My wife had stage 4 cancer which then travelled to her brain. 6 months of treatment with us all being very positive and willing to beat the cancer. 6 months is all it took from diagnosis to the end. It’s very hard to accept that you have lost your very best friend and are never going to see them again. Nearly 3 months later since her death and I miss her terribly. They do say with time that a person can get through grief so powerful that it takes my breath away, early days I suppose and I have no real expectations right now other than putting one foot in front of the other and getting up to a new dawn each day.
Hi Hillside
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your wife and best friend.
You are right that over time you get through this. However, the pain does not go away but you find ways to recognise triggers and find coping strategies to help you deal with it. This makes it feel easier but it will always be there.
During this time talk to your wife as much as you want - even just quickly mentioning the weather when you come back into the house. Visit one of her favourite places and talk to her there. She will always be around you and will try to send you signs that she is there. You have to open yourself to accept these signs - radio / tv retuning to her favourite, finding an unexpected white feather, the smell of her perfume without any physical cause. These will be ways she will let you know that she is near and will try to support you as best she can.
Taking each day as it comes is the best way of dealing with this - if you want a day alone in the house with lots of crying then do so. If you are out anywhere ie shopping, you can go to the toilet for 5 minutes or just leave the shop and go home as soon as possible. The main thing is not to hide your emotions as this will be worse long term. Talk about your wife with people who knew her - if you get upset they will understand. Create a memory book about your wife including lots of stories and photos. Writing is a great way of expressing your emotions and will be a great way to remember things especially for any children / grandchildren.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
