Depression help please

What you feeling is perfectly understandable.  We all react differently but we are all affected deeply.  .  You are grieving for your previous cancer free life.  Post cancer life will be good too but you are allowed to grieve, to be upset at the impact on your body, you're life, your family.   it's ok to cry.  Diagnosis and treatment is rapid, you barely have time to process then it hits.  So when people call you brave or strong or that you are over the worse  just tell them you not in right place to hear that, that you are struggling physically and mentally and just need time to come to terms with a cancer diagnosis and impact on yours and your family life xx. 

Hello FE1,

I am sorry you are here and sorry for all you have gone through.  You have gone through so very much, you know its not easy, its a journey/rollercoaster of a ride that once on we have to carry on - we have no choice and like it or not it is challenging, tiring and mentally so disturbing and no one.... no one will ever, ever understand the feeling when you are total 'that' word! 

I was blessed not to need chemotherapy.  If I am truthful, I don't know how I would of got through this - you have done this and are coming out the other side now

It is strange how we handle things mentally - operation and radiotherapy (I had 'combined treatment with operation and radiotherapy given during same procedure) - I had just wanted to get 'it' out and didn't seem to think about it, I felt strong going in for the operation, I seem to of only focused on 'getting it out' - the operation didn't really come into my mind 'at the time'.

I will say once taking the letrozole one of my side effects a few months in was a lot of my hair coming out - I don't wash my hair very often so the amount coming out seemed even worse..... this is when I had my own melt down - I was in the bath about to break my heart over it - yet I was saying it was 'only' hair ..... this seemed to get to me more than everything else  think hair coming out was the thing that put it all into reality - the operation and radiotherapy in reality where the main treatment - yet it was my hair was my trigger.....

This all said, how I mean is.... you are 'only' 6 weeks!! 6 weeks post treatment - so now 'your' journey starts - the 'you' - the 'new you'.  
I believe you are only now starting to take it all in, now only just 'thinking' about moving forward let alone moving forward.  You have gone through so much.  In a way the you 'you knew' is no more, she went the day you were told 'that' word and now you have all the anxiety and even grief to process in loosing the person you once was - this is hard.... but.... you will love the new you, the person you are now - you will, it all just takes time.....

And this is where your partner won't understand, they might want to understand, they might want to try to help you by pushing you along - yet they truly don't know how we feel so might just think we should be able to move on 'in their eyes, we've had treatment and now we are okay' ..... never thinking about how we are mentally and of course we truly don't know how they feel about it all (my new didn't seem to want to care about this - because 'it' happened to me - I didn't want to be told 'it's gone now, you are okay' ..... because .... 'they don't know' - its just words - yes, I know you're trying to help....  but honestly nothing you say will help because it is 'my mind that chooses what I believe or how I feel'. 

So your partner saying 'you should be getting back to a normal routine.... that has gone, you haven't got a normal routing - you will have to make a new normal routing (if this makes sense).  

You don't mean to upset your family - you don't, it is because we are scared and still trying to work it all out that we can flip from happy to sad, angry to crying to laughter - don't be hard on yourself with all this ..... You need to focus on you and be kind to you.

This journey started for you nearly 12 months ago! day in - day out worrying, appointments, test, operation, etc etc - I believe only now are you beginning to process it all - this is your journey - take it one step at a time with what is comfortable for you.

Remember..... if you need us - we are all here for you - if you need to rant, laugh, cry, listen - you name it we are here for you - in different ways each of us have travelled part of the journey.

Most of us go to the 'AWAKE' thread - there are always 'Fruit Loops' as we seem to have gained the name (hmmm not sure why hahah) - anyway, we go on this thread and discuss everything from A to Z ! I'll attach a link for you.

Right I am going - as I may of sent you off to sleep - I hope my reply 'makes sense' - I do tend to waffle on and on and on....

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer-forum/f/general/128753/awake/1789983#1789983

I think what you are feeling is perfectly understandable and those not facing cancer do not understand. From their point of view the dangerous part, the cancer has gone or is going but for you it is just the start of a different life. I think when someone said it is like a bereavement it hit the nail on the head. We all want to be the person we were before we got told we had cancer. I am lucky in that my cancer was caught early and very easily treated but I still occasionally say to my husband, I want everything to go back to how it was. I am sure in time we will feel differently but don’t ever feel that you are alone with these thoughts. We do understand

E️vajean x

I agree with everyone that has written before me. I was diagnosed January 2021. Two weeks later I was on chemo, then mastectomy and 15 sessions of radiotherapy. So I am one year post the end of primary treatment. Now on hormone tablets and bisphosphonate. I am up and down, but more up nowadays. But I am not how I was before. I think that’s gone now. I had counselling from a cancer charity, which was excellent. She taught me to practice daily gratefulness and to live by each day. Otherwise I would waste my days for the rest of my life.
I ended my ‘relationship’. We had been limping along as a result of the absence of empathy (he lost his previous relationships because of this). He was helpful, but lacked affection and kindness. I realised that if there was no care and kindness when I had cancer (eg. he would walk 10 yards ahead of me after each radio session), then there was never going to be. On the last day of radio, he said ‘ So, here’s a question … what are your plans now it’s all over … a holiday?’ He then gave me a necklace to remind me of all I had been through and my strength. Outside of the cancer community many would think that was a thoughtful gesture. But you and I know that we have a mastectomy line to remind us of that. 
I still have my hamster moments, when I just need to get under the duvet for an hour to feel safe. I have a cuppa, and usually I am ok again. I wonder if some of us have a form of PTSD. I have reduced my work hours to part time so that I can do more of the things that I enjoy. My flowerpots, my bird feeders, a nice book, a play on the radio, a nature walk (shorter than before though as I can’t do what I used to). Cups of tea and chats at coffee mornings.
But realising this, and embracing the ‘new normal’ took time. So be patient with yourself. I rarely think beyond the week. I certainly am not in a place to be able to plan a holiday 3 months ahead for example. There is certainly a period of adjustment that we go through. You are not being soft, you are normal. A big hug to you x

Well said, I think you speak for the majority of us. We just have to try and see positives in every day things. I just sat and watched a robin on my birdfeeder. Nature gives me so much comfort but we all know we will get those dark moments, just remember that it won’t last. Group hug to everyone.

Evajean x

Thank you for taking time to reply. I feel like I am a bit of a failure and do sometimes have better days. I think sometimes it can just come down to the relentless journey this is and fatigue 

Thank you for sharing your story and experience. I don't know how to behave anymore. I feel like I am letting others down as there's a massive misunderstanding how much this takes away. And the effect it has. It's a weird feeling of realisation that nothing will ever be the same again. 

It is a bereavement. I sometimes feel  as crazy as it sounds that I never got chance to say goodbye to the old me especially loosing one of my breasts. Which is such a upsetting experience. Sometimes I even dream I am like I was before it all started 

Thank you for taking time to reply.  It is such a changing journey isn't it. Some days I appear ok but then the feelings of loss and instrusive thoughts begin. I enrolled on a programme called hope to try and help. 

Maybe I expecting too much too soon. 

Today has been a duvet day. 

Hi FE1 welcome to the forum. Despite what you are feeling its all ok to feel like that and you are not alone in this.

its  an awful part of our lives and Cancer intruded totally uninvited, did all its damage, then left. Now what? Its been recognised that the journey goes on and we go into a part where we are changed but sometimes its only us that can see/feel it.

I wonder if you could look up a paper by a Psychologist Dr Peter Harvey and have a look at this. It may explain some of what you are feeling and why. Its entitled "After the Treatment Finishes-Then What"? . I feel that some of it will make sense at this time and do let me know how you find this article and if it is useful for you. 

You are not crazy I promise you, all that you are feeling is real and part of the healing process for you.

Sending some hugs your way for now. xxxx