On being overweight

Thanks for all these thoughts Elliekate, Moi2, annandv and roni2008. I'm learning things... I knew immunotherapy wasn't for the faint hearted but I didn't know it could cause diabetes, that is really tough. Also it's moving hearing your stories of being left unable to exercise by this horrid disease. And thanks for the comments about trying to lose weight...It is good to hear the experiences of others with cancer, I feel that the idea of slimming down a bit for the first time with cancer or at least trying to isn't a completely unknown country now. Which is reassuring because I have at times felt that I just don't know what to expect of my body any more,and that feels like being out of control.

I did well today, I stepped AWAY from the bargain bucket irresistible brownies at our local convenience supermarket and declined CAKE when I met up with my soon to be ex colleagues, I'm not sure what became of me really. I am not expecting to be polishing my halo any time soon mind you but it's a day of self control in the bag.

Mrs Sarah49 said well done and that it's hard watching me stuff in the chocolate when I myself have said I need to be as well as I can be to give me the best chance of living well for longer and having more treatment options...she loves me and doesn't like to see me behaving self destructively as it upsets her but she's never,ever uttered a word of criticism to me about it,lets me get on with doing what I need to do,she gets that I can't always be good, I am very lucky.

Well apart from having effing cancer that is. 

Hi ALL, It does make you feel good if you manage to get through the day without eating what you know you shouldn't!

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself if all you had was a mini aero! I had an ealderly aunt who used to buy Malteezers for anyone on a diet. She was in her late 80's and believed the advert "the chocolates with the less fattening centre"! My husband took to chocolate when he stopped smoking. The first 6 months he put on a bit of weight but the next six months it came off again without him even trying. We have cupboards full of chocy biscuits. I told him to put them up high  the cupboard to where I can't reach them and if I want one, he has to get it down for me! It is working, so far but just knowing they are up there shouting on me is a real test! Good luck to all!

Hey my lovely new friend Sarah!

I've been the exact same - eating my feelings, and of course the steroids I'm on and lack of mobility due to where my tumours are aren't helping!

Totally understand the "I'm stuffed anyway so who cares" thoughts that have been running through your head - these are dominating my thoughts too!

I guess I'm trying to look at it like this: what do I need right now? What are the consequences of me doing this thing right now, and later down the track? For example, if I am really craving a pizza, heck yeah I'm going to have it! But if I could eat something a little "better", with more veggies and protein, perhaps I do that as I know I feel more mentally and physically well when I'm eating more balanced meals overall. Or even if I substitute with a "healthier" pizza, made of pita bread with mainly veggie toppings (still lots of cheese though!), will that satisfy the craving while also fueling my body so I feel a little more rejuvenated?

I totally struggle with the person I see in the mirror. I find it hard to look at old photos, or wanting to be in new photos, because it's hard to see what I've "become". At the same time, who gives a crap what I look like besides me? Not my family, they're just glad I'm here! Ditto for my partner. And I don't want to deprive them of any memories of me, after I'm gone, because of my self-consciousness.

I'm not sure that this reply is even slightly cohesive, but I guess what I'm saying is I hear you, and I can relate to what you're going through deeply.

All my love, 

MM

Hi Sarah,

I'm currently struggling with my weight so I know how you feel. I'm trying to watch what I eat but then have moments of what's the point. I'd gone through the menopause but had a hysterectomy as part of my surgical treatment so am getting hot flushes again. I had a recent health check at the GP surgery and apparently my cholesterol has doubled to 7.9.  I don't know why but they think it's due to chemo. So I don't know if these things are making me gain weight. I feel very disheartened at the minute as I did 4 walks last week at a not bad pace and I'd still put a pound on!  I used to run for fitness but can't now due to leg weakness after radio to pelvic bone mets. 

I hear you Sarah, it's all very frustrating. I don't like my body image but compared to what I've lost because of cancer - job, career, car, health, long life, my weight seems trivial,.....but it still matters to me.

A x

Aw what a lovely message with sweet words Mementomori,  though it's a sad message too of course. I agree, looks are only surface deep on the one hand, but how our bodies look and feel is more complex and more affecting than just the surface isn't it? I try to see my body as a warrior that's been through battles and has the scars to show for it, but it's not always easy to feel proud.

When my hair fell out I tried a wig but people commented on it so much more than they commented on my crazy almost bald mad scientist look that I felt more self conscious in a wig than not. How ironic is that! So I just went commando except for a scarf on days when I just didn't want to see myself like that. Sometimes it was just too painful to look in the mirror. And not because I was ashamed or embarrassed, but because I was seeing myself devastated.

Oh gosh sistermoon, that's another thing isn't it, the mischief of menopause, and I am currently 'enjoying' a free one courtesy of the NHS. I'm putting off getting my GP to look into my blood pressure which I'm sure is too high and they do say menopause makes weight control harder, don't they?  Let alone the various effects of all out tablets. I also hear what you say about body image being a lesser evil than many. When I was told to anticipate hair loss prior to chemo I was so sick and the other side effects were so horrific that I just suddenly felt hair loss was unimportant...compared to being dead. I still believe that bus I'm not pretending it wasn't distressing.

I could have written your post.

I too have recently spent a really destructive couple of weeks of eating everything in sight , and some.  Loads of sugar, which isn't good.

I conveniently blamed the steroids but I think a lot of it was down to me.

I think with me, I've spent SO  many months trying to be careful, mainly because the immunotherapy has wreaked havoc with my blood tests.

Thyroid playing up? Cut down on this.

Liver playing up? Cut down on that 

Pre diabetes? Cut the carbs.

Steroids? Cut out salt.  And so on and so on. Constantly being careful about everything, for months on end.

And sometimes it makes no difference!   As one fire is put out, another starts.  And so it continues.

One day I'd had enough and went on a two week eating binge that would put Augustus Gloop to shame.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.   Cancer is sh** and its a wonder we don't cave more often.

X 

You put all that brilliantly Harebelle.

I realised today among many other things there has been a self sabotaging element and, - warning I am about to say something which could be a trigger for some, a self harming element for me. Why? Well it sounds f*cked up, doesn't it, but in fact it's been a (costly) coping mechanism and it's about making tangible the physical and emotional feelings inside that things are NOT OK n my world. (I have been finding support to deal with this and anyone having the same thoughts may need to reach out too, not least to Macmillan). Anyway. 

Who knew but I may have a partial excuse for my weight gain (only partial, I didn't imagine the cakes). My liver function has been going off...who knew...for a couple of months . Which may explain some of my 'padding', and also my tiredness, auburn poo and general malaise. I had been stable since May, so this is a downer :-(. And I'm standing on the edge of a precipice all of a sudden as liver failure is public enemy no.1 in terms of my likely and possibly swift demise.

Scan on the 13th Feb.

And ps I totally get what you say about not being able to be careful all the time. 

Xxx