Five years on - I live a normal life. I’ve drawn strength from you - knowing you’d be proud of me and my decisions.
I got my home back - my home.
And in it are pictures of you and always will be.
I don’t live in agony every day anymore. But I know real love never dies and that I will carry you with me in my heart until I go. I always hope one day I will know what you know- what happens after this life.…
I was given a piece of advice when I lost you - dont make any major decisions or changes for at least a year. Grief was so painful I ignored that advice....
Anyway it's not neat in a book where there are chapters... it's not the beggining of a story and the end of a story. Its forever threaded through my life like silver thread. Its changed me forever. I'll never be the me I was before. Life will not be neat little chapters…
This will be my last blog post. I don't fit anymore in the going through it phase. But I am not past it either. I am in the land of the 'living' again. I raced there, I rushed there - I couldn't bear to be in that desperate dark and frightening place that is grief, I ran from it, I fought it. Not sure how healthy or possible that is but that was my way of bearing it. And so I ran at lightening speed not…
Brian,
I am tormented by the last day of your life. I don't like to remember it and keep trying to override my mind when it recalls the memory. I cant bear that you were so young and your otherwise healthy body just stopped working. I cant accept I will never touch your face, hold your hand or hear your voice ever again.
You are very much here to me - your personality and everything that was you is alive in my memory…
I thought it was painful when you were here and I was anticipating and trying to prepare myself for you going. But then I could walk in the room and hold you or kiss you or chat with you. I can't do that now. I thought I knew what real pain was - I had no idea.
I've the pile of laminate floor in my bedroom that I can't fit without you. I can't do it. You were doing it. Its a constant reminder that you are…
