“From the greatest loss of my life, came the birth of a new beginning and a new way I could help my community.”
As Linda says in her video and many people say on the Online Community, you may feel that nothing can prepare you for your loved one’s final days and coping with bereavement. Many people may feel they’re not sure what to expect when a loved one is dying. As part of Macmillan’s Digital Storytelling Project, Linda has created a video to share her experience supporting her mum through end of life. She also talks about her decision to found a charity, No One Dies Alone Ayrshire, to support people who are at the end of their life and their families. We’re sharing Linda’s story this month as part of National Grief Awareness Week.
Linda’s video is called “A Hand to Hold”, which you can watch below:
As Linda’s video doesn’t have closed captions, we’ve provided a transcript of Linda’s video below:
“
From the greatest loss of my life, came the birth of a new beginning and a new way I could help my community and help shape it into a community better prepared for the end of life.
Transitioning through my pain helped me to now help others through theirs.
There was this little old lady that I was looking after, and I often felt that I didn’t recognise. Then she would smile warmly at me and thank me for wetting her lips with ice and I could see clearly that she was my mum. Shining through as a life ebbed out of her tired bones. She had been fighting cancer for a few years, and the sheer exhaustion of it showed in her face.
For a while, cocooned in her own little sanctuary, she rested, as we spoke a little and laughed sometimes. That dark humour in death that makes the day bearable. Then the nurses would come in and she would tell them about these two, dad and I, buzzing the room like a couple of blue ass fleas. Her humorous personality shining right through.
We were kept busy, but it never felt like there was much to do at all. Just be there. It was all that was really needed.
Then a visitor would arrive and a flurry of activity would begin. Mum’s eyes would open and she would appear to be listening intently. But she was in her own little bubble now. I knew she’d be finding it hard to hear and difficult to follow, as she was at the stage of active dying where her hearing was decreasing, her strength diminishing, and her sense of smell becoming much more sensitive.
In fact, I remember one day mum smelled cigarette smoke from nowhere and was instantly transported back 60 years. Retelling stories of her cookie aunt Nina, and having us all in stitches again.
It didn’t happen all the time, but there were times when my heart would rip open and I could feel the love that was pouring into her and from her and it reminded me of how much I was actually going to lose and how much I was going to miss her. Sad but beautiful moments and amongst it always the feeling that it was an honour to be there and to witness my parents’ love as they gently let go of each other. In a lifetime of memories, they were an inspiration.
Many dying people want to know where they’re going. The comfort of having somewhere to visualise can really help the mind to let go.
I try to help mum visualise her own special place for the in-between, based on a beautiful memory of blue bell woods that she’d many times retold over the years. But she had her own idea of where she should go.
We knew what was happening. We felt prepared. But nothing can ever prepare you for the utter devastation you feel or the long-lasting feeling of despondency.
I entered an existential crisis, examining my own mortality. What does it matter? What am I even here for?
Every time I would ask those questions a picture always came into my mind. The picture I painted earlier of love and connection, of families and natural processes. I had to make it happen. I had to step up my game. I had to find something more meaningful to do with the rest of my life, or what was the point in it?
I started formulating a plan to put my skills as a soul midwife to better use so even more families could experience the beauty of this stage of life that we had. A project that began in Inverclyde that I’d heard about a while before kept coming into my mind. It felt right. It felt like the light at the end of the tunnel that I’d been waiting for. And I began to think that my life could feel worthwhile again.
Having eventually clambered out of my own deep dark hole, I felt I could help others out of theirs. So the charity “No One Dies Alone Ayrshire” began in 2018 and we received charitable status in 2019. We’re a team of trained, compassionate and dedicated volunteers and we work throughout Ayrshire sitting with people who are dying and also supporting those with families, helping them feel less alone. Helping them to have a beautiful death, just like mum.
”
Linda shared her story as part of the Digital Storytelling project. Macmillan’s Digital Storytelling workshops support people affected by cancer to tell their stories in their own words. Do you think you might find support from attending workshops with other people and sharing your story as a video? If you’d like to get involved, you can find out more about it on Macmillan’s webpage about the Digital Storytelling project.
If you are supporting a loved one at end of life, Macmillan has lots of help and support on our website. We also have further information if your loved one is dying. You might also find it helpful to talk to other people supporting their loved ones in our “Family and friends” group or “Supporting someone with incurable cancer” group.
If you’ve lost a loved one, here on the Community we have groups where you can talk to other people who understand how you feel. Our “Bereaved partners and spouses” group, and the “Bereaved Family and friends” group are here for you to find support.
We’d like to thank Linda for sharing her story with us. It’s important to feel supported yourself while you are supporting your loved one through end of life. Everyone’s relationship and experience at end of life can be different. It’s important to feel that you have the support you need for you and your loved one’s individual needs. Macmillan are here to help, alongside other charities and local organisations like Linda’s charity, No One Dies Alone Ayrshire. If you need help finding the right type of support for you, please remember you can contact Macmillan’s Support Line every day between 8am – 8pm. Our support specialists are available on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat.
Read more about dying, death, grief, loss and bereavement:
Read more from the Digital Storytelling project:
