With a heavy heart I write my beloved father passed away on the 8th April after being diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer. Being so fit and well still working enjoying life, after the only symptom being a cough my father was quickly diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer stage 4. That day was the day that broke my heart walking into that appointment coming away so devastated. It was much more aggressive than initially expected. And he survived a short 8 weeks. 4 weeks of those was waiting for biopsy results and his deterioration became so rapid. He had a very short window of when he was well so chemo was started with the hope that they could shrink the cancer. He had his first cycle and side effects weren’t too bad at first and day 8 he took the tablet part of the chemo and on day 10 my father’s oxygen levels dropped. He was admitted into ICU fighting infection. He had caught sepsis and everything they were giving was not working. He died only five days later. His mind was intact. The cancer had completely collapsed his lungs and blocked his airway and the infection made it worse. An earlier prognosis we were told around 12 months but where’s 8 weeks and where is 12 months. I sit and think about every single moment from diagnosis until his passing. I pushed for the chemo and they gave us a quicker spot. I pushed all the appointments but reality is that I pushed him closed to his death. It’s hard to understand why he deteriorated so quick. On diagnosis he was fit and well and after the biopsy things just changed overnight. I didn’t even know he was dying he was just tired still talking but weak and no energy and he fell asleep took 3 short breaths and left. I was so confused not at any point did it register that my father was at end of life. He was in active treatment right up until the end. My world feels like it’s come crashing down. I feel like he didn’t have a fair fight. I kept telling myself it was the start of a long journey , little did I know the journey was already going to end at the first hurdle. There’s so many questions I have and it doesn’t make the grief any easier. He was my whole world. I always thought I’d be able to see my parents grow old where I’d have a real opportunity to care for them but in a short 8 weeks that’s all I had. Everything going forward will be hard. I don’t know what the right or wrong way is to grieve. Right now I don’t want to be around people or involve myself in conversations. I go to the graveyard every day to sit with him and even that doesn’t bring me peace but some days I find myself going there more than once in the day so maybe it does give me some peace there I don’t know. It’s a horrible illness and I’m scared of the word cancer because I just assume death. I don’t know if it will get easier in time or manage to live with it but i know I’m struggling to accept how quick things have happened.
Hi Zara2468
Sorry to hear about what happened with your dad. My dad died after a long illness where he just got worse and worse while my mum died totally out of the blue. Even now 13 years later I could not really say which was worse.
Sepsis is really frightening, my wife had that and ended up in a coma in intensive care for a week and the consultant said it was 50/50 - fortunatly she survived.
Grieving is a very personal process so I don't know really if there is a right or wrong way. If at some point you decide who might want some support though there is help on offer via cruse berevment care and the loss foundation.
<<hugs>>
Steve
Hi Zara2468,
My name is Matthew, and I work as part of Macmillan’s Online Community Team. We're the team who work on supporting our Online Community to make sure it stays safe and working well. Thank you for sharing that with the Online Community.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your much-loved father. I doubt there is a length of time long enough that would ever prepare someone for the loss of a loved one. The fact that you have been through all of this in just 8 short weeks means you have experienced a significant amount of emotional challenge in an extremely short amount of time.
I think it is only natural that you would be struggling to process what has happened, and that it would make you feel perhaps shocked and overwhelmed. Wanting to avoid others and wanting to spend time near your father’s resting place is also a very understandable reaction. Don’t forget, it has been barely three weeks since you lost your father, and so I hope you will be kind to yourself and accept that this exceptionally difficult time is still relatively brand new.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no timetable that you (or anybody else) should expect you to grieve by. Suffering a loss like this will take time to heal from. The pain may seem overwhelming now, but it does get better. The process of healing doesn’t mean forgetting about your loved one, either. You’ll always love and remember them. But with time, the pain associated with that loss will lessen, slowly leaving all the good things you remember to remain.
Whatever you might be feeling from day-to-day, if you need to talk, please don’t forget that our Information and Support Team are ready and waiting to listen. You can get in touch by calling our Macmillan Support Line on freephone 0808 808 00 00. The team is available from 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week, and you can also speak to them via email or live webchat.
I can also recommend getting in touch with the Cruse Bereavement Support line if you’d like help that specialises in coping with feelings of loss and grief. You can reach them by calling 0808 808 1677. They’re available from 9:30am to 5:30pm on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. On Tuesday they are open from 1pm to 8pm.
Wishing you all the very best in this difficult time, Zara. Macmillan and the Online Community are here for you, so please do stay in touch.
All the best,
Matthew
Macmillan Online Community Team
Hi Zara 2468
First of all please let me offer you my condolences for the sad loss of your father.
In 2022, my husband became unwell. I remember the evening he asked me ‘is it normal to have blood in your mucus after coughing?’ This sent off alarm bells. I asked him ‘why? Are you? How long has this been happening for?’ He told me for the last two weeks. He then said his chest felt like someone was sitting on it. I phoned 111 out of concern. An ambulance took him to hospital, I followed in my car. After X-rays and blood tests they sent him home with antibiotics. This helped a little, but he soon became unwell again and saw the doctors in the out of hours who also gave him antibiotics and sent him home. Once the antibiotics were finished, about one week later he told me he was really not feeling well. We booked an appointment at our GP practice. He went in alone as he wished. She asked if anyone had discussed his X-ray with him. He told her no, only to tell him he had a chest infection. She told my husband that she did not like the presentation of the X-ray and was putting him for further testing on the 2 week wait. He had tests and biopsies. Then we went for the results. We waited like everyone else. We were called into a room where a very young looking doctor examined my husband and spoke with us. There was no Nurse Specialist with us, just the doctor, my husband and myself. He was asked how much pain he was in, my husband told him. He then said he would prescribe morphine for the pain. I asked why. The doctor asked my husband ‘do you understand what is happening?’ To which my husband replied ‘I’m not stupid mate, I’m guessing I have the word everyone is avoiding. I guess it’s cancer?’ To which the doctor said yes. Fighting back tears to show my husband support (he hated someone crying over him) I asked, ‘what stage are we talking about here?’ The doctor looked me square in the eye and said ‘it’s stage 4, metastasis. There’s nothing we can do for you.’ Looking towards my husband. After some more polite chat he told us where we could get the prescription and that X-rays would be taken to see about the cancer that had spread to his bones. We were told to speak with reception to get the CNS telephone number on our way out. (Who was very rude and clearly having an off day, I thought you should try having a day like ours).
We went home and told our children. 11 weeks and 2 days later, my husband died at our home in my arms. He declined chemo and surgery. He told me he just wouldn’t survive those and he wanted to do things his way. He was a strong man with his own mind.
I wanted to grow old with my husband, but sometimes it’s just not meant to be. At first I was so scared of the word cancer, I work in a hospital and it’s only now, now that I am going through active treatment myself that I can face it and not fear it.
You did things for your dad that you hoped, at the time were right for him. You did your best for him. He would have known that and loved you for it.
Please don’t go through the blaming yourself stage. It’s a natural process and I think we all go there. You did your best. You should be proud.
When you are ready for the support, take it. Counselling, whatever but only when you are ready.
Take care, lots of love and support to you 
koigirl
