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‘I believe that when I die I shall rot, and nothing of my ego will survive.’
(Bertrand Russell)
I was strongly influenced by Russell’s writing when introduced to it by a friend in my undergraduate days; it confirmed my atheism and my conviction that there is no life after this one. I do not dread dying but do regret that I will not be alive to witness significant future events, such as the birth of further grandchildren. It seems to me that only those who think there might be an afterlife...
‘One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all’
(“White Rabbit”, Jefferson Airplane)
Cancer treatment involves an enormous number and diversity of drugs, dispensed in hospital by numerous pharmacists who carefully check that each patient has exactly what has been prescribed. Patients carry these home in distinctive bright green bags. Why pills vary so much in size, shape and colour is quite baffling...
‘It is a clinical impression that some patients given oral corticosteroids develop a sense of wellbeing that is 'inappropriate' to improvements in physical health. This has been termed steroid 'euphoria', but unlike steroid-induced psychosis it has not been documented.’ **
It has not all been bad. I have had two unprecedented periods of artistic creativity over the last year which seem to have been an unexpected, but not unwelcome consequence of chemotherapy, particularly...
‘Sometimes my burden is more than I can bear,
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there.’
(Bob Dylan)
So far, dying for me has been a very slow and gradual process, punctuated by the occasional drama. Each day, I find myself slightly less able to do things. As a result, my world has shrunk, both in terms of what I do and in terms of the physical space I occupy. I am now largely confined to my house, and therein to my study and the kitchen. This gradual process contrasts with...
‘You can check out any time you want,
But you can never leave.’
(“Hotel California”, The Eagles.)
Perhaps the biggest bore when spending time in hospital is waiting for one’s Discharge Letter, a document drafted by a doctor outlining any updated diagnosis and any changes of medication. This has to be accompanied by a bright green bag containing existing and new drugs to take home. Waiting for this can take hours; on one occasion, despite being told I would be going home the...
Sometimes, lying awake at night, I imagine what my mutant T cells are up to. In real life, normal ones are spherical and are generally depicted looking like meat balls or balls of wool, with a halo of fine filaments. It is not clear if they can move around the body of their own accord, but I imagine them as rampaging gangs, like the droogs in the film A Clockwork Orange, moving through my blood vessels looking for mischief. “Let’s cause a rash here, or an itch here, or a runny nose could be fun....
Much of the diversity of cancer largely arises, of course, from genetics. We are all genetically unique and our cancers, caused by mutations, add to the uniqueness. A work colleague once did a study of the language used by cancer doctors to talk to patients; as well as the obvious ‘tumour’, ‘growth’, ‘lump’, etc., there was ‘naughty tissue’. I laughed at the time but actually it’s rather appropriate. In my case, the naughty, mutant tissue is T-cells, which are normally part of the body’s immune system...
Chemotherapy is administered in a large, open Day Treatment Unit (DTU), in which around 20 patients receive treatment while seated on chairs or lying on beds. The atmosphere in the DTU could have been gruesome, given that many of its occupants are heading for their grave, but in fact it is one of cheerful efficiency, and it’s very obvious that the nurses are very much in charge. It is a female environment, with no apparent hierarchy. For me, it has become a comforting and familiar place, where I...
It became apparent to me that, for what remained of my life, I would be in the hands of the NHS, a prospect that made me apprehensive, given the fog of bad publicity and gloom that has surrounded it in recent years. Everyone I have dealt with or who has treated me in Oxford’s various hospitals has done so with the utmost kindness, respect and enormous skill. Above all, they care. The problems facing the NHS are many and obvious but, if low morale is one of them, it has not been apparent to...
I was diagnosed with Lymphoma just before Christmas 2016; specifically, I have Angio-immunoblastic T-cell Lymphoma (AITL). A recent study described the prognosis for this disease as ‘dismal’ and concluded that there has been no improvement in survival for AITL patients over the last 20 years*. It was clear to me from the beginning that this diagnosis was probably a death sentence.
I intended the present narrative to be an account of my experience with lymphoma, but as I have been writing...
