So sad and scared

Hi Puffin81, I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling. I’m not quite in the same place as you, but have stage IV currently responding to treatment, but of course no guarantees that it will continue to do so. What I can relate to is your feeling of wanting to make the most of life, but unable to move past the fear of what might be to come.  This forum is great for support, but I’ve also been put in touch with counselling via my nurses, which I hope will help me with perspective and help me manage my fears for the future and get on with enjoying life.  Have you spoken to Macmillan or your nurses? There is support out there.

wishing you every luck with this xx

Thank you for getting back to me.  I’m so glad to hear that you are responding to treatment.  I’ve been speaking to a councillor right through my treatment and was doing really well especially after my halfway through chemo scan. I was told the cancer had gone off the ct scan. I was so positive. 3 more rounds later and a pet ct scan to show finer detail. It is still there a little. It’s hit me hard and I feel like I’m back at square 1.

Wishing you luck too x

My kids are 19 and 17 and I’m still far from ready to leave them! The shadow of death is always there - I love camping with the younger one and although we obviously can’t go properly at the moment, we put the tent up in the garden a couple of weeks ago while it was sleeting so they could do a winter camp in the snow! Really good fun, but a corner of my mind was thinking ‘this will hopefully be a good memory for them when I’m not still here’

I think it’s all made harder by the pandemic. We want to be doing things and making the most we can but are just marking time at the moment until it’s safe to be out and about again. So frustrating 

Hi Puffin81 I can really relate to how you are feeling. I had a recurrence after 18 months and now after further chemo and another 15 months my CA125 is slowly increasing and is now above the ‘normal’ range so I know that I will need chemo again. My son was just turning 17 when I was first diagnosed and still at school. My main worry was for him and that I didn’t want to leave him. He has coped really well and we have created some great memories that he will always remember and hopefully smile about when I am gone.  Even though I am likely to have further chemo in the next few months I have booked another dream holiday for a years time and I am determined that my son and I will go. In the mean time although he is obviously not wanting to hang round with me  all the time, we do spend quality time together and have enjoyed spending  more time together in lockdown. Having the knowledge that I will never be cured is hard but I’m trying to do things I really want to do rather than fitting in around or doing what other people want. I’ve also cut some people out of my life  who were emotional drains, I figure that I don’t want to a waste time propping up people who make me stressed or unhappy. My time is more precious than ever and at every opportunity I do what I want and spend time with people I love x