My gramps’ diagnosis

I’ve joined this group to sort of vent my upset somewhere. I’ve always been incredibly close with my grandad-he calls me polly doodles-and I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that we don’t spend time together or talk. My earliest memories are outings with him, doing his little jobs around the house, out with him and my nan in the car and getting fish and chips! So hearing his diagnosis in October of terminal meso cancer was absolutely heartbreaking. The diagnosis was about 2 weeks prior to his 80th birthday, and despite the pandemic, at the time we were able to have a safe dinner out as a family. Post hearing the news, I cried continuously for about 3 days. I still can’t fathom why it’s happening to someone so close to my heart. His cancer has developed and he’s been in and out of hospital more times than I can count, and is now on so much morphine he sleeps for the majority of the day. I want to make his last weeks as full of joy as they can be, but with the limitations of covid I would never want to put his life in jeopardy or break the rules. I’m feeling lost as I essentially wait for him to pass away. I currently feel I have no way of ‘being’ or living without him, it doesn’t seem real at all. Things have felt meaningless. I’m an A Level student and potentially facing more exams after the U-turns and indecision’s during the time when he’s either going to be fatally ill, or I will be grieving. I don’t think I could put myself through the added stress of exams as I grieve. Reading other’s stories and the widespread consequences of asbestos exposure is tragic to say the least, but I’m grateful that I now have a platform to share in other’s experiences and feel the comfort in knowing I’m not alone.