Newly diagnosed Tonsil/Lymph Nodes

• Everybody’s journey is different. I held back from posting any horror pictures in my blog because I think it’s alarming and counter productive. A summery is sufficient. The treatment is painful but manageable. It’s finished pretty quickly but recovery takes a little longer. We are forever changed but again side  effects are manageable too. 
  I had a few meltdowns not because I didn’t trust my team but I didn’t trust my body and I felt immense resentment that I had cancer while the world laughed and smiled it’s way through the winter. I felt cheated. it’s nonsense, of course but your mind plays tricks. None of us are immortal. The battle was with my mental health. My doctors were fighting the cancer battle and they were good at it. 
  It’s a very curable cancer. It just hurts getting the cure, but not forever. 

Thanks as ever Dani. I would echo many of your comments above even though I am only partway through my own journey - I feel an immense bitterness and resentment at this condition, but also a powerlessness that really chafes me too. As a pilot I am used to being total master of my own destiny and have spent 25 years seemingly safely guiding myself through both my job and life in general. I feel totally out of control now and mentally am struggling a bit, although I think I am just about holding it together, I am not too snappy although I have very little patience and on a bad day feel like I am on a hair trigger sometimes. Friends have recommended counselling so it is something I may yet do (lots available through my work, private health insurance and also through charities as a veteran) although I am so focussed on what the oncologist has to say that I feel like all bets are off until I have heard what they have to say, good or bad. Thank you so much for your advice and help, I don't think you know how much it means, I feel like this forum is keeping me semi-sane....!

Siko said:

Thank you so much for your advice and help, I don't think you know how much it means, I feel like this forum is keeping me semi-sane....!

Stick with it. It’s one of the reasons a few of us hang on to help others. We recall  the fear but also remember how others before got us through. No amount of well wishing from friends and family really cuts it. 
I keep bashing on at the fact that this cancer is very curable. 
I was a veterinary surgeon before I retired. I ran my own business and I was in control. It’s hard to lose that if you’re unfamiliar with the loss. 
BUT. I asked my clients to put their faith in me and I remembered that when I was ill 

Shout, rant and rave. We are here for that. It’s a place where you can do that safely. 
You don’t need to keep it together here. Everybody understands. 
I’ve sent you a friend request   
If you accept I have a message for you. 

HI Dani, thank you. I think I've added you as a friend although the website is a little bit clunky!

Hi Si yes it’s the lack of control that got me I was on a rollercoaster I couldn’t steer I couldn’t get off. I started my blog as it was the only thing I had a modicum of control over. Now it helps others to see there is a good life after cancer. 
meant in here rave on here we never judge. Kniw Dani has sent you a friend request we’re always happy to help. 
I was a business travel manager pre retirement so you flew the passengers I was in control of booking tgrm. Lol. Good luck with Wednesday tske pen snd paper snd don’t leave until you’re satisfied with answers. 
Hazel xx

Thanks Hazel, yes I will write a big list of questions and leave them with my wife to keep on top of as no doubt it will all be a bit overwhelming for me. Cheers again

Hu quick message do a duplicate copy then your wife has one and one to oncologist then he knows where you are coming from. I still do it even now albeit my list now is much shorter than the first appointments.

Hazel x

Siko said:

HI Dani, thank you. I think I've added you as a friend although the website is a little bit clunky!

Try again? Or send me a friend request. Clunky? An understatement

Done. That was difficult!

Just to update this thread for anyone else who has similar cancer, I had my first meeting with the oncologist yesterday. After the surgery results meeting last week I have been really down and without going into too many details the stand-in doctor for the other stand-in last week basically didn't want to be there and was almost useless. Having now spoken with the oncologist he explained everything in detail and was a lot more positive.

He showed me that it was second stage HPV cancer with a primary tumour 3.1cm in my right tonsil (T2, N1, M0 I think?). He said with the surgery completed I should have around 90% chance of success but if I was a smoker and the cancer caused by that it would be around 60%. Got several weeks of appointments now and will start weekly chemo and daily radiotherapy at the end of Aug.

Thanks again to Dani and Hazel for keeping my spirits up and their expert advice. Whilst there is a mountain to climb, I do feel like there is a chink of light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.