Relationships with breast cancer

Shelly55, sorry to hear your story. 

Since I was diagnosed in February, and have just had my 2nd chemo session, I want to try and lead as normal life as possible. 
You do need to continue to talk with your husband, but also sites like this are great for support from those experiencing the same feelings/side effects.

Since diagnosis I have had the offer of counselling from lots of different agencies, and this is not only for those with cancer, but for families of those having cancer. I would suggest you perhaps look at this option to help you through any difficulties, as talking is a must. 

Take care and keep us updated

Sandra

x

You are angry with the uni erase and people without cancer so and your hubby gets the brunt of it as you know he will put up with it.  You are still dealing with uncertainty of treatment plan etc but hopefully as it gets ,orecsettjed you will feel calmer.  If you can't tell him how you feel write it down or even text him xx

Hi Carol, thank you for replying, I’m definitely not angry at people not having cancer, I would rather it be me than them and I’m certainly not bitter at all. I have it and I have to deal with it. He feels I talk more to friends but I feel women ask more questions which allows you to open up more. It’s a very weird situation we are in and a surprising one.

hopefully you are right things will settle down once they have everything sorted.

xx

Thank you Sandra, I have suggested my husband contacts McMillan and gets some advice or counselling but he refuses. I’m sure we will sort it, it’s just not what you need when you are trying to get your head around everything.

I’ll keep you posted xx

In its core, this has nothing to do with breast cancer, but breast cancer accentuates the difference in approach between two people at a time when they both need the other one to meet them closer to where they are. Whereas it seems you respond better when asked questions, he appears to be someone who would let the other person tell as much as the other person wants, and responds to what he is told, rather than try and get more by asking questions. Does this make any sense to you? Anyway, the result is that from your perspective, he doesn't ask enough, and from his, you don't share enough, and all just "thanks" to the different approaches. 

Ideally, since you are the one who is ill, I would have preferred it if he was the one to make the additional effort, but the objective here is to keep the closeness between you, not play "who blinks first." So, I would likely say something to him along the lines of, "I want to share all of it with you but I find it hard to do without help in the form of specific questions." Another thing I might say to him is that this is a little like pregnancy; sometimes you have to talk to that other person who is going through the same thing and have the subjective experience.

I think that as long as you are able to acknowledge the difference between you and highlight that this in no say impacts on how much you love each other and want to be close, it will go a long way to diffuse any tension resulting from these different attitudes.

Thank you Greycats it does make sense, because my friends ask me I am open to them but if they didn’t ask I would keep things to myself. I am finding I won’t allow this cancer to make me cry and I have to be strong. My Mum was incredibly strong so I guess I am acting as I was brought up. I’m just surprised Cancer or is it just me with cancer can cause all this? Everyone else it seems to hold them together xx

Responses vary from person to person. For instance, there is a lady here on the forum who even after months from surgery is still finding it impossible to look at her scar. Me, on the other hand, I couldn't wait for the dressings to come off so that I could give the incision and the surrounding area a long, thorough inspection. 

Regarding, "have to be strong" : this is, again, a personal choice that not everyone feel they are even in a position to make, but those who do can sometimes go a little too far in holding the lead down on anything they think of as weakness, but again, what is right for one person may not be right for another, so as long as it's working and not causing additional issues, I would go with whatever feels right to that person.

Cancer can sometimes cause all kind of issues that were not expected when we are first diagnosed, and our own responses can sometimes surprise us. (I have had a few such moments and I gather so have others here.) 

Thank you, it is most helpful, the being strong does sometimes cause issues because I pretend I don’t need help when sometimes I do. I should learn to relax a little. Xx

I didn't mean in a nasty way you wished cancer on anyone else just that you feel angry about the situation you are in and  it makes you irritable.  I never said "why me" but people did pee me off when telling me how stressed they were about jobs around the house not done or that an item they wanted was out of stock !  I'm sure my hubby had the brunt of me and my "really ?" when he was whinging about something trivial! I wanted my rose coloured spec perfect pre cancer life.  He was also stressed by it I know but taking to him I knew made him feel he didn't know the right thing to say so he found out my feelings through my angry comments!!!  I talked best to 4 friends who had been treated for cancer previously as they just got it.  I hated the head titling "poor you" comments from well meaning folk!  Of course I smiled and said that I was fine !!!  So British .  

I know you didn’t mean it in a nasty way and I still bury my head in. the sand and don’t think I really have it or the possibility of chemo! My husband gets upset if I talk more to friends or women in the same situation but I try to tell him they ask me so I answer. I’m sure we will sort it out it’s just another worry alongside the situation I’m in. I just wondered if it was just us or others have ound themselves arguing. Got covid too so probably just feeling sorry for myself :) tomorrow is another day. Thank you for you help xx