I am still nearly three years on struggling from the loss of my dad. I made my profile on here back in 2019 when dad was diagnosed, I was desperate for help and advice this place was so helpful for me, I am hoping that maybe I can find some support here again. This may be a little bit of a long post I do apologise in advance.
I was 19 when my dad was diagnosed my sister was 17, dad raised us as a single father from toddlers, we were a close net family of three.
He was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma of the tonsil, they were hopeful they could cure it, he went through radiotherapy, chemotherapy a neck dissection over then space of three years, it was brutal and changed him physically. But as he was young 48-51 he bounced back quickly, he could walk, talk, joke laugh and eat all up until his last days, he was him just a little frailer.
In late 2022 I fell pregnant with my son, my dad's first grandchild, everything was okay, dad was terminal at this point but had been for years and not much had changed or declined in them years.
A day before my anatomy five month scan, my dad messaged me early hours to say he was at derriford because he had bled, I called him immediately the paramedics answered and assured he was okay and to get here when we can.
We were a little panicked but there were no immediate alarm bells, we got to the hospital and looked for dad, couldn't find him. A&E told us he'd popped outside for a cigarette, we went to his usual smoking spot for the hospital, blood was everywhere which sent me and my sister into hysterics. We were found by two staff who quickly ushered us back to A&E.
We saw dad, he was upright and alert but still actively bleeding from his mouth, we were told he was going to die and soon, I requested an early gender scan to tell my dad the gender of my baby before he went, a boy.
The next day after an overnight stay in the hospital dad wanted to go home to pass, which we did, the only measures I was given to manage the oncoming bleed was use dark towels to mask blood, call an ambulance, and an ORAL midazolam which I don't understand to this day why this was advised.
Three days go by at home with no event, we watched pretty much any movie to distract us, then it happened he bled and lost consciousness within minutes, 3 Litres of blood puddle surrounded his frame on the bathroom lino floor, I tried, I tried to administer the midazolam but as you can imagine I couldn't get any of it in his mouth with what was running out.
He somehow survived this, much much weaker but he was still able to somehow walk, talk and of all things smoke days after this second event, next option was a hospice, which we got dad all settled into.
The hospice was amazing with care for our family, I've raised money for them since dad passed away. It was a five month wait for the next bleed, we saw him up there everyday, we joked, watched box sets, the X Files lol, and functioned like our normal family unit just in a different environment.
The toll the anticipatory grief took is undescribable, every time we left, it felt like a last goodbye, for months, saying goodbye like it's the last time.
I gave birth and my dad met baby, then he declined which we anticipated, he'd fought to see the baby and now his body was surrendering. He got six weeks with his grandbaby.
Then the 30th of September 2023 his last carotid blowout came, we stayed by his side for five hours as he bled and then he died he was 52, I was 23.
I remember feeding my son shortly after he passed as my son was at the hospice with me but in an opposite room, I remember looking down at myself covered in tears, milk and drips of blood.
I have since looked for support groups for this condition couldn't find any so I made my own, I got therapy for a year which helped with venting it but not the connection part, I've raised £2000 for the hospice he passed at.
But I just can't myself out this rut of grief, I am longing for a connection someone to talk to about it who seen it, I don't want comforting as such but to talk to someone who knows what it is, has seen it, someone who won't flinch at these words.
I've tried so hard to help myself and my family since, and for 95% of the time I'm too caught up in daily life and parenting a toddler to give my grief any attention, but it's there I can feel it nibbling away.
Is there anything I can do to ease it at all, is there anyone who wants to discuss similar circumstances? Is there any particular therapies or bereavement groups I've missed or not found? Any help or guidance is appreciated thank you so much for reading this.
Here's a letter my dad wrote me in anticipation of his passing, I try to adhere to these words as best I can, he truly was the very best dad I could have had
