Honestly dont know whats going to happen

 Tillyboo  it is obvious you are both struggling right now. Have you called the MacMillan support line 0808 808 00 00. 

He wont talk to anyone & when he as done in past lies days hes fine.

Macmillan told me to see my GP diagnosed with PTSD related to cancer events from my past which as caused this problem for me.

I spoke to his onco this morn & she explained no cancer growth nor spread, radiitherapy being done on hip as it was only ever done on spine, which again I didnt know & he dont take things in.

I explained to onco I'm exhausted ill, need surgery & cant carry with him unable to cope with cancer, so he needs to pay for someone to take over from me before I collapse from sheer exhaustion. Hes always relied on me for everything. So 6 times this year as lost bank card & 6 times I have to reorder it, as he dont do phones & when card comes I'm keeping it as my patience as worn thin.

To allow himself to become so ill when all he had to do was ring the hotline!

Tuesday is radiotherapy meeting & CT markings to then start treatment following week & onco will ring to see how he is & whether chemo will go ahead next week as planned or delayed due to the colitis event. Should he have chemo & as adverse reactions with bowel he can go into hospital & stay there, as I've had enough. Sorry to sound harsh but, I'm ill tired mentally/physically exhausted, I need major surgery, which as been postponed because of him & also waiting on a spinal/nerve MRI as my hands keep going numb & losing grip.

So someone needs to take over from me, I'm done. I literally have no help & he doesnt help himself. But eating normal, more I am, dont know the last time I ate days ago & really dont care TBH I just done with cancer

Hi I can see your struggling as im sure your husband is too, I find this heartbreaking to read as he didnt ask to have cancer, I looked after my husband, he was diagnosedmin 2014 and I almost lost him 2 months later due to sepsis, He was a very proud man, we thank God.we got 7 years more than we should have with him, even that wasnt long enough. Reach out for.support, even ask family, friends. Talk to your husband about how he is.also.feeling, its not as simple.as stupidity that made him.worse, We've all.been guilty of thinking things will pass when we're not 100%

We have zero support. I've lost 18 members of my family to cancer, most of which I cared for. 

I know nobody wants cancer its a cruel evil disease. But I'm at my lowest ill trying to cope with all of this alone, before my husbands cancer he had a stroke in 2018 & looked after him throughout, again alone..

My husband will not accept outside help or talk to anyone, he tells mental health/psychologists hes fine, when I know hes not coping.

So now the colitis as settled hrs on prednislone eating well going out, albeit in a mobility scooter. But he needs to go out as in a restaurant, he wants a holiday. All this we are discussing. He thinks hes going to die & wont see xmas or get a chance to go overseas again. I tell him he will go away & see xmas, hes just having a down day & sitting in a flat 24/7 doesnt help mentally.

Aplogies if my post came across as harsh, but the exhaustion & the way I feel mentally I'm on my knees trying to do my best.

We just dont have family & only friends are miles away who call but too far to visit.

I will have to pull myself together & get my energy back & cope carry on as I have done for years.

Awww so sad on my down days feeling sorry for myself I haven't lost as many relatives but I lost my nephew who was 8 my mum 62 and my brother 54 and my partner 52 but I know their is people out their who is worse off and like you say my version of cancer it's a bastard my cancer is inoperable but on meds to slow down so I have a bit longer with my family I have one daughter who I no doubt drive her up the wall I hate to think what she calls me when she's at home lol lol and I don't blame her if she did I don't think she would when I mess up I carnt say am sorry enough to her and she reply mum it's fine you never asked for this as unfair as it is it is what it is at the end she always adds don't give up mum I do feel guilty her having me to look after she has two boys and works 12hr shift week in a home for dementia am very proud of her but it is very hard for the person who has the cancer you are a very strong caring person wish their was more like yourself xxx

Oh bless you. Cancer doesnt affect the person, but the whole family. I dont have many family left now sadly, I'm 61 & lost nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, my sister & Mum.

I think when I wrote original message above I was really struggling, with everything & just blurted everything out, which came across as sounding selfish & uncaring.

My husbands was found purely by fluke in January 2025, a chest x ray for some related to his post stroke yearly blood reviews. And a 5cm right lung mass was found, 2 bone mets one in L5 spine & one in the iliac bone in hip & a tiny one in brain. He was lucky ( for want of a better word) that he qualified for the STRIKE trial at the Marsden. So cyberknife to brain met as killed that. He was on keytruda which worked to start, lymph nodes shrunk in lung & lung mass & bone mets stable. Then in August the scans showed lung mass growing slightly, no further spread or growths anywhere & brain still ok. It was decided to change to chemo carbaplatin/premexted, which he had one infusion & was perfect. He also as Zometa for bones. His is inoperable & incurable but treatable

But it was just very bad luck this keytruda late adverse reaction caused a bad colitis episode.

So tomoz back in Marsden re starting radiotherapy on iliac bone met & bloods to see if chemo can go ahead on Friday.

Its all been purely bad luck, even the oncologist said the same. But all this had to happpen when I was away. But I still sorted it from there & getting him into urgent care at Marsden.

Today he just got tearful as wants a holiday as he thinks it will be his last one etc and I managed to talk him down from panic & feeling like this, he seems ok now.

This as been such an awful year, as my sisters hubby died in Feb so grief is everywhere & trying to help her as well. I just think I'm tired & a bit run down, but I'm sure all will be ok.

So tomoz I'm asking onco can hubby haveca holiday at some point this year, as I'm sure it will make him feel so much better mentally/physically to wake up to sun & sea.

I wish you all the best, take care x

That sounds good sun everyday it deos help mentally I do hope everything geos well from now on love be thinking of you both xx

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this I hope everything goes well with the oncologist today I am sure you will get away at some point we have an appointment with the clinical trial team tomorrow to discuss the possibility of going on the trial but having read all the details some of the side effects sound horrific we shall have to see or go with the Docetaxel and Nintinabib route  I have my down days too I am 69 so am looking after the house and garden fortunately my husband is very pragmatic about having been through cancer twice before once with my Breast cancer and once 4 years ago for himself NHL 

Had bloods today. Starts radiotherapy on bone Monday for five days. Oncologist rung & said all bloods good, but no chance of getting away even November. Hes weaning off prednislone, this weeks chemo canx due to the weaning. Shes calling next week to see how things are. Currently hes fine, his walking is brilliant, but absolutely gutted cant go away, even a month away. So hes now said hes had enough, fed up & pointless waiting for a holiday he desperately needs. His moods gone down hill within 5 mins is angry I'm getting the brunt of it & TBH I feel like saying, u feel well sod it & go! 

As the way she was taliking coming off of this prednislone & radiotherapy side affects, its back to square one. Feeling ill afterwards.

Plus only one chemo since the bloody useless leytruda ended in August whats going on with tumour growth in lung. I wish to christ he'd gone straight onto chemo & not the bloody keytruda, thats caused more damage & delayed needed treatment.

So I can see my husband binning the meds & saying thats it. All he wants is to go & see friends travel a little & 10 months down the line not a chance. 

I am quite annoyed as today was purely blood to see if chemo cud be done Friday, which are perfect, but now saying prednislone weanings the problem, when she knew full well he was on them last week.

The whole poxy thing is confusing me & both thought November would be fine to go away. So hes now saying he'll never be able to travel as its constant treatment side affects & when he does feel well ie now he cant go anywhere.

So literally give up!! Living in 4 walls is no life & hes sick of it 

I really do understand, I lost my mum to cancer when I just had her 1st grandchild, and lost my.soulmate 4 years ago and am now 1 year in remission,  My husband used a wheelchair it took him a while to go out in it as didnt want people.asking questions as he was always fit, We started off going for little.walks to stopping off for a.coffee, then lunch, There is support if you ask, look after yourself too