Brian,
I am tormented by the last day of your life. I don't like to remember it and keep trying to override my mind when it recalls the memory. I cant bear that you were so young and your otherwise healthy body just stopped working. I cant accept I will never touch your face, hold your hand or hear your voice ever again.
You are very much here to me - your personality and everything that was you is alive in my memory. This is the most painful experience of my entire life.
When you were diagnosed all I could think about was the illness and losing you. Now that I have lost you all that I can think about is when you were well and everything was so happy and settled. You were like a ray of beautiful sunshine in my life.
How did this happen? This happens to other people - not to you - not to me. Brain tumours are rare? Every time someone worries they have a brain tumour they are reassured how rare it is. I cannot believe it happened to you. My Brian.
I have no idea how to live without you. I am throwing myself into ridiculously pointless tasks such as fitting carpets, painting, changing colour themes - anything I can think of that makes me not have to remember that last day. Oh it does hurt when I say it. How can you be really gone? I can't accept it. I can't. I miss you every single moment of every single day. And the pain seems to increase as the time increases since I could be with you. How did we come to this?
I feel so sorry - sorry that you were taken away before you were ready. Away from me and away from your children. I know that would break your heart. I know that you love them and that you love me. And that you'd never leave if you had been given a choice.
I don't know how to face a life without you in it. And so far I am not - I am just hiding in my house in a pretend world. A place where I can remember you being with me. A place with many reminders of happier times.
I have a kitten and a dog with me constantly. My little shadows and my only ray of light in the darkness, my furry little buddies. I know you would have told me off for getting a kitten. Animal crazy you know that ;) I get such comfort from animals. I feel less alone with them with me all day. I broke the rules Lion, I didn't get a kitten before because I knew the fur made your skin sometimes go funny. But now I need every morsel of comfort I can find. And I hope you watch me cuddle that kitten and I hope you don't mind anymore. I am just trying to survive. You understand that right?
I want to know why? why? why? Why you? It cannot just be senseless cruelty surely? It cannot be mindless random cruelty? Were you needed somewhere else? I can't bear it. I am on the highest dose possible of anti depressants and I still feel appallingly sad. My life is just ruined. I have to live this half life now. I cannot even ask you if you are OK and happy where you are - you do not answer. And I know you would if you could. That really worries me. Some days I strongly believe someone as special as you must be somewhere. Other days I think if you were somewhere you would tell me somehow. And you haven't. So what does that silence mean? Does it mean life really is cruel enough to let us be born, love, learn and feel only to just wipe us out at random times? Or do we only have to suffer this intolerable cruelty for a little while before we go to a happier place?
Deep in my gut I think is this punishment for something I have done? I know irrational but its an automatic belief that I have no control over with my rational thoughts. The stabbing pain in my chest when I think of you laid there powerless to stop that disease robbing you of your life. Robbing all of us of you forever. How are we meant to be OK now? I don't think I will ever be the same me ever again. I will never view the world in the same way. Because you are missing from it and because of what I have been made to face, How can I think the world is a nice place to be? Or that life has meaning? How can it have meaning if in the end we are all taken away against our wishes? What is the point in that? I don't understand. Maybe when its my turn for my body to attack me I will find out.
Everything is ruined. We have lost our happy ending forever Lion and I cannot imagine ever being anything but angry and utterly defeated. All I needed was you - all I needed was you and my daughter. I could have taken anything else- but not this. Not losing you. You and my daughter are my everything and I know you know that. You've gone forever anyway and there is nothing at all I can do about it. As I write that - you have gone forever - its stabs me right in the guts. I am not sure I have anywhere near accepted that as my fate. As your fate. As our fate.
I love you so much - words aren't enough. I feel like part of me has gone with you. I don't understand what the point of living is - if all we can look forward to is pain. Endless pain.
I was just about to type goodbye Lion. But I can't say goodbye x I simply cannot say goodbye. I am not ready - and I don't think I ever will be.
I love you x
Karen
