Young Adults who have lost a parent

Hi all

Never posted on a site like this. I’m in My late twenties, lost my dad at 19 and soon to lose my mum as much as I do not want to accept this. Thankfully I have some time to spend with her but many of my current thoughts particularly while she is in bed resting are consumed about how I will cope when she has gone. I was really hoping there would be some support in the way of groups out there but from my googling and searching so far there seems to be nothing which is a total blow. 

I came across this forum and I am feeling more comforted by reading that I am not alone. Really hoping that you guys have now set something up in terms of a support group as I would be really interested in hearing from you all and even knowing there is the possibility of some support out there in the future for me is a comfort at the moment as I am feeling very alone, grief stricken and worried about the future. I have a brother but we are not very close and have a complex relationship and all extended family have never been involved much in our lives, nor have they given much support throughout mums illness. I have recently decided to give up work too to concentrate on spending time with mum (my line of work is very stressful and emotionally draining therefore I am unlikely to be able to return for a long time, perhaps ever) so I am also feeling like  I’ve lost part of my identity and security with work. This is so hard writing this because it feels more like the reality or my situation is sinking in.

All I can say is that I have been so lucky and privileged to have this time now with my mum who has been fighting a particularly brave battle with cancer for some years. My relationship with my mum is extremely close and always has been, she is everything to me, the first person I share anything with and I am dreading this loneliness more than anything even though I have a partner.  

Hi Gmz1,

I am so sorry to hear your story. Life is very cruel. I am 32 and lost my Mum 4 months ago. We were incredibly close as she was essentially my only close family member.

I wish I had someone to tell me what to do when I was in the situation you are in now. My Mum went a lot faster than they expected and I thought I had time to give up work and stay with her (in fact I had just told work on the Friday that I wouldn't be in anymore from the Monday and she was gone on Tuesday morning). I spent so much time worrying about work and what state my life would be in by the time I would go back (where my projects would be, how I'd manage after using up all my annual leave etc). I wish I had ignored all these thoughts and just went and sat with her 24 hours a day soaking her up while I still could. All of these external things will be there afterwards and will sort themselves out but we will never get that time back with our Mums and it is those lost hours that I regret now. I also walked around believing she had a set amount of time left and worked on that timetable which is why I delayed stopping work, but of course cancer does not follow a timetable.

I have added you as a friend on here so we can maybe chat about support groups. 

My thoughts are with you and your Mum at this time. Take care of yourself. We all understand what you are going through so come back whenever you want. I have found it helpful reading the posts on this forum as I know I am totally alone in this.

Hi Max 

You are definitely not alone in this. There are no rules or guidelines as to how or when you grieve and various things in your life set it off again 

I lost my 52 year old Dad to Cancer when I was 30 and ten years later lost my Mum also to cancer. I think when my Dad died I had to be so strong for my devastated Mum and even when Mum died I couldn’t grieve as I didn’t have a very supportive partner and was just trying to keep my young children from suffering too. 

When I found I also had cancer last summer the first thing I wanted was my parents and felt cheated that they weren’t around to turn to. 

As someone else said friends are amazing and my girls are now 18 and 20 and still at home with me but I can’t ever let them see that I struggle some days. They think I’m superwoman who can beat anything that life throws at me - probably because it really has thrown a lot and I’ve handled it all. 

But god forbid if I don’t beat this myself I don’t know how they will cope because who will be here for them with no grandparents either. 

I’ve just spent the last three days in hospital with an infection and it must have frightened them but we don’t talk about it. I spent the last night in the ward where my Mum died and it really brought it all back even after 11 years. But as usual I am stoic and made jokes all day with everyone as my way of coping.  

Sometimes I think that showing that you are actually human is better than my way of coping and not wanting to worry anyone around me. If that is a counsellor or a friend you can talk to or on here please do it. No one will ever tell you that you should have got over it by now. 

Xmas, birthdays, anniversaries etc come every year so how can anyone possibly forget or ‘get over it’, whatever age you are. 

We are all human xx

Hi guys,

I’m glad (wish it wasn’t the case for anyone though...) there are others out there who are going through something similar to me and my sister. We’re about to lose our beautiful mother who is 55 yesterday.

Neither of us are married or have kids yet (26 and 29 yo), and the number one thing we wanted was for Mum to meet her grandkids, which she won’t now, and others I’ve spoken to who have lost parents to cancer just aren’t in the same boat, they don’t seem to have the same understanding.

Was there a Facebook group set up or something? Or was there a meet-up organised? I’d love to talk to people dealing with the same grief as we are, as we go through this horrible experience.

Hi everyone,

Firstly, deep condolences to you all on your losses and if it's any comfort to you I have an idea what you're going through. When I saw this discussion today, it struck a cord with me straight away. I'm 24 and I lost my wonderful Dad to multiple myeloma at the beginning of February after a heroic 14 year long battle with the illness. He was 56 years old. My older brother is 26 and my sister is only 18. I completely agree that there needs to be a lot more support networks available for young people in their 20's who have lost their parents - it isn't always possible to relate to individuals who have lost parents who were in their 70's / 80's. There isn't any sort of support group that I'm aware of round where I live in Mid Wales, although maybe I'm not looking in the right places! But it was great to find this group that I know will fully understand how I'm feeling. I went back to work two weeks after the funeral and although it's been nice to get back to a routine, the realisation that he isn't here anymore hits me when I least expect it. When these moments occur I feel such an overwhelming sadness that I just don't know what to do with myself. But I'm lucky to have a wonderful family, partner, friends and colleagues who have given me such loving support. I'm determined to live my life as best I can, in honour of Dad's memory. He fought on when he didn't feel like it, so I have a duty to do the same.

Best wishes to everyone on this group chat.

All my love,

GMJ

Hi Ben

So sorry for your loss

I’m in the same boat as you

I’m 23 and recently lost my Dad to cancer and there doesn’t seem much about for our age

Elle 

“I'm determined to live my life as best I can, in honour of Dad's memory. He fought on when he didn't feel like it, so I have a duty to do the same.”

I think this is where I am at the moment. I know we’re lucky that she’s still here for the moment, but with recent developments it’s looking like Mum will be gone in weeks. I know I have to carry on and still do all the things I dreamed of doing with her (have kids, have a wedding day, have big family christmases), but I’m heartbroken that all these important life milestones are all going to be tinged with sadness now because I will wish she was here to see them.

I feel that people who have gone through all these milestones with parents still around aren’t quite able to relate.

Hi all

I'm 25 and recently lost my Mum to a very quick and horrible Pancreatic cancer. I too felt extremely lonely and young. There is support for children and older people, and even 'widows'.

I found a great charity online called The Dinner Party where a group of 20 to 30 somethings meet up, have dinner and talk about anything.we are not qualified in any way apart from having experienced loss of a loved one. It's made me feel much less lonely  as someone who wanted to find others and talk about grief. I understand it's not for everyone. Google it if you are interested.

Sending love to all, we are not alone  x

Hi giantrobot 

My beautiful sister passed a week ago of pancreatic cancer she got an infection b4 starting chemo....I'm not sure which group I belong in because as some as said it' mums and dads in their 70 and 80.... I know how it feels to lose my dad just before Xmas he was 84 and I miss him dearly but my sister was only 55 and full of life.... she leaves behind a 24 yr old daughter.... Ive had a really bad day today can' stop crying we were so close I feel very guilty because I survived breast cancer 2 years ago but she didn' stand a chance.... I'm going to raise money for research into pancreatic cancer to try to help others..

Hope you have lots of family support.

Love

Lou xx

Hi giant Robot,

I am 24 and a month ago lost my Mum to Pancreatic Cancer too.

I also feel lonely I was so close to her and sometimes can’t face the thoughts of being without her for the rest of my life.

I am going to have a look at the dinner party on google.

Take care x