Missing my Mummy

Hi Katie

Just sending you my thoughts and prayers. I, too, lost my Mum a few weeks ago after she was diagnosed with cancer in January. Like you, I wasn't with her when she passed away in hospital - I got there five minutes too late. It's her birthday today and it's the funeral on Tuesday. I still feel absolutely numb and I'm not sure what feelings to expect at/after the funeral. It's really not sunk in yet - the other day I found myself shouting into the next room: 'Mum - where's your birth certificate?'

So far I've survived by making myself mega-busy with funeral arrangements, financial arrangements, looking after two houses now, going back to work after a couple of months of juggling work projects with caring duties. It's been full-on but I feel that - if I stop and think for too long - I'm going to crash! So being manically busy has helped me - and made me focus on something other than the fact that I face a future without Mum. 

I'm an only child and friends/family have been great but I've also found great solace in checking out these forums - not necessarily posting but just reading messages from people who truly understand. And also - horrible to say it - just realising that there are people whose experiences have been so much worse than mine has been an eye-opener. I've started to feel profoundly grateful that Mum wasn't in too much pain and that she didn't suffer for too long. Small mercies.

The hardest part so far has been writing the eulogy for Mum - I want so much to do her life justice but it's heart-rending putting words down on paper. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hear you, I feel for you and I wish you, your Dad and the rest of your family all the best.

Hi Livia, 

Thanks so much for your reply. I am so sorry to hear about the devastating loss of your Mum. I feel every single emotion that you are going through.I really hope your Mum’s funeral goes as well as it can tomorrow and you can celebrate the wonderful woman that she was. Sending you all the strength to help you through such a difficult day. 

Katie xxx 

Liviacalibri, i hope the funeral went as well as these things can. I still remember my mums funeral, 8 years on.

Katie, im sorry to read about your mum. Let the emotions come and go, you can have s full range of emotions in the same day or even the same hour. You will be all over the place, as you just start to process whats happened ( my husband died in October and I still feel overwhelmed a lot). Just take one day at a time, if you are in charge of paperwork, tackle it a bit each day. If you are helping your dad, still aim for small things each day. Some days you might not feel like getting out of bed, some days you cant face the world and some days you can do small or big things to help you and your dad. Its not surprising your dad is finding it hard and its ok if you cry together or share memories. 

Do chat here, we are a decent bunch. Hugs to you x

Hi Katie/Malengwa

Thanks to both of you for your thoughts. I survived the funeral! It was a lovely tribute to Mum and the church was full. It was all pitched as a celebration of life - we had an intimate send-off at the crematorium first before going to the memorial service at church. 

But it's weird - I didn't cry once. I spent the whole time panicking about things like whether I'd catered for enough people or how people were going to manage getting from the car park to the church in pouring rain. I didn't sleep at all last night - just pumped full of adrenalin. 

And now? I don't quite know what to do with myself at all. There's all the finance chaos to deal with and the clear-out process to begin but I feel too numb to start on that. 

Katie - I hope you're dealing with the emotional rollercoaster as best you can. Malengwa is right about slowly taking one thing at a time.

Malengwa - one thing I'm doing today is writing thank-you notes to people who helped with the funeral. And I feel I owe you a big thank-you too, even though I've never met you. Ever since Mum was diagnosed, you've responded to me on these forums with advice, empathy and support. It really is appreciated and I hope you continue you on your journey to recovery after the devastating loss of your husband. 

I think these forums are an amazing source of guidance for carers, so I shall keep returning in case I can give anyone advice in the way you have helped me.

Hi liviaCalibri

Im glad you gave your mum a good send off, you will remember it for many years, Im sure. I cried from start to finish at my husbands, I was so relieved the celebrant was fantastic. There is a post funeral slump and for me it was when I got a nasty bug thing that took weeks to clear so do try to look after yourself now. Just pick at the paperwork, I made a list of priorities and just ticked them off. I did it all myself including probate but just slowly.

Thankyou for your kind words, I wish I had found the carer forum whilst I was going through that turmoil of caring. And you will find your experiences will help others.

X