check up on. I have a vast hole in my life. I go to work, do my best there but since my week off, wish I could stay home and potter! I did have the worst off duty this week. I stay busy because I don't know how else to deal with it! 

I am reassured that his friends feel I am doing him proud with his ashes and I can feel something sort of tweaking my hair so hope it is a sign from him. I hope he approves. 

I do not feel depressed because he is free of the cancer and I can cope. Just redundant I guess. I have lots to do. I have lots of friends too and offers of coffee etc but I would rather not! I do try and make an effort though. 

I have a statement to write for the coroner, that I am putting off because I don't want to justify my husband passing so quickly. I know they think he took his life. I know differently, he had lots to do and if he had wanted to,the would have drank all of his oromorph and drank the whole bottle of whisky and started the next one!!! His lung tumours were huge! I am sure he just stopped breathing because his GP told us that may happen with the tumour in his bronchus. It could trap the vagus nerve. I feel that is what happened. I just don't want to have to justify it to them! So I keep putting off writing the statement and dread waiting for their verdict at the end of May. 

I want to scatter Ric, say my final goodbyes and tuck him safely away without some beauracratic idiot trying to mar my memory. 

Today is a day off so my dad is coming to sort out a light which keeps tripping. We can't find why!!! Maybe it is Ric playing games or trying to tell me something! Dad has been an electrician all his life but it is off he can't find a fault! Lol. My daughter is going to the optician to try out contacts ready for her prom and my son has an interview for promotion!!! Do hope I am a busy lady!!! 

Stay strong everybody!!! Love and hugs

Alison xxx

I've ordered some so will update when I've tried them. Can't hurt can it. Open to any suggestions at this stage x

Sheila

I've ordered some too, will try anything.

I also feel I have changed, I'm constantly double checking things, eg, handbrake on car, straighteners switched off, its exhausting. I feel like my brain is mush. I have lost all confidence in myself.  I've been asked to take on a new role at work and am terrified I won't be able to do it.

I went out with my closest girlfriends on tuesday evening and it just wasn't the same, I'm not the same. I used to love our girly nights out, chatting, gossiping, catching up, Mark would want to know all the juicy bits when I got home! but I just felt on the outside of everything. I don't have anything to talk about as I don't have a life! 

I'm not crying every day though so that is progress, and like someone else said earlier in post, just feel kind of numb.

Hope everyone has a decent day.

Ali x

Don,t worry about the crying Ali, I still do when I am out on my long walks and talking away to Adele after 14 months and think I always will. I am going through it again at the moment, no quite the same but my very best friend of 40 years is on the same slope and I am being a coward about it, not telephoning  him as much as I should, burying my head in the sand.   

Take  care all and have a good day and if your out and about and feeling down pop into one of the Maggies they are always there for a chat and advice.

I've heard good things about Maggie's but unfortunately there isn't one near me.

That’s a pity, they cater for everyone, Adele loved going to the one in the grounds of the Beatson Hospital in Glasgow, it was a breath of fresh air away from the blue walls of the wards. We could just sit together on a sofa with a cup of coffee and let the world pass us by for while.

Hi Leehebs,

I wrote a similar post the other day, saying that after 14 months I feel as though I've reverted to the beginning. What's happening? It is different but for some reason, some of the pain and bad memories that subsided around the 9th or 10th month have come back. This is a mystery to me. I'm crying everyday again. 

Hi Limbo

Sorry it’s taken so long to reply, I was away on the mainland , then had to rush back so I did not get stuck there, just seen your reply.

We have lost something precious from our lives, I think that will always come back to us.  I been much better for the last few weeks, not tearing up and able to think about Adele with tears. Some times things just build up and up then we have to let it all go again, which is good. I never regret crying , it lets out all the stress and strains allowing use to move forward with our live. 

Keep on living , we owe it to the ones we have lost.

take care Lee