New Here Emotional Mess please help!

Good morning Hope James, my husband was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer in March 2024,it is very frightening and stressful when you hear the words cancer. Please  click on my name and see our journey, at the moment my husband is well and coping with the treatment,there is so much out there they can do now.

All the best to you and your Dad

Hello Hope James,

welcome to the place where you have started to open up and where we are here to help and support you and your dad.

Firstly don’t panic. Prostate cancer like I have at stage 4 is incurable but in the last 3 years I’ve learned to accept the fact that it’s not likely to kill me. I will die with it.

i want to say more and will say more but I want you to get this and I’d like you to try and eat a breakfast while I reply a bit more. I’m eating some crunchy nut and you should try and eat with your kids.

Please note there are loads of people here that will help you and your dad, and don’t ever feel alone.

dont feel silly for crying or being worried. It’s natural and you are brave to say what you have already.

please relax and we on the forum will give you some great advice. I’ll be back soon.

Good morning Hope James35ef76 , sorry to find you here and please keep using this forum moving forward.....have a read of my profile, my partner has advanced metastatic prostate cancer......also try and link in with your local Maggies centre if there is one. Just use this forum to ask questions, vent off some thoughts and feelings, anything at all, you are certainly not alone. 

All the very best to you and dad

There are many things this forum will help you with as you walk this path with your Dad.

Lets start with the meeting.

Go with your Dad or have someone go with him. Take along questions you have written into a note pad. Use the pad to write the answers down and stop or slow down the clinical experts to get them to explain again what you don’t understand. It’s your (your Dads) meeting so take it slowly and get as much from it as possible.

its there at that meeting you will learn any treatment plan. So ask away and have it explained.

HT is the first step and is an incredibly powerful treatment which should put to sleep the cancer.

Lets talk about you.

This is an anonymous platform so you can (within reason) say what’s ever on your mind. We are all made of the same stuff and all cry. We all have the same shock, the same worries, the same thoughts about what cancer is. So there’s plenty of people like you on this forum that is asking for help and getting advice to allow you to help yourself.

Theres a member called Millibob (Brian) he’s a MacMillan Champion and is a mind of info and assistance. He will help in any way he can.

Your sleeping and your eating is a nightmare at the moment but hopefully you will get some so you can look after your kids. You will eat when you’re hungry but I’d say you may well be best to talk to your GP. Talking therapies via the GP or Hospital or hospice can get you and your Dad some meaningful time with counselling that will help you both.

There are places like Maggies clubs that allow you to meet up with people like you and helpers that care and give advice.

The panic you have right now will ease back a few notches when you have more information about any treatment plan and cancer staging details. This information gives you (and us if you tell us ) what the cancer is doing and done. The more information the more you can start to determine what and how to proceed, and how to care for each other.

Cry all you like but your kids will pick upon the slightest emotions you show but it’s up you how to deal with that. There is literature and probably phone help that might help you decide what to do and how to do it.

I hope you get some comfort from the forum right now because you mustn’t despair. You will become more able to cope but this is a hard time for you.

Keep updating us on how you’re getting on.

Hello Hope James35ef76 

A warm welcome to the group although I am so sorry to find you here - this is a safe place to let your feelings go and be open about your feelings and dad's cancer diagnosis. Let me break down my reply into segments:

* Telling your children - this is hard and they sometimes understand more than you realise. Here's a link to our guide:

Talking to your children.

It's a good idea to let school know what's happening too.

* Dad - He's a normal man, proud and stubborn. We all are and at first unwilling to admit anything is wrong and "we will be fine" attitude. Don't knock him for it - but now's the time he needs the support - we can help with that.

He's got prostate cancer - it's not curable BUT treatable and that's the bit you both need to remember. we have Community members on here living with cancer for 10 plus years (I am almost at year 4) and that new treatments are coming on in leaps and bounds.

The Bicalutamide is already working to stop the cancer in it's tracks and I am sure at the Oncology meeting on Wednesday they will have a treatment plan put together for him.

* Wednesday's meeting. He needs someone to go with him to this to both ask questions and take notes. Here's a link to a list of questions - make a list of those specific to dad that need to be asked;

Questions-to-ask-your-healthcare-team.

* You. You need to look after yourself too and make time for yourself and your family - our Support Line is there for you on 0808 808 00 00 (8am to 8pm 7 days a week). Do give them a ring they can offer both you and the family extra support.

* "Maggie's"  - Mr U mentioned these. This is a cancer support charity where you and/or dad can pop in and have a brew and a chat - here's a link to find your local "Maggie's", If your local hospital has a Macmillan centre call in their too - they can support you both.

The diagnostic/testing process is the hardest part of a cancer journey - once dad get's a treatment plan life will settle down to the "new normal".

I hope the above helps - if I can do anything for you and your family do please get back to me.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hello Hope James, I'm very sorry to hear about your father's condition.

It's good that he has an appointment as early as Wednesday which will reduce the time worrying. In the meantime it's important to bear in mind that there are many treatments available for advanced prostate cancer and those of us with it can usually expect to live for many years yet. 

You've used the dreaded words palliative care, but it's is widely misunderstood. Most take it to mean it's only given to dying patients but this is far from the case and it's used for anyone who has a "chronic condition that interferes with their quality of life" and is intended to improve this. It can continue for many years.

I started palliative care early last year when my prostate cancer recurred. I had more treatment and have now recovered from that and am now on indefinite drug treatment to keep things stable. I am well, can travel quite extensively and have a great quality of life. My consultant expects me to live for years yet and I fully intend to prove him right.

We can't avoid being scared when first diagnosed and it is indeed very frightening, but do try to hold on for next Wednesday when I'm sure many of your fears will be removed.

Derek.

Hi Hope James35ef76 this is a horrible time in any cancer journey but at least he is getting some results soon.  We all go through the same stage and it is horrible.  I do wish that medics wouldn’t use ‘palliative’ without giving the correct meaning as Mr U mentioned.  I wrote a little post earlier this year, which some have found useful -

The end - straight to palliative care! .

You mentioned that your father was not eating and had bruises.  Personally I haven’t heard either of these be associated with PCa so I would strongly suggest he mentions these at Wednesdays meeting and explain they were before HT started.

Please come back if you have any questions before or after Wednesday.