This will be my last blog post. I don't fit anymore in the going through it phase. But I am not past it either. I am in the land of the 'living' again. I raced there, I rushed there - I couldn't bear to be in that desperate dark and frightening place that is grief, I ran from it, I fought it. Not sure how healthy or possible that is but that was my way of bearing it. And so I ran at lightening speed not to be there.
I look back on my posts at six weeks, seven weeks and I can see in my writing I was desperately trying not to be there. Trying to heal before it was humanly possible, trying to make sense of the senseless, trying to get to a place where I could live with it. Either I am lacking something or we all deal with things in our own way. I just didn't know how else to bear it other than to hope and try to return to the land I know. Kind of like how some people made the best out of the blitz. Dealt with things on a practical level and don't stay in the day - look ahead. Blinkers on and look ahead. Plans, solutions,, hope. Thats how I do things Brian. Its how I need to do things.
One thing I did write that wasn't a desperate attempt at survival racing ahead to imagined healing - was that I have changed forever. That is very true. Every now and again I am conscious that I live as though I am just a tragedy away from change. Every day when things are OK I am grateful, every week that things are 'OK' is a week I feel fortunate for - cos I'd do anything but be that woman in that place. Every person I love is a huge risk. The place where I had to stand on the earth and look at the sky knowing you were gone. It takes my breath away to think about it - if I allow myself to go there. Like a living nightmare of hell - the sentence is the best I can think of but doesn't nearly do it justice.
If clairvoyants do have the special ability they claim to have. I know you don't know why you got ill - neither do I. I know you want me to go on my life path with love and blessings. I know you are in a place of in between with a woman who irritates you, with your Dad. Confirmation that you are a bit of a del boy ha ha that you show her pain in your head and weakness in your legs. I know you watch over us all and worry about your Mum. I know you struggle to keep an eye on us all. I know you will look down and it must look as though I am all OK now and need you to keep an eye on me the least. Thing is I am changed for ever - its just not visible to the naked eye.
I really did love you. With all my heart and soul. I really, really did. And I am not allowed to love you anymore -I'm only allowed to love my memory of you. The irony is all this solution focused, looking ahead and planning for the future. My very tools of survival. I know its just human basic survival that doesn't actually mean much - I know cos you were making those plans, having all those dreams and looking for solutions right before you died. Probably I know that there is no point in plans and solutions and looking ahead. Life happens whilst you are making plans. And so does death.
Think I am left with a feeling you are out there somewhere. I feel that. I also think life is a journey and experience. Its not meant to be easy or a destination. Its like a game. And when you've finished playing you get recalled for an appraisal of your efforts. In leaving - you give those who love you an experience of pain they can use for their appraisal.
I just live, I just let the buildings and bombs fall around my ears and carried on walking until I found a place where the buildings were standing. Just like those who lived through the blitz - it might be calm now, the houses may be standing and the bombs may have stopped falling. But the memory of it, the memory of the pain, fear and the absolute despair is just a thought away. Its peace now - but don't be fooled as you look at the woman who lives in peaceful times. Because she will always be the woman who lived through the blitz.
Respect and love for you. I am glad you are in a better place and hope to see you at my appraisal.
Love Karen
