Depression help please

Owww FE1 - I think the penny is dropping - you are expecting too much too soon.  

You are trying to take others feeling on board (we all do), but.... this doesn't help us.

I believe you have to keep it in your mind 'what you have gone through and how far you have come' ..... it is only you that has gone through it, both mentally and physically.... you now have to take time for you, time to heal both mentally and physically.  If I am honest I think the mental part is the worst - some have mentioned PTSD and I think they are right.  Its like a person with depression or OCD you can't just tell them to 'snap out of it' or expect them to just move forward after treatment ..... this is most people on this forum at some time or part of their journey.

Believe me, your feelings are normal, they truly are - I can also say day by day - maybe week by week - the intrusive thoughts do become less and usually as this point your mind and body decides to throw you a few 'shooting pains, or electric shocks across your boob ..... just to start you off again ..... and then we learn this can happen - it can be nerves healing or firing up after being damaged.... then we have start our feelings and worries again ..... and again with time we realise the thoughts get less and less - they do.   

It's one heck of a journey - and we can't rush it, but we can push the bad thoughts out of our mind - as soon as something you don't want comes in - push it away, sing, talk, walk, say out loud 'not today, I am okay - now what was I doing' just say anything stops the thought process from sneaking in.

Thank you so much for your help and support and kindness. This has really helped me feel like I am not going mad. I feel ashamed at times. Reading your words has made me realise it's okyo be like this sometimes. It is the hardest thing I have ever endured. 

O thought at the beginning of all this o would just put on a brave face and get through it but it truly leaves it's mark on mental health 

There is so many complex parts to a cancer diagnosis and treatment and although I am eternally grateful for the NHS the swiftness of treatment left me feeling out of control. 

Hi Carol thank you so much for responding to my post. I certainly feel like rapid changes that were needed have now started to sink in. I went from routine screening to a radical mastectomy without reconstruction in 5 weeks and then the start of chemotherapy radiotherapy and with what was barely enough time to recover from one treatment to another. One thing that probably aggravated all this is my fear of hospital's which really didn't help. 

So glad you are feeling more reassured. I was a gibbering wreck this morning waiting for my first oncology appointment. Why I ask myself as I knew it was only discussing the remainder of my treatment. Felt so much better afterwards. Keep posting and reading other posts, it all helps.

Evajean x

Lots of great support here and to add that it is still very early days and it seems most people have a bit of an emotional crash once main treatment has finished.

Add to that the hormone therapy, which makes you have lots of menopausal symptoms but few ways to help with them.

I was quite elated after I finished main treatment (chemo, lumpectomy, rads) and then it all hit me a few months later. I went into an early medical menopause during chemo with zoladex injections plus aromatase inhibiter on top during radiotherapy. For me, the hormone therapy is the one that last years and completely changes your body. I have had to grieve for the old me and find ways to cope with and enjoy the new me.

I've had to accept that I don't have as much energy any more and the insomnia can make me react emotionally first and think second. 

I've slowly accepted the new me over time and although it is frustrating I find the things that help me are keeping busy and active with the things that I like to do.

I work full time but am making that work for my energy levels by permanently working from home. I have hobbies that i absolutely love and make sure I do that most lunchtimes. I try and get out for a walk or run once a day.

My new mantra is to do more of the things I love and less of the things I don't. That's what keeps my happy levels up.

I've also found a few things that have helped - I'm nearly 2 years on from medically induced menopause and things have significantly calmed down. I have tried acupuncture, which really helped with anxiety levels, I take a high dose of vitamin d and calcium which keeps my mood up as well as being good for bones. And a few others things that have helped me find a relatively stable place from which to really enjoy life again.

Cancer is never far from my thoughts and I'm not sure if that fades in time or stays in the background. Any niggles that last more than a few weeks, I get checked out by my GP.

I have tried to hide feelings at times and it has just made me worse. Better to accept them, embrace them, and move on, or you're never letting the emotions come out. You're simply not the same as you were before and embracing that I think is better in the long run in order to accept it and enjoy life again.

Brilliant reply.  I totally agree with your words.  I've realised you cannot have back what you had so to forge a new normal gives you the control.  We all have wobbly moments but hopefully those are few.  

Hi Granny 59. Thank you so much for responding and very the information you sent. I have downloaded the information by Dr Harvey and as a result I feel like I am not as mad as I first thought. Theres so much of that that helps me. I feel like you are so right about it turning up and then causing havoc and leaving with a trail of destruction behind it. Thank you for your help and advice and kiness

Hi. Thank you very much for responding to my post. This is a really thought full and helpful reply. The bit about responding emotionally and then thinking after is completely how I am.. but wasn't previously. If anything my previous career's taught me to be the complete opposite..

I too am on letrizole and ameclibeb with zoldronic injections. Even  though I know I'm extremely fortunate to have these drugs. The side effects are more than I had expected and like you I'm trying to manage them  whilst balancing my love of walking and running... although less of the running at the moment. 

Hi.i hope you are feeling better today now you have more information from oncology. I  know it's a nervous time waiting to go meet your oncologist and trying to work out what to expect at these appointments but I think getting worried still happens no matter how many times we tell ourselves it's going to be ok xxx

I am so with you on this. I spent most of yesterday crying. I finished my radiotherapy mid-August, and in my head September was the month for getting back to 'normal'. Well, that didn't happen at all. I threw myself into life full force and now I have hit a dreadful fatigue wall along with feeling depressed and quite frankly I feel worse than I did during treatment.

I am so frustrated because I just wanted all this to be over so I could return to being me, but it's really not shaping up to be like that at all. I have reached out to Macmillan today for their fantastic offer of counselling via BUPA; it's so great that they offer that. It's no surprise, I guess, that it takes a little longer for your brain to catch up with things after such a big life event.