Hello all, I am in a black fog , I had call back from mamogram they did three biopsies of lymph nodes , they found them to be cancer but secondary , I have to have scans to find the primary , I am in a mess , completely , I am scared , my anxiety is through the roof , I am thinking the abserlute worst , I feel I'm already dead , sorry , I am petrified of what they will find , and also of the treatment , I and my husband left the hospital on Tuesday after being told I had secondary cancer with nothing , really not even a booklet , we have been existing , driving round aimlessly just trying to fill our brains with anything other than Cancer , my husband is brilliant but he is as deviated as me , I'm trying so hard to be strong , but I crumble , I think about telling the kids and crumble , I dry my hair and crumble , I hear people say next year and think no, I won't be here , I had a very active life before my call back , I loved my garden , but can't go out there , as I keep thinking , I won't see my flowers next year , I loved church bell ringing , it was my passion , but I can't go back , I am just numb really numb , scared and can't face anything , Please help , how do you manage to live through this ? I told my husband yesterday I'd rather someone shoot me than be having these feelings , Thank you all 
Hi and welcome to the Online Community, although I am so sorry to see the circumstance that brought you here and so sorry to hear you have to go through more investigations.
A cancer diagnosis can bring a lot of stress on a family but talking with people who are on the same journey will help a lot and will help reduce the whirlwind wind that is rushing in your head.
As my cancer journey was rather different you may like to start with this link to our Lymph nodes, secondary cancer forum, it does not have a lot of activity but you may want to put up a question and see if you connect with people who understand the journey you are on. You can ask the folks questions about treatments, what to expect during this time.
Follow the link and join the group. To do this hit the ‘Join the Group’ tab just under the main group name. At this point go to the right on the group home page and select how you want to receive email notifications when someone answers your posts. If in the future you don’t want to receive notifications just switch off the email notifications tab.
The best way to get support is to go to the 'Start a Discussion' tab just under the main group name. Set up your own Discussion and Introduce yourself to the group - you could just copy an paste what you have in this first post.
We do have lots of support groups that are Cancer specific, so once you have more information you can have a look through the groups we also have general Cancer experience groups.
Have a look through our various Macmillan Support Line Services then call them on 0808 808 00 00 to be very helpful covering Emotional Support and Practical Information. Clinical Information and Financial Support and Work Guidance mostly open 8.00 to 8.00 but check the link.
We also have our ‘Ask an Expert’ section where you can post questions to our mostly Volunteer Experts but please allow 2 working days to get a reply.
We also have our Online Information and Support Section where you will find some great pages covering the cancer diagnosis, treatment and information pages covering most types of cancers.
Talking to people face to face can help a lot so check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support Groups in your area or a Maggie’s Centre as these folks are amazing.
When you feel up to it thank about putting some information in your profile. This really helps others when answering. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself.
To do this click on YOUR username, look to the left and select 'Edit Profile'. Put as much or as little in your profile and you can amend it at any time - REMEMBER hit the big green SAVE before you leave the page. If you're not sure what to write you can take a look at any members profiles by clicking on their username.
All the best.
Hello Alison, thank you for the hugs , I send you big hugs back , I will look into the Maggie centre , and also ask GP for McMillan nurse , you are right when you say it's torture , it so is , in on
part of my brain I want to know , but the other side is so scared to find out , the whole picture is just doom and gloom , I tell myself , I'm no different to the person I was before Tuesday , but am so different in lots of ways , I feel sick at the thought of telling my kids , Do you ever get back to feeling " normal" again ? Thank you again Alison for your reply , very kind of you oops mojos just popped up and I can't delete them , only put one up xxxxx
