Lots of people are celebrating Valentine’s Day today as February 14th marks a day of celebrating love around the world.
In this Community News blog we will be exploring how cancer might affect love and intimate relationships. Whether you have been together for a long time, in a new relationship or considering dating, there is support available for you.
Some people find it helps to talk to other people who are in a similar situation. Members of the Community have been supporting one another with experiences of cancer, love and relationships.
When you or your loved one has been diagnosed with cancer, it can be a lot to cope with.
"It is like living in an alternate reality. Life is going on and we have to carry on and function as if everything is normal but at the same time we are dealing with something that feels so abnormal! It reminds of that awful feeling when you are travelling to the funeral of someone you were particularly close to and you look out of the car window and wonder how the world is still turning." Community member, breast cancer forum
Communicating with your partner when you have cancer
Cancer might put a strain on your relationships. Every relationship is different and people deal with things in their own way. It's important to talk things through and recognise that you will both be dealing with some really difficult feelings. The Community is a place where you can share your emotions and support one another.
“I’m at home so we’re spending a lot of time together which I’m grateful for, but I don’t want to spent the time we have left arguing.” Community member, family and friends forum
"I feel like our relationship has taken a battering from this and I just don’t know how we will cope when treatment really kicks in" Community member, oesophageal cancer forum
Communication can be really important to understand how your partner is thinking and feeling. Going through cancer together might be difficult, but some couples find that it makes your relationship stronger.
"My husband was my rock and he had lost his first wife through cancer and I felt really guilty putting him through it again and upsetting him but he needed to know how I felt to support me." Community member, anal cancer forum
"Staying honest with our loved ones, even if that means occasionally saying, 'I'm not really okay at the moment, thanks for asking. But I'm pretty sure I will be. I could use a hug!' or even 'I'm doing well overall, but sometimes it overwhelms me and I need to be on my own for a bit, so be patient with me if I'm not very communicative.' Or whatever your emotions dictate at the moment. It's how we get through this. Day by day, moment by moment." Community member, anal cancer forum
In addition to talking to each other, you might find it helpful to talk to a friend or family member. It might be even more helpful to be able to talk things out anonymously on the Online Community.
"“Hello all, just wanted to say hello and how pleased I was to find an LGBTIQ group on here. I've recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and am currently in the horrendous waiting stage whilst more tests are being done. Struggling emotionally but thankfully my wife is very supportive.” Community member, LGBTQ forum
When your loved one has cancer and relationships as a carer
The person with cancer might feel frightened, angry, guilty or lonely. You might also have some of these feelings.
"My wife is really positive and strong but tears are so near the surface. I feel I can’t show my own feelings and must be strong for her." Community member, glioblastoma multiforme brain tumour forum
"“I can’t imagine being here without him and am so scared to lose my soul mate. I never reach out but I’m scared... I thought it might help to talk to others like me.” Community member, LGBTQ+ forum
However you are feeling, there is lots of support available from people who understand what you are going through.
"Please don't carry guilt around with you anymore as I truly believe that people understand the changing roles we take on in caring for them and accept that love is still shown albeit in a different form" Community member, cancer chat forum
"Please don't apologise for expressing your feelings . This is the right space to rant/rave/vent or whatever you need to do. Everyone here understands and you don't need to explain" Community member, glioblastoma multiforme brain tumour forum
Cancer, sex and intimacy
You might be concerned about how the emotional impact of cancer will affect your relationship. If you’re in an intimate relationship, you might worry about how cancer treatment or side effects could affect your sex life. The Community is a online support group where you can share your feelings anonymously in a safe space.
Intimacy might mean different things depending on your relationship. It can mean holding hands, kissing and touching, not only full sexual intercourse.
"However, I am struggling as well and when I struggle or get upset or anything like that then I want affection, whether that’s hugs, holding hands, little kiss, anything like that really. She just seems to push me away, whether it’s not take my advice or physically push me away when I try and comfort her, at the moment it feels like we are friends, sometimes not even that. I do not want this to break us but it feel that is going that way and there’s nothing I can do to change it because she doesn’t want my support, I’ve tried to be really romantic and tried to have a bit of us time… but if anything I do she doesn’t want. It’s really upsetting me now and I need some help and advice please" Community member, emotional support forum
This member came to the Online Community with a positive message about meeting a new partner and sex drive after cancer.
“It is possible to remain sexual after breast cancer. It is possible to be desirable after mastectomy without reconstruction (possible with also). It is possible to find playful pleasurable ways to have sex and intimacy after breast cancer.“ Community member, breast cancer forum
We're here to talk about your worries too. Your or your partner’s body image and self esteem might be affected by a cancer diagnosis. If you have sexual intimacy in your relationship, you might be concerned about physical changes to your body. Lots of members in the Online Community have been talking about vaginal dryness and erectile dysfunction and other issues that might affect your sexual desire or sexual function.
"Having read the information sheets about Zoladex, I understand that recovery from the loss of libido & ED can be slow & possibly no recovery. Prior to the PCa diagnosis, my partner & I had a very healthy sex life & despite it "not being everything", it was an important part of our lives & I am (we are) increasingly worried it may now be over." Community member, prostate cancer forum
"I seem to have many of the reported side effects of letrazole, but one of the main ones is vaginal dryness. Sex has become unbearable...I really miss the intimacy with my husband and I feel I am too young to say goodbye to that side of our relationship. My husband has been amazing and there has been no pressure from him." Community member, Ask a Nurse
In addition to talking to other members, you can also find support from Macmillan on the Community in our 'Ask an Expert' sessions. If you would like to read the full question about vaginal dryness and read the response from nurse Rachel, you can click on the link at the end of the quote above. There's a link to the original post at the end of each quote in this blog.
Body image and cancer
Even if you're not experiencing any sexual issues, cancer and the effects of treatment might change the way you feel about yourself. Your self-esteem and general well-being might affect your relationships.
“I totally struggle with the person I see in the mirror. I find it hard to look at old photos, or wanting to be in new photos, because it's hard to see what I've "become". At the same time, who gives a crap what I look like besides me? Not my family, they're just glad I'm here! Ditto for my partner. And I don't want to deprive them of any memories of me, after I'm gone, because of my self-consciousness.” Community member, living with incurable cancer forum
Dating, new relationships and cancer
Whether you have had cancer or been bereaved by cancer, you might consider how this will affect future relationships.
"I joined a dating website and recently met a really nice man. Before i had discussed my health he told me he had spent a few months last year looking after a friend with cancer. So I told him about my situation and he is more than happy to spend time with me, is very kind and thinks a lot of me. So I am very touched and happy about it. There are indeed some decent kind men out there like some of you said! And I can be lovable, including my cancer not despite it." Community member, living with incurable cancer forum
For some people, it can be all about working on re-connecting to your self and getting used to your new normal.
“I'm working in my spiritual connection. I aim to dance in Brighton Pride in the Parade again. It was my first time last year. Embrace the new, just get through the treatment first and slowly emerge like butterfly.” Community member, breast cancer forum
Whatever your experience, there is support available in the Community for whatever you might be going through.
Found this blog helpful? Why not read the following:
There's lots of support to be had by connecting with others who share a similar experience. Why not share what is worrying you by posting in our Community groups. There's no judgment here and remember, the Community is an embarrassment free zone.
Looking for more information and support around cancer and relationships from Macmillan? Please find links to some of our popular webpages below:
