Visits in your dreams

Mike I wholeheartedly agree with you. I cannot even bring myself to call it existing. Existence lies in the gutter and I feel so far below gutter level, its something to aspire to, if I had inclination to aspire to owt, which I don't.

I was at Ashworth in 90's. No matter what the worst thing either of us had would not compare to loss of an adored soulmate. I got cancer in January this year, told John (tho his own cancer had invaded his brain), which was an unavoidable but horrible thing to do in itself, then he passed away in Feb after 3 1/2 yr epic battle.He was told he was cancer free (like me) at one point. Yea, okay, well he is now I guess.

I had breast surgery on 4 July and when I came round our little grandson, 3, had died. John got cremated so his ashes are in babys coffin. I heartily wish I had not had that operation and instead was looking forward to being with my darling. x I send you a big hug Mike

Dear Geoff and Peaceful1

thank you for your kind replies, but I would not be able to stand the religious aspect. Because I feel raw, like my souldis bleeding I would be vocal and spoil it for everyone else and that would horrify me. I do get signs from my truelove, or I believe so. The are not all the time and not strong most of the time but I get the connection. One night I was selfishly distraught shouting at his photo for leaving me. Tried to calm myself so put telly on. It came on a channel I never watch...one of his fave groups Pet Shop boys singing, what about me? what have I done to deserve this? So I pressed any button, shocked upset and feeling guilty as I had never thought how HE may be feeling, and on came the one and only concert we ever went to, the queen Freddy Mercury Tribute concert, all with poignant songs John himself would pick, turned over again, Roy Orbison....In dreams, your mine, all of the time....just went on endlessly all night no matter what I did yet if I tried going back to a channel to check what I'd heard it was either another song, or a different artist or sometimes back on a loop as if I just put it on..... Been other things too...but it isn't seeing or hearing him is it! See, just like that petulant kid with lost teddy, sulking when someone has offered an almost identical teddy.

Nothing will matter in fifty years? Well I hope its a damn sight sooner than that!  Sorry to you both for my bad attitude. five days till its nine months and I am worse than ever... time is NOT a healer. In fact flashbacks of Johns death are intersperced with that of my mother over 25 yrs ago. She died on my shoulder....so I guess I am building myself a video.

Hi Darkhorse123. Again I am sorry for your loss and also for the loss of your grandchild, one bereavement is bad enough but to have a grandchild die as well must be absolutely horrendous.

Winnie had melanoma she found out just overnight 2 years ago , had an operation to remove some lymph nodes and radio therapy and was also told she was all clear. But then came back and spread to her brain and passed away on 15 July.

I agree with you this is below gutter level , just going from one day to the next waiting for bedtime  , I can’t think about the future or what it holds because being alone scares me  we were married for 43 years and now it all seems so strange  

i worked in Broadmoor , I started there in 1988 and took early retirement a few years ago so we could enjoy life , and then this happens  

life is so unfair  

Take care sending you a hug back  Mike 

Darkhouse123, I just wanted to say that if there's one time in life we're entitled to being selfish, self-centred, petulant, etc is now. I have no qualms about that. It's not just our soulmates that have been taken away but part of us, of who we are, perhaps, part of our own souls. How can one ever come to terms with that?

You said in one of your posts that you did not believe in God. I did, As I said in a previous post (but I need to rant), I believed everything. I prayed and believed in healing. Nothing, Just more pain and suffereing, more degradation. I can't figure out if I've stopped believing or if I'm just angry. When people tell me there's healing in death, I bite my tongue and say nothing to be polite. Death is death. Healing means you've recovered and you're still alive, or so it seems to me in a naive kind of way. I think you and most people on this forum will agree with me

I, too, am deeply sorry for your losses.

Limbo I could have written what you wrote about God. I too wonder if I believe but cling to the hope we'll be reunited. Your words on death and healing are my thoughts precisely, I'm fed up off people saying that I should take comfort that my husband is with God. No I'm not comforted, he should be here with me.

Take care

Dear Geoff, thank you for your post. I almost feel a connection. It is rare for bowel cancer to go to the brain, and cos john moved in the scanner, we will never know for sure, but the experts were fairly sure it had. I KNOW it had and on a video he made it is clear to those who were close to him. That aspect is truly horrific and I feel unless you experience that yourself, you can't have that deep connection with the horrors of it. It's almost like they are taken from you before they die and that is so, so cruel. I heartily feel for you and if you were here right now I would give you a hug your Winnie would want to give herself. Funny because my nickname in the family is Winnie. Having been strong most of my adult life, I never wanted to be called Granny or any version of it, so in a loving way, the family settled on 'Winnie the Witch'. John called me his pussycat because he said cats are beautiful, silky to touch, cute, strong minded but have deadly claws.  I called him my Tigger because he was so bouncy and full of life always...and like the one in Winnie the Pooh, he was the only one (winnie again, and this was when we first married & long before grandkids),  44 1/5 yrs married (1974, but met in 1972 when I was 15). I feel your pain...and I only wish I could stop it for you. I wish I could say it gets better, but my boy died in Feb, so almost 9 month on I only feel worse as that yawning gap grows...and I have tried a lot of things, not for me but for the family. Bad attitude I guess stops me I guess. I suppose having spent a lifetime of putting others first....including having my own cancer surgery in the midst of grief, for the sake of our struggling adult kids....I am now indulging in putting my own feelings first. Having the surgery I now know has helped no one. It's not helped our kids one bit and in fact robbed me of the chance to be with my gorgeous lad without having to do something the family would be hurt by. I guess one thing you said gives me a bit of food for thought is that your lovely wife's cruelly came back. Maybe mine will too and then I can rejoin my soulmate and be at peace   Meantime, I still urge you to try the things others say help. It didn't help me but it might help you. xx

Dear Limbo, I have had a difficult life from as long as I can recall back into my earliest childhood, and my parents before me too. Our marriage was always a big struggle, so I have not believed in God for a very long time.  Like you, though, you try anything and everything. So I did the praying and begging stuff and Isuck up your words in your post like someone in the desert finally at a watering hole. The only difference is I know I haven't stopped believing out of anger, even though I am incredibly angry.  I wish I could help you, like Geoff and the many people on here who are suffering, but I can't even help myself....and I do agree with you.  Ive had 6 very close losses in 9 months. John and baby Ross were the first two. Then cancer myself on top. It all made me very selfish. I saw a woman in hozi surrounded by family, holding hands with what appeared to be her partner (very loving and touching). She was extremely off the wall about her stage 1 cancer (mine had spread, stage 2 as I refused treatment as John was dying and needed me). I was acutely angry, yet I had no idea what else the poor woman had going on in her life. I just assumed it was stage 1 cancer. Clearly any cancer is scary and devastating, but at that point I was insanely jealous and wanted to scream at her how lucky she was and here was i all alone. My son, autistic and not dealing with losing his toddler and dad in weeks of each other couldnt support me, daughter who had helped nurse John as we both continued to work full time for over three years, was skint so had go back work, and exhausted, all cancered out, so it has to be me alone 99% of the time. I need to be a parent to my son, but only making things worse tbh. But it don't mean I don't feel the pain and grief of others on here or that I don't want to help them, I do.... I am truly broken when I see your pain and cannot help stop it. x

Hi dark horse123.

Just reading your reply to Geoff.

I've not posted anything for a few weeks, it's approaching 4 months since I lost my wonderful soulmate Amanda.

Your post echoes some similarities in your relationship, I met Amanda when she was 14, I was 16, we became a couple when she was 17 and I married her when she was 21, we were together for a further 46 years.

Things feel so strange and unnatural, to be without her, I truly feel lost without her, my feelings since she died have not changed, I can't get rid of her things apart from a few small unimportant bits.

With Christmas approaching, things don't seem to be getting any better reading here and talking to others in this situation it seems this can go on for along time or indeed forever. My daughter is finding the loss hard and is breaking down In tears, she thinks it's getting worse.

I'm trying so hard to live a more normal life, but so many years together, make it difficult if not impossible? I guess our life plans didn't include Cancer. I've reached out to some support groups, the hospice walking group, and the monthly lunch club, met some nice people, in fact everyone in our situation seem so nice and least deserving of the cruel fate we have been dealt. So for me nothing has changed, the hurt, the grief, the loneliness, it's all as it was months back. Many of us in this group have similar thoughts and the main one for most of us is we will never get over the loss of our soulmate, that's certainly how I feel right now and for the past 4 months.

As for dreams, still nothing, no dreams at all in fact.

I also note quite a few on here have had or seem to be developing Cancer in their own right, my PSA markers are up slightly, have been over the doctors limit for years but not by much, had a blood test today, let's hope that's not going to get worse.

Feel for you all, I so know we're all in this together, we share a unique grief, so my thoughts and wishes are with you all.

Gary.

Dear Darkhorse123. my friend.  You've  mistakenly addressed a post to me Geoff instead of Mick ( Winnmick)  Its the one posted on the 19th Nov. at 9-30am. But Im sure he will read it. 

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Hi Geoff , just read that post, l am sure we can all relate to how Darkhores feels. The days just feel so long , lonely and empty, sometimes it’s a struggle to get through them. I have just mopped the kitchen floor for something to do , but at the end of the day it will be only me that sees it , so I wonder sometimes what is the point. But I suppose we still have to try and keep going even if it is just for our own sanity.

how are you keeping Geoff. 

Mike