Funerals can be difficult in lots of ways. It can be easy to feel isolated or overwhelmed if you are planning a funeral. It can also be hard to cope with feeling excluded from a funeral or the planning process. While for some people, funerals are a helpful way to find closure and say goodbye, this might not be true for everyone. In today’s blog, we are going to talk through support options from Macmillan and reassurance from the Online Community that you are not on your own. It’s natural to feel lots of different emotions around a funeral, and the Online Community is here to help.
All of the quotes we’re featuring are from our “Bereaved spouses and partners” group and our “Bereaved family and friends” group. These groups are safe spaces to find support and talk about your experiences with other people who know how you feel.
“I still have the funeral to get through and I have no idea if what I have put in place would be what he wants.”
Community member, “Bereaved spouses and partners” group
Planning the funeral can be stressful. You may be struggling to cope with your own grief. You may also feel worried about what your loved one may have wanted. It can sometimes be difficult to know where to start.
Macmillan has information on how to plan a funeral for someone. Macmillan also has information on what you may also need to do when someone dies.
If you need to talk, Macmillan’s Support Line is available. You can contact the Support Line 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00, live webchat or email.
If you are concerned about your own funeral or would like to put a plan in place, Macmillan have information on funeral planning in advance. Macmillan also has information on writing a will.
People may be interested in planning their funeral in advance and writing a will for many different reasons. If you are interested in putting plans in place because you have an incurable cancer diagnosis, there’s lots of support available. You may find it helpful to join our “Living with incurable cancer – patients only” group on the Online Community. This is a place to find support and talk to other people with incurable cancer.
“I had so many Feelings in the first few weeks..... Angry (with EVERYONE) I was the only one to organise her funeral, so pressure, let down by family, abandoned, guilty, still feel guilty!!”
Community member, “Bereaved family and friends” group
You may feel a lot of pressure around funeral planning. It’s natural to feel you may be dreading the funeral of a family member or friend.
“The funeral is on Wednesday and I’m dreading it, seeing mums friends, having to say goodbye. Rationally I know I will get through it but irrationally, I don’t think I’ll be able to. “
Community member, “Bereaved family and friends” group
You may also experience family disagreements over funeral arrangements. It can be hard to cope with feeling left out of funeral arrangements. You may be not invited to a funeral you were expecting to go to. Or you may feel excluded from funeral planning.
It can feel difficult to know what to do if you feel excluded, or if you are having complicated emotions around other family members or friends who are involved in planning the funeral. Cruse Bereavement Care, a charity which specialise in bereavement, have a webpage on managing family conflict after someone dies.
Every situation can be different, but the Online Community shows that you are not alone in how you feel.
“Can't help getting upset over feeling left out of my dad's funeral arrangements as it is on Tuesday…All I want is to do something special for dad and feel left out with no support whilst my family is running around. Just feel so alone. “
Community member, “Bereaved family and friends” group
It may sometimes feel hard to balance your own needs and emotions with what you feel you should do. It can be easy to feel you may be disappointing someone, such as the person who has died. But it’s important to remember to look after your own wellbeing, especially during difficult times.
“His funeral is next week and i have decided not to see him in the chapel of rest. I feel masses amount of guilt for not going to see him but that wasn't him…I am trying to remember him when like his normal self.”
Community member, “Bereaved family and friends” group
Coping with grief and bereavement can look different for everyone. If you would find it helpful to have further specialist bereavement support, you may find it helpful to access At A Loss, who are a national UK bereavement charity. You can use their search feature to find local bereavement services close to you. They have a webpage on looking after yourself when you have been bereaved which might have some helpful guidance and support. This webpage includes details about Griefchat, which is their free online chat with a trained grief counsellor. It’s available Monday – Friday, 9am – 9pm.
“Personally i didn’t think my husbands funeral (2 weeks ago) was closure. I think closure comes with time once the grieving process kicks in. Every body grieves differently.”
Community member, “Bereaved spouses and partners” group
Planning and getting through a funeral can be really tough. It may really help to talk about how you feel. Our “Bereaved spouses and partners” group and our “Bereaved family and friends” group are here for you to find support and feel less alone. It’s natural that you may feel many complicated emotions, such as not wanting to go to the funeral. You aren’t alone if you feel excluded or left out of funeral planning. Macmillan and other support services are here to help. What helped you to get through a funeral? Let other members know or offer support in the comments below.
Read more about grief and bereavement:
Practical support and information for funeral arrangements:
