Friends

I understand your quandary and reasoning.  I have incurable lung cancer, I tend to put on a brave face and anyway I tend to only see my friends when I,m not too bad, so they don't see the worst .   We need out friends at a time like this and don't want to put them off from seeing us by always moaning.  But there are a couple of friends who I know I can have a moan to and they will listen, its a case of picking who you talk to, the good friends will listen and understand.  I do apologise and make sure I give them a chance to talk about themselves.  

There is no easy answer, I do hide the difficulties a little but also let them know its not easy and I do struggle some of the time, but I say this without going on about it too much unless they ask questions and are open to more gruesome details!

I agree this site is a great way to vent frustrations and to get help with these issues, not sure if Ive helped much but be assured I have asked myself the same things!

Hi Little Red

Thanks so much for responding Little Red. It has really helped me to know you too 'hide' the true you from some of your friends.

Since the end stage prognosis l feel l have lost my confidence in social settings. I do have to be careful as l have been told l apparently mutter asides which can be considered tactless. Initially l blamed the 'morphine' as l have no recollection of doing this but now l think it may be l have lost my patience to listen to everyday moans. Moaning about everyday worries such as 'should we book a holiday abroad with the Brexit debacle?' 'should we extend or move?' 'are nowhere near my concerns of when will l need carers? Will l be able to end my days in the hospice? It is so difficult as l obviously do not want to alienate friends same as l do not want our relationship to change. Am sounding a real contrary Mary!! It is good we now have somewhere to discuss ' our particular worries'. I had been struggling with noone in my situation to 'talk' to. 

Having read your profile, having lung cancer too, l understand the prejudices you have experienced. Medics use that accusatory tone of voice. I would say l haven't had that tone at the hospice. 

Thanks again for responding x

Hi m-j!

I've been going throught he same thought-processes myself, and was very grateful whena neighbour told me that nobody wanted to talk  to me because they were afraid they wouldn't know what to say. So I usually deflect te conversation elsewhere, and even my kids have to ask me a very direct question before I'll say anything further. I usually say, "I'm doing well, thank you." and I don't add "considering"!

I had three friends who died of cancer, and I'm aware that it can be a slow process, so, like you, I don't want to frighten my friends away.

Love, Pocita

Hi 

I know what you mean! The everyday discussions such as extend or move or where to holiday can somehow seem shallow when one is facing up to a life limiting illness. But I think there is an alternative way of looking at it. Bear with me while I develop this. 

It brings to mind how I used to feel on returning home from working abroad. I’ve worked in various difficult places for humanitarian organisations during my career and I used to feel like a square peg in a round hole returning from some god forsaken hell hole to be surrounded by people moaning about everyday troubles such as the cost of beans when I’d been places where there were no beans. As it were. Then I realised that the universal right to moan about bean prices was kind of  what I was working for as a humanitarian. So glory hallelujah. Let’s talk about this normal, everyday stuff because actually, this normal is a privilege. 

I also realised that my stories from abroad were conversation stoppers. Everyone talks about their daily experiences and hopes to find common ground with their companions. But my everyday was often so very different to most people’s that there was not much common ground. A few good anecdotes were fine. But in the end it was better just to shut up and save the stories for sharing with my fellow humanitarian workers. 

I think it’s the same feeling living with incurable cancer. I have a sense of otherness. My everyday is struggling with side effects and getting to hospital appointments and wrestling with existential angst. Friends talking about their grandchildren or planning their outfits for daughters’ weddings or what they are going to do in retirement make me feel anguished.

But I don’t want to feel otherness or excluded. These days I’m trying to live my life as normally as I can. So I hang on to the normal. I’m blessed with friends who show a genuine interest in what’s going on for me and I have an ability to talk about it openly, entertainingly and I hope without too much self pity. It has its limits though. There’s a time to talk about the price of beans. And there’s always time to show a genuine interest in the lives and problems and everyday concerns of the people around me. 

Yes, I can set myself apart. Or I can do my best to cling on to the normal. I can be a good listener. I can save the cancer war stories for this community where we share a common experience of living with cancer. 

Xx

Well said Daloni. I'm lying in bed feeling awful, reading the posts for the first time in days. I've been in bed for a bit now.. Last week thinking after a severe urine infection, the antibiotics had worked but it lasted two days, then I felt unwell again and oh so tired. I can relate to a lot of the stories here. I used to be in walking, badminton and tennis clubs but since my dx I have nothing in common with the people I used to spend time with and eventually they just disappeared! Even the few I saw out with the club have gone too.

If we couldn't talk to our virtual friends here, I for one would be in dire straights by now. So thank you all for being there!

I have to go for an Ultrasound of my liver on Tuesday to find out if this is where the problem is coming from! I hope they have answers and not just more questions! Always thinking of you all!

Oh Annette! I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. That was not the plan at all. I do hope they can get to the bottom of it - and more importantly get you feeling better. 

Lots of love, my darling 

xxx

Hi

I have just realised my post was kind of off the topic you started and it’s in the end of life section. I am sorry - it was unintentional. 

I hope today is one of your good days and that you do see friends 

lots of love 

xxx

No worries Daloni your post was very helpful with the difficult topic of friendships and is relevant to both groups.

Thanks Pocita for adding your experiences and sorry to read you have lost 3 friends. That must have been or still is a difficult time for you.

Your neighbour was a good friend in telling you and l feel the same on being told of my bad habit of muttering under my breath!

Hope you have a nice week end planned x

Hi m-j,

Thank you for your mesage.

For two of my friends, their deaths were an answer to prayer, in that I felt they had suffered too much and should be allowed to rest from all the pain. In the case of the third, she wanted to live because she felt so strongly that she had work still to do. I miss her every autumn, because that was her favourite time of year. Since it is a season that fills me with foreboding, she is still a good friend to me even now, because I find I can look at it with er eyes and see the beauty in it.

Yes, my neighbour is much to be thanked for her frankness. 

I hadn't got round to planning the weekend, but yes, I think I'll go and see my son and daughter-in-law. They have been watching the final series of Game of Thrones, and I am just up to season 4 in the box set, so we can compare notes!

Hope you've got something enjoyable coming up.

Love, Pocita

Oh I'm so sorry everyone, I didn't notice or even think of looking at the group's name! I will be more aware of this in the future.

Again sincere apologies to everyone!