Final days

Hi Tattoo,

I genuinely feel your pain mate. My late wife and I were in exactly the same circumstances you and Rebecca find yourselves in now.

After a bit over 7 years, Margaret finally couldn't fight any more and went into what our doctors in Australia call a "state of imminent demise". They said that she would probably not last 2 or 3 days more.

As in life, no-one told Margaret what to do or when to do it.

Marg lasted 23 days and my sons and I were with here almost every minute (this was pre-COVID and I shudder to think what it would be like going through this with C19 restrictions in place). During those 23 days, Marg was rarely responsive, but every now and again, she would throw a curve ball.

Our eldest son, Anthony, was having a real meltdown late one night and, out of the blue, Marg opened her eyes, told him "Suck it up Princess", shut her eyes and drifted back to sleep. None of us knew whether to laugh or cry, but we took it as one more example of Marg looking out for all of us.

2 days before she finally passed, I was just nattering away to her while brushing her hair. She opened her eyes and said "I love you" and then went back to sleep. These were the last words she spoke.

The doctors and nurses at Mount Druitt Hospital Palliative Unit (absolute angels every one of them) told us that we should keep talking to her as hearing is one of the last senses to leave the body. They also told us that, when we felt it was time for her to go, we should tell her that and that we will be OK after she's gone (AKA the bullshit we kid ourselves with).

We asked Keiran, one of the nurses, if there was anything we should be looking for to indicate the end was nigh and he said that there are no rules in life or death. He said that sometimes, they will wait unitl a particular person visited, or they will wait until everyone had gone and they can go in private. Margaret was the latter - she waited until our 2 sons and I needed to take a break and we all left to get some fresh air (this was probably the first time in 3 weeks that there had been no-one at her bedside). When we got outside, Anthony ducked back in to grab his phone and found that she had passed when we stepped out.

As we sat and waited for the formalities to take place, we watched as all the wrinkles and laugh lines vanished from Margs face. My darling was finally pain-free and she was beautiful - simply beautiful.

Rebecca is in my thoughts, as are you and your daughter.

My sympathy is for your today.
My hope is for your tomorrows.

Stay strong. Kiss Rebecca. Hug your daughter. Look after yourself.

Peace,
Ewen :-)

At the end of your journey, the sun will still rise.
As will you.

Hi , I’m lost for words of what to say... but I’m thinking of Rebecca and sending much love to you all. Stay strong xxx

Hi Ewen, 

Thank you so much for your words, I’m sitting holding Rebecca’s hand, she’s a little noisy in the breath but she looks comfortable in her face, so I’ve been told she’s comfortable, her hands are cold and look like they are numb so I’m trying to warm them. 

I’ve just read through your profile and Margaret and your family have been through so much, thank you for sharing those details, I find it wonderful that you have been able to see and grow the changes that you and your sons have made with what life has thrown your way. 
I too want to change me as a person to make Rebecca proud, I’ve just got to find a way to cope and then force myself to adapt and grow, it saddens me that she has to go through this for me to think of these changes, but we are all like that I suppose. 

Covid doesn’t help at all, originally at the hospice, visiting was restricted to 4 hrs each day and only one person per day could visit, so it could be 3 or 4 days between seeing her, under 16 were not allowed so our daughter was denied the opportunity. I understand why but it’s hard to take. 
when her condition changed they adapted for us, i

we were allowed to visit 24 hrs a day provided only one person at a time and Eva could visit with me, so that has helped greatly. I’ve generally been here for 20+ hrs each day for the last two weeks, you’re not allowed to eat or drink here so I have to leave to eat/shower. Allow her parents to see her. 
I have ended up being here more and more though, her son has stopped visiting he found it too traumatic and also her parents are not coping well and have increasingly reduced visits too, so from a selfish point it’s allowed me to be here even more, I just hate leaving but I need to shower and eat otherwise I’m no good to anyone. 

thank you for your kind words and I’m sorry your family are going though this. Take care 

Thank you Tippybailey, your thoughts are appreciated, I’m pleased to read that you are well in yourself, that’s wonderful news and I’m so happy for you. 
I trust I’ve read correctly.

thank you 

Sorry for a further post. I’m sitting with Rebecca, holding her hand and trying to talk to her, complete nonsense most of the time, watching her breath, she’s been in a deep sleep for about 30 hours now. 
I had a complete breakdown this afternoon, after our daughter left and went back with my mum, reality started sinking in and I just cried and cried. I’m never going to exchange words again and everything went downhill hill so fast we still had things to say. I’m going to be so alone and I’m scared. 

I’ve played some of her favourite music tonight, Nirvana, Soundgarden onto Pearl Jam next, our wedding song also ‘Heartbeats’ by Jose Gonzalez, beautiful song, she walked down the isle to that. We went to see him play 3 or 4 years ago too. 

nurses suggested I get some fresh air, which I reluctantly did, walked to the chippy a few minutes away and ate them in the park, saw the most magical rainbow and I’m taking it as a sign from Rebecca, ridiculous I know. I have to clutch to something, sorry to go on, I’m a little lost  

Wow look at that rainbow , that to me is definitely meaningful... I’ve been thinking of Rebecca and you and your daughter and son. It’s such an awful time for you , it feels surreal as if your not even living it but unfortunately you are.  Keep talking to Rebecca she can hear you ,talk about everything from when you met your lovely memories you’ve built together. You will never be alone as you have a young daughter to take care of , you will find strength I don’t know how we do but we do although you can’t see it at this moment in time . There is no easy way to go through this I wish there was. Everything has happened so quickly for Rebecca I’m so sorry this has been the case, life seems so cruel what it hands to us . Lean on your support system of friends and family cry , talk and let all your emotions out although we always think others will get fed up with listening to us this is not the case. I’m sending much love to Rebecca .. 

Thank you Tippybailey, Rebecca passed away this afternoon shortly after 12:10. It was very peaceful at the end for her. Eva and myself were with her holding her hand and telling her we loved her, it all happened very quickly. 

Hey Tattoo,

Our thoughts and prayers are with you today.

Our hopes and aspirations are for your tomorrows.

Peace,
Ewen :-)

At the end of your journey, the sun will still rise.
As will you.

Dear Tattoo,

I am so sorry for your loss. From your many kind comments you clearly loved your wife dearly and these days are the hardest to bear. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Celebrate her life and remember the good times,

Paul

Thank you Paul for your kind words, I appreciate those very much. 

I’m sorry for the loss you have experienced this year too, after so long together and for you all to go through that my heart goes out to you and your family.