Honestly dont know whats going to happen

While I was on my 4 days respite, which turned into 4 days of worrying hell, I just dont know whats going to happen.

I managed to speak a nurse when I got home todsy, who said husbands lucky to be alive, as he let himself become so ill with bowel/sickness issues, was severly dehydrated, low calcium, low pottasium, low everything but infection. She said he was very sick on admittance to urgent care marsden & they worked really hard to get his bloodworks ok.

 I am so angry not only did I leave all numbers for Marsden hotline etc this could have all been avoided, but he just thought " it would go away". Nurse as asked us he safe to be left alone & I said after this, no. But he hides things from me, so he knew he was becoming unwell before I left.

He saw a radiotherapy doc today no idea why, husband ssys needs 5 x 15 min sessions on lilac bone met I presume, no idea if its grown or theres more, husband dont know & I cant find anyone to ask.

Because of bowel niw needs a sidmoudoscopy in Chelsea ( not Sutton) to check inside of bowel after the adverse reaction to keytruda that ended in August.

Dont know if hes well enough for chemo next week or can tolerate it now with damage down. No idea of any scsn results, marsden apps useless only gives bloods.

No idea if more bone spread literally nothing. All I did was go away forc4 days respite & come back to a confusing hell, appointments left right & centre, all different units dates etc

But I'm more worried about chemo being stopped because of the way he left himself to deteriorate, kniwing I'd gone away & he was fine or so I thought.

So I can no longer cope with this & have decided I need help. 

For a nurse to say hes caused damage which could been treated quickly with one call, instead of hoping it would pass & she doesnt think he mentally stable & could have died.

So if all this damage is that bad, is chemo stopped forever? I tried my hardest to speak to a doctor today but couldnt the weight loss since last Saturday when I left late till now us horrific. I just think hes blown his chances with treatment through pure stupidity ( I know hes scared) but unless he fights this he just may as well give up. 

Theres about 16 appointments no idea what for, I have arrange transport, I cant understand this stupid app thing, I dont MRI spine & pelvic results, i literally dont know anything of whats going on.

So whether hes blown his chances with chemo I dont know, as it should be next week. But hes blood works are all over the place & dont know whatv5 x sessions of radiotherapys for, I asked husband he thinks doc said " a cluster" in pelvic area? I was always told one bone met in L5 spine & one on lilac bone. But I cannot find on bloody letter or explanation from those scans & my husband is useless with doctors. So I'm insisting on call with a doctor to explain whatvon earths happened, is there further spread & as he ruined his chances of chemo.

His fear is ring hospital & die in there, instead of ringing to say I have new side affects I need help.

I am so angry, 10 months if hell I take 4 days just to recharge & spent 4 days waiting on docs calling etc so I feel worse now than I did Saturday. But I cant deal with him alone, I'm not well enough or strong enough. How stupid is a man to almost die instead of picking up a phone!

So if chemos a no go, keytruda didnt work, I dont know what will happen. 

I've just about had it with him, poxy cancer, treatments, chasing doctors. This is no life....I should never have gone anywhere, but was desperate for a break exhausted with him & my own health & feel a 1000 times worse.

Does this happen when people like my husband lay & rot in bed feeling ill & using the loo 20/30 times per day deteriorate to the point of urgent for 4 days, no idea where radiotherapy as come from, a sigmoidoscopy & umpteen other appointments I literally no nothing about & find the marsden app a total waste of time. I just want a doctor to explain whats what & a person to give me a verbal list of all appointments & what they are for.

I just wish they would keep him in the Marsden & sort out whats wrong so as I dont have this 7 day per wk 24 hrsxa day not being able to go anywhere as he hasnt the mentality to see the damage hus done.

I feel like walking away now enough is enough.

Sorry if that sounds selfish but he cant do anything for himself, hes reliant upon me, he even lost his bank card & waited for me to sort it, 6 times this year! So I'm keeping the card now, its like looking after a child! And as for him getting away, thats scrapped....I just dont know what damage hes done & ruined his chemo chance..