Hello all you lovely people 
️
Today I had BCG number 9, so first maintenance round finished - WOOHOO!! My lovely Nurse, Ann , is wonderful and has supported me and lovely Hubby amazingly. I cried this morning once it was done. It is such a difficult journey that we are on and I thank God, and the NHS, that I can rely on seeing Ann at each appointment. I never imagined that I would be living this strange life of constant Hospital appointments and I have to admit that it is testing me. I'm having some counselling (through Bupa and Macmillan Cancer Support) and we have come to the conclusion that I struggle with loss of control of my life. Does anyone else feel like this?
I've got my PDD scan booked for 14th November under GA so if anything suspicious is seen biopsies can be taken during the procedure. Then onto maintenance round number 2 with BCG numbers 10, 11 and 12, then I'm halfway through the schedule. Trying very hard to stay in a positive mindset.
Sending love and positivity to everyone.
Love Ade ️ xx
Hi Ade,Good to hear you have finished your first maintenance round.I’m glad you have such a supportive nurse.I thought you might still be up 
Love from Jane xx fellow
Hi Jane,
I don't know why I'm still awake. I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm so tired after today's stress of BCG. Ann, my nurse is just lovely. She is 72 and only works on a Monday doing BCG and chemo instillations. She is becoming my friend as well as my Nurse.
I read your post that you have been sorting the utility room of doom. Made me laugh 
. What did your lovely Mum do her research in? It must make it very difficult to decide what to do with all her papers and also very proud too. From what you write about her, she sounds like an amazing lady.
Sending love from one night to another. Ade xx
That's fantastic Ade, such a relief to get through it and what a good idea to have some help with understanding how it affects us by having some counselling. Maybe I should have tried that?
I struggle with that loss of control and the change in your life constant hospital visits but it did seem to settle down after the initial induction. I only go now twice a year for the 6 doses of Bcg and the 2 cystoscopies a year so it feels a bit better and and 1 CT scan a year. Still would rather not have these visits at all but grateful to have had the NHS treatment, been amazing.
Good luck with the next step your scan and I hope that's all normal. Stay positive Ade, you have got this, sending you positivity right back and love 
Hi Ade,I hope you got some sleep.Mum used to help a geology professor with research.Her work covered geology,railways,canals,science etc and the history of the people involved.She was a unique lady and I miss her very much.
I hope you find the counselling beneficial.I had so many years of hospital treatments prior to cancer it hasn’t been as hard for me to adjust to the loss of control.I do know what you mean though because I found that difficult at the beginning.Best wishes for the scan.Love Jane xx
Hi Ade , thats a big round of applause from me 
well done and a treat is in order.
I totally struggle with my life feeling like its no longer in my control. There are time when i get anxious that the phone will ring with a random appt or blood test i haven't had . I have tended to socialise much less , I feel at times on high alert , and have done more meditation and mindfulness in this past year than i expected or thought i would need to. Tbh it has helped me enormously. It doesn't stop me having the feelings just helps me cope with them. This is a difficult and unpredictable journey we are on Ade, I am learning to get joy from the smallest of things, however I don't always feel positive. sometimes i want to shout from the roof. Today is a pants off day and its not been nice at all. The only positive is that it will be over soon and i can feel better for a few days till the next one. i have some dark chocolate waiting for me as a treat today. Have you treated yourself ?
Much love Angela x
