I thought it was painful when you were here and I was anticipating and trying to prepare myself for you going. But then I could walk in the room and hold you or kiss you or chat with you. I can't do that now. I thought I knew what real pain was - I had no idea.
I've the pile of laminate floor in my bedroom that I can't fit without you. I can't do it. You were doing it. Its a constant reminder that you are never, ever coming back.
I've reinstated breakdown cover - remembering as I did it how you told me to cancel it because I didn't need it now I had you with me on my side. Tears in eyes as I arranged cover but I knew better tears than I would have if I broke down in the dark of night and couldn't ring you to ask for your help :( Nobody in the world would care if I did break down unless I pay them. You did it because you loved me.
I was planning to move house with you wasn't I? But no, now I will not be going anywhere. Just staying here on my own.
I am ploughing through the days on the promise that eventually it wont feel like my guts are being ripped out, one day it wont be agony and I will just be able to remember the good times. There are plenty of those - at the minute they cause pain in my chest. Maybe in five years they will be remembered fondly without the crushing pain.
My life is totally detonated and trashed and its a pile of rubble in front of me. I need you.
I have to shake my head and refuse to remember the end. Because thoughts of it torment me. The sadness of it, my powerlessness. The image of you leaving your beautiful body. I loved your body, I loved you. It breaks my heart into a thousand pieces every time I think of it. I don't know what to do with myself Brian. I need to ask you but I can't. I can't go to work and function, I cannot sleep, I cannot distract myself for any length of time. All that is serving me is knowledge that being unhappy doesn't kill you, that I can physically stand and breathe. I just feel like its really dark and there is no sunshine without you. I don't feel like there ever will be. But I still hold on to the idea that there might be because I don't know what I would do if I didn't hope for peace in the future.
Its physically painful, my joints ache, my hips, my knees. And I think my hair is thinning at the front and its starting to look noticeable to me. I don't care particularly. I knew it would be hard and very painful the moment you were diagnosed. But knowing it hasn't made it any easier if anything it is worse than I anticipated.
I am walking through existence one hour and one day at a time. That's too much to be perfectly honest. That's before I am forced to return to work and face the real world without you. I am delaying it because I know that's when life and reality and work and bills aren't always easy. That's when the pain and grief is going to start biting even more fiercely.
I am avoiding it. But when I do have to face that - I will let you know agonising it is at the time.
