What is a good goodbye to someone you love

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Well my Mum is about to be 92 and her health has been dropping. I am having a couple of days to myself right now. I was supporting my mother alone this Christmas and New Year - my sister did not visit from Nov until next weekend - Mum's birthday. It was hard but we did manage to kind of connect better on Christmas Day. But quite a lot of the time I was tense as each time we went out I was worried she would fall or if I could cope with all the parking, sorting out the wheelchair, making sure she had what she needed. I also did the care role - her morning and evening carers often did not come and they were cancelled for Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

Well the thing is my brother died of cancer - aged 64 in Feb 23 and last year I did quite a lot of symbolic things coming to terms with it as there was no goodbye for me or my sister or mother. Only his wife was there and my brother only told us he had stage 4 - four weeks before he died - and we didn't see him. I just spoke to him once on the phone for 20 min after he told us he had stage 4. The last two weeks about he was in hospital anyway and his wife didn't let us speak on the phone or visit. So it has been hard. There was no goodbye and I have tried other ways of saying goodbye and had some kinds of trauma therapy to be honest. I also tried to drive to see him with a twisted ankle and three months later had to have an operation on it and in a weightless boot for six weeks, all fine now after quite a few months of physio. So I come through it

Last year I did a walk for Cruse and I went on a mountain walk (As I also got breast cancer and this walk was for those who had been touched by cancer) and then I also wrote poems and I planted an anenome in his village over Xmas.

But now I have to be ready for my mother passing. And it comes up again that there was no proper farewell for my brother. Friends of his did organise a celebration of his life that my mother sister and I went to - in August 23 so that was something. My mother came with me when I planted the anenome.

So it is just sad I guess and I just thought I would share it. My efforst are really to find some kind of symbolic way some kind of metaphor that helps to catalyse the grief I guess.

Anyone else got ideas about good goodbyes ? I mean my mother could live another five years or just a few months I don't know and maybe because of the shock about my brother I also feel she has grief she has not been able to process - could not say Goodbye to my brother. I have walked by the sea and thinking of trying to get a bench for him as he loved sailing - to respect his life

Fraterna 1 day ago

So you and your mother both have this unprocessed grief? That’s very hard- I’m so sorry. Do you talk to her about that at all or is it something you carry on your own? Would it help you share these thoughts with her?

I love the idea about a bench by the sea. Maybe doing something like that with your mum helping in a small way would be very healing for you both. There’s a sailors poem by Tennyson- it’s very beautiful- called Crossing the Bar.. Any sailor who has died is said to have “crossed the bar”….

Just a few thoughts… sending good wishes

Itsnoteasyatall 1 day ago in reply to Fraterna

Hello

Thank you very much that is a comfort, yes I have heard of the poem and I have even talked with my mother about it when talking about her funeral. On the whole my mother tries to say that she is 'over it' and that it is me that is still processing but I do believe it to be the other way around that I am processing it and she has buried the pain as much as she can. This I think because many conversations I have with her will end with her speaking of a memory of my brother. In this way I think my presence is helpful and vice versa. My sister has been very nasty and difficult and I think this is her way of trying 'not to deal with it' trying not to think that it matters that there was no funeral with the coffin and we could not say 'Goodbye' . My sister does not want to think ill of my sister-in-law who blocked our access to a traditional funeral for example. My sister-in-law also refused me permission to sit next to the coffin in a funeral parlour even though it would have been closed. So I hope that going to where my brother lived and planting a flower will help. I had bought two and she kept one and it is in her garden so I hope if it flowers it will be something of a memorial spot for my brother. Sadly my sister-in-law was actually very cruel. I know that some other families have retraced steps together of a route that the deceased person used to make so by going to where my brother lived it was doing this. My mother said she was not coming then telephoned me as I was leaving so I came and collected her. She said that she had seen me through the car mirror planting the flower.

I did carry some very hard things for a while alone, then I spoke to a priest who told me to give my mother and sister the information I had that they did not have - which also implied that my brother's wishes with his Will were not carried out. .I did share this information but my sister has never acknowedged receiving it. So I am writing this to help myself by sharing it really. I have also tried to protect my mother when my sister-in-law told her it was my brother's decision not to tell us that he had cancer - until he was very near the end - and I know this was untrue because thankfully I am in touch with a good friend of his who was there when my sister-in-law was telling my brother not to tell us, his family. So I did explain this to my mother so she knows that in 'normal' conditions not being under the control of someone - my brother would have told us. Thank you

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What is a good goodbye to someone you love