My husband has incurable cancer

My Dad was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer many years ago (my parents chose not to tell me and my siblings)  In the early part of this year, they finally told us, as it had spread much further and has become terminal.

Since telling us, its like his body has just given up and the decline has been rapid and incredibly scary.  My dad has always been my super hero and seeing him now, is a hard reality to swallow.  I am trying so hard to be what he and my mum need me to be, and they tend to rely on me and my husband more than my siblings when they need anything, which in itself has been difficult.

I have accepted that this is happening, and it is what it is, I think, but a couple of months ago, my dad told me he had around 6mnths to a year left (I don't think he has told my siblings this)  I am not sure if I am coping with this, my husband is of the opinion that I haven't really processed what's going on, I am petrified of what is happening, resentful of my parents for not telling us, and of my siblings for their what feels like a non-challant attitude towards it, as I don't feel like they are asked as much of, as me and my husband are.  I don't feel like I can break or cry or be upset, and to top it all off, it makes me feel guilty to feel all of these things, when I'm not the one dealing with the cancer.  In short I'm anxious, depressed and feel incredibly alone!

Hi my husband has incurable pancreatic cancer which has spread to his lungs and possibly spleen, he was diagnosed around 3 months ago and has just had his 4th round of palliative chemotherapy.  His prognosis isn’t great and we are buying time so I know how scared you are feeling.  It is such a difficult and unfair  journey especially as you have children who are so young, (my 3 are older). Please make sure you speak to someone about how you are feeling even if it’s a friend or family member and make sure you accept any help that is offered, I contacted my GP as I was panicking and they have helped me immensely with counselling and advice - I try and take one day at a time and am better at it some days than others.  Posting here is a big step and I wanted you to know u are not alone x

Dear Cor, What a terrible time for you and your Husband and your fears a so real.  Like you, my Husband has been diagnosed with a Stage 4 Cancer, inoperable but has a Target drug,  which will make our 'piece of string' longer we hope.  After the initial fear and I was accepting the diagnosis, I then almost felt guilty at carrying on life as normal. For us the situation is different as we do not have young children but if it is possible - keep each hour and day as it was before the diagnosis.  The days will not be easy but your memories will be full of love. Sent with kindness & love.

Personally, I think everybody should know who loves the relative with terminal cancer. It is of course the family's choice, how they deal with the news. But if you all know, then you can support each other. No, its not you who has cancer, but we still suffer the fear and advanced grief of losing them.  My Mum had cancer for a long time and when they finally said they could do nothing more, they chose to tell me, who was in my early 20s at the time, but not my sister in her teens. So when she did die, it came as a massive shock to my sister who was resentful, because I knew and she didn't. It helps if you know, so that you have time to process it and also hopefully spend some quality time before you say goodbye.  My husband now has been given a prognosis of 6 -12 months. Everybody knows who cares about him and we share it and try and make life as positive as possible. 

As for not processing it, you cannot suddenly accept, it in my view. It takes a slow dawning and softening and accepting. Yes the grief is like you feel sorry for yourself, because you will lose someone important in your life. Then you think of all the good memories and worthwhile things and become nostalgic and sentimental. Share the good memories with them, so their life means something. My husband asks, 'Was I a good man and was I good to you?' and we go over all the things we have done together and I reassure him. You don't have to be strong for everyone. You just have to be genuine and be able to share your feelings. All the best to you. 

My husband too.

It is scary and the unknown of when and how the end will happen,  is an impossible thought.  I ring the help line for MacMillan and blurt it all out sometimes, because freinds can help you practically and be sympathetic, but you need somebody who fully understands the impact.  All the best to you. Accept as much help as you can, in whatever form and don't be on your own with it. 

I just wanted to reply and say I’m thinking of you all. There are no words unfortunately, it is a slow way of acceptance and sometimes there is beauty in being able to have that time to reflect on your departure from the world and capture every moment. It makes it no easier and the sadness prevails most of the time but enjoys those moments of joy. I at the moment finding the nights hard, knowing it’s another day down - have I said another? Have I done enough? Do they understand how much I care? Sending you a virtual hug. 

Hi Cor84. I’m newish to this and I’m very sadly in the same boat as you and it’s totally hellish. I totally understand everything you have written as my gorgeous husband has bile duct cancer and it has spread to his lungs. 
He started palliative chemo GemCis on Friday and feels totally rotten today so is wondering what’s the point. 
if you want to ping me, by all means please feel free to do so. 

Similarly my husband has had 5 days of radiotherapy for secondary renal cancer in his hip and feels terrible and is so sick he cannot eat anything. We are hoping it is a passing phase and the good  thing is the pain in his hip had eased, so something must be happening? It’s a terrible fight the body is going through. But if you didn’t try the therapy offered wouldn’t you always be wondering if it would have helped and you missed a chance of trying it? 
Personally I feel we have to stick with the unpleasant side effects and let it do its job. Hopefully they will fade and the cancer will be less aggressive by being beaten up! Warriors are bound to feel diminished after a battle. Good luck to you both x 

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this with children. My husband was given days to live (his cancer has spread to his liver and it’s shutting down) all my time and energy is spent on him so I can only imagine how hard it is to juggle caring for him and your children. I think we’re all stronger than we think and it’s so nice to have this place to come and talk to others going through this absolute hell. Xx

I sent you a hug as that’s what we all need. I wish I could hug you all! 
We have an added complication in that my heart went in to AF, due to stress and worry. 
can’t get a dr appt at local surgery til Oct 12th!!! 
hey ho x