Advanced stage 4 metastatic

I am sorry to hear about your dad.. what a lot he has been through. And you too. Can I ask his age?

He is 61. He’s not got overall good health prior to cancer. They said it had been growing for years before diagnosis. But you can see he is declining 

That is so young. I am so sorry. I am lucky to have reached 75 myself and now my quality of life matters most to me so I have already decided that I will refuse certain things in the future if the condition worsens. My sons want me to keep "fighting" but I have said I need to be allowed to make my own decisions as only I know how treatments make me feel. I was wondering how your dad feels about it all and whether he actively wants to try anything more. We are all different and some people want to try anything as it is the hope that keeps them going. Which is absolutely their right. Others prefer to accept the inevitability of their mortality and prioritise quality of time left over length. It all depends on the individual. It sounds, from all you say, as though this is incurable .. so it seems that the decision is more about being kept going. Have the doctors had an honest discussion with you and/or him about his prospects, and about the effects of any further treatment? Is that something he would want, or does he prefer to avoid it? I have heard that doctors sometimes take a different approach according to their assessment of whether their patient is the type who wants to "hear it as it is" or is better with a continued sense of hope. I do think clarity and honesty at this stage might be helpful for you both. But only you know if that is so. I hope you don't mind me being honest. Of course you must do .. and encourage him to do .. what you feel is right for him. Only you know him well enough. I can sense your worry and sadness and just wish I could give you a big hug xx

Honestly, he refuses to talk about it. Whenever they have appointments with the doctor my mum tries to ask things and he just shouts at her. We don’t know what he wants, but he seems to be believing his time is up shortly. He’s saying about DNR which is the first time he’s ever spoken about his end of life care. I’m sure he is struggling just as much but we can only help so much if he won’t talk to us or the doctors :( he’s had lots of different treatments but the main ones are the Cabo and Lenvatinib. He has no life now, he can’t do anything without sleeping for the rest of the day. He gets infection after infection, in and out of hospital. Our heads are baffled. Is there point in trying more? We have no one to talk to because he shuts us down at the appointments (if that’s what he wants to do then that’s ok) but it’s so hard 

How horribly sad for you all..I do empathise. My dad was like this. You just have to allow them to decide for themselves unless they have a Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare in place so that you can make decisions on their behalf. I myself have a DNR... I don't want to be brought back to face further troubles if my body has decided it is time. It sounds to me as if he is ready to go... but you will know better than me. Palliative care .. ideally hospice..can be wonderful. And very supportive to the family. Some have support groups where you can meet other family members facing similar situations. It would be worth finding out what is available in your area. Sometimes you have to be actively asking.. the system doesn't always point you to all the possibilities. I hope you and your mum have some support from friends or family xx

Thankyou so much, all the best to you