A chance remark from a friend yesterday saying she admired my bravery got me thinking about friendships.
You certainly find out the hard way who your friends are going through a divorce and two cancer diagnoses. I initially found friends didn't want to hear my sorrows so when asked how l was l would say OK and deflect the conversation away from 'me'.
All my friends know of each other but do not know each other if that makes sense. Well l have just realized even though l am not the eldest l am the first to have cancer and now end stage supported by hospice. My friends have lost parents but not a friend. Am l unwittingly putting on a brave face to help them rather than let them see the true me? They only see me on 'well' days and not when l cannot get from one room to another as l am wheezing and coughing so much l do one step rest then another step and rest and so on. Am l protecting them from the reality of lung cancer and copd? The answer is yes. Then l think why? With current statistics as they are at least one or two of my friends will also encounter a cancer diagnosis. Am as l say unwittingly trying to convey you can live 'well' with an end stage prognosis or should l now be letting them see the 'real' me? Am l doing it so l don't lose these friendships? Friends are crucial living alone. I would be interested to know whether you hide the 'real' you? I am wondering about friendship at end stage as l am the first in my group of friends and have noone to relate to. Thank goodness for this subgroup where l can raise this topic x
