Andrew, who began this thread, sadly died in September 2008, but his friends wished that his thread remain open in his memory, particularly to promote Andrew's idea of 'dancing away cancer' each Friday at 3pm. Please feel free to post your dance tunes every Friday in his memory.
Macmillan admin
Hello everyone,
this is my topic to start and its a question that has been burning around the back of my mind for the last few days.
I always thought that having a small group of very close friends was enough for anyone, ok you always have work colleagues and other acquaintances but the main group of my friends has remained within a steady little group of five people for nigh on the last twenty years. We have shared almost, if not all, of what life can show you over that period and nothing has every served to tear us very far apart for long.
There have always times when partners/other friends/own family have been more important to us and always been times when we are more important to each other and perhaps have taken some of this for granted and assumed that it will always be thus. I have reached the opinion that I have for certain.
Then you get cancer! Things change I suppose but I have cancer and all of a sudden things are important to me that weren't before and they have an impact on others which were not anticipated.
First I need to say that my friends have been great through this initial part of my illness and there is nothing to say that this position is going to change immediately - rather its me that seems to be changing and not them. I am having doubts about my ability to cope with what is happening to me and what may happen in the immediate future, I am doubting my friends willingness to hear what I have to say when they ask that questions each day "How are you?", I don't want to say "OK thanks" each time when I am not OK,
I want to say "it bloody hurts" and "I don't feel well at all" and "I think its really unfair that I have this disease and you don't" (that one really stings in your head and even if its not at all true, sometimes you can't help yourself thinking it even fleetingly).
Then after that I get guilty about having the disease and having those bad thoughts that seem to go along with it all. I keep thinking that I am asking too much of them now in terms of emotional and physical help and what if their well runs dry later when I need them even more than I do now and they have nothing left to give me. Then I think that that is a really selfish "me, me me" attitude to have and that gets me really down - can you be guilty about a guilty thought which in itself is only a selfish thought about feeling guilty - just how big a knot is that one to unravel.
Anyway before I drive all away completely with this "hymn to the depressed" that brings around the original thought I had;
- can you use up and wear out your friends and family with this thing before you need them most?
Thanks for reading (if you managed to get through the dirge without laughing too much) and any thoughts are appreciated.
Cheers
Andrew
Liz, gosh, a fry up, I javen't had one of those for ages - think it was feb in the lakes, much prefer them when someone else does the cooking of it though - lol
Christine, hope you enjoyed your nap - yes Lady Eleanor is a great song to drift away to isn't it. love lindisfanes's songs as well. I actually have a paintng of the Holy Isle itself on the bedroom wall. its a water colour which was done by an old friend of my mothers about 30 years ago, he also did some pen and ink sketches I have on the kitchen walls of Haworth which is near where I was born. his son became a professional painter and I think he is still going just can't remember his name and can't be bothered to get up and look - lol.
I am a bit the other way around with Pink Floyd - may favourites are from Wish you Were Here onwards, nothing against the early stuff and I will quite happily listen to it but do more prefer the later stuff - with the exception of See Emily Play of course!! - Meddle I like though!
Clare, hello and welcome to our little group. yes did disxcuss the patches with the pain doc and its still a thought but she was of the opinion that as the MST are now balanced and I wanted to get back behind the wheel of the car itwas not worth going back and starting the re-balancing excercise again. It hasn't reall;y worked out that well though as with the pain I can't drive anyway. But is the Amitriptyline works over the next couple of days then the MST can remain in place and I should also be able to drive again.
So i think for the time beinng I will stick to the MST rather than change to the patches BUT the pain doc is coming to see me tomorrow so that may change, who knows?
So everyone - what sounds good for tea?
Andrew
