Hi - up front intro

Came on the forum at the time of my diagnosis but decided that I’d rather just deal with what was happening and keep my field of vision very narrow . Realising now that sharing experiences with othered is likely a good idea and also that there might be a lot of mutual support going on out there . I don’t talk much to people round about me in my day to day community ( about prostate cancer) . There’s a big assumption that we all just get some treatment and like manic it’s cured ! I’ve met a couple of guys going through it two - with outward quiet dignity.

Frankly it’s the hardest thing I’ve faced . Diagnosed last year at 56 with locally advanced PSA 150 , Gleason 4+3. I was shocked . I was very fit , sexually active ( just out of a situationship) , part time dad . The diagnosis dragged on for weeks . My GP gave me the impression I was screwed.The urologist who examined me after a 5 hour wait gave me : minutes to perform a recital exam and tell me I had prostate cancer let’s get you on some hormones .I told the specialist nurse as I waited for my biopsy that I was terrified at the prospect of ADT . She agreed it was truly awful. All the way just blunt hard facts . The technician who performed the bone scan was the first real human kindness in the whole process  - after the scan she said I looked worried . I am I replied . You don’t need to be so worried . Code for the bone scan is good. With scans and biopsies complete I have locally advanced high risk cancer with seminal vesicle invasion .
things improved from there . I’m being treated at the Beatson in Glasgow . My oncologist is great and brings real kindness to her work . She referred me to Prehab to Rehab at the Beatson . I have been in regular contact with Ludo who works with guys like us on fitness , diet and provides excellent counselling support. 
Im on the ‘gold standard ‘ treatment protocol of 3 years ADT with Aberaterone for 2 years and radiotherapy soon to start. 

Ive researched the hell out of it . I conclude it’s anyone’s guess whether this is curable bug there’s a chance, Statistics are not helpful . I hope it is so live my life that way . I have got very serious about diet / low carb , zero sugar , plenty protein , olive oil etc . I walk a lot and gym at least 3 times a week - kettlebell and functional body weight training and some weights . 6 months in and I am lean , built a little muscle , look just fine . I’m on my own when I dont have the kids which means I can excercise and control exactly what’s in the larder . But it’s a lonely place when the tears come ( and they seem to often ) . I don’t think it’s self pity . More that I’m mourning the loss of my male drive and don’t know what the future holds combined with brain chemistry interference .  Maybe as well no one sees that . Sexually it’s a strange place . There’s much conversation about partners etc . Being single is another matter . I hope that the treatment works and I get off the hormones . I’d thought I’d find love again and sex would be an important part of that . I still hope but not with any certainty. It’s fairly demoralising doing purely functional ‘penis maintaince’. I take tadanafil to keep the blood vessels working and masturbate when I can bring myself to try . I can get a decent erection and orgasm - totally dry . So far I look the same down there and really hope I can keep it that way . Lost some body hair , not worried about that . Beard still intact . It’s funny , my balls seemed to shrink alarmingly when stated the hormones . Either they spring back or I got used to them being smaller - can’t decide which .

i decided it’s best to break it down a bit . Try and keep in good shape and wait out the treatment . Then take it from there …..

Much love to all out there going through this .