Andrew, who began this thread, sadly died in September 2008, but his friends wished that his thread remain open in his memory, particularly to promote Andrew's idea of 'dancing away cancer' each Friday at 3pm. Please feel free to post your dance tunes every Friday in his memory.
Macmillan admin
Hello everyone,
this is my topic to start and its a question that has been burning around the back of my mind for the last few days.
I always thought that having a small group of very close friends was enough for anyone, ok you always have work colleagues and other acquaintances but the main group of my friends has remained within a steady little group of five people for nigh on the last twenty years. We have shared almost, if not all, of what life can show you over that period and nothing has every served to tear us very far apart for long.
There have always times when partners/other friends/own family have been more important to us and always been times when we are more important to each other and perhaps have taken some of this for granted and assumed that it will always be thus. I have reached the opinion that I have for certain.
Then you get cancer! Things change I suppose but I have cancer and all of a sudden things are important to me that weren't before and they have an impact on others which were not anticipated.
First I need to say that my friends have been great through this initial part of my illness and there is nothing to say that this position is going to change immediately - rather its me that seems to be changing and not them. I am having doubts about my ability to cope with what is happening to me and what may happen in the immediate future, I am doubting my friends willingness to hear what I have to say when they ask that questions each day "How are you?", I don't want to say "OK thanks" each time when I am not OK,
I want to say "it bloody hurts" and "I don't feel well at all" and "I think its really unfair that I have this disease and you don't" (that one really stings in your head and even if its not at all true, sometimes you can't help yourself thinking it even fleetingly).
Then after that I get guilty about having the disease and having those bad thoughts that seem to go along with it all. I keep thinking that I am asking too much of them now in terms of emotional and physical help and what if their well runs dry later when I need them even more than I do now and they have nothing left to give me. Then I think that that is a really selfish "me, me me" attitude to have and that gets me really down - can you be guilty about a guilty thought which in itself is only a selfish thought about feeling guilty - just how big a knot is that one to unravel.
Anyway before I drive all away completely with this "hymn to the depressed" that brings around the original thought I had;
- can you use up and wear out your friends and family with this thing before you need them most?
Thanks for reading (if you managed to get through the dirge without laughing too much) and any thoughts are appreciated.
Cheers
Andrew
Morning All,
This was going to be posted 17th May but the site wasn't working so its going in now!!
This morning has been strange, flowers delivered (very early - which did not help my back at all) so its taken untill now to be in a place where I can actually do anything useful - lol -
Had a very long sleep last night, went to bed about 10.30 to 11.00 ish and didn’t get up until the flower man came about 10.00am so a good night I think! The flowers are beautiful with a balloon attached as well but haven’t found the card yet so no idea who they are from!
My car won’t be ready until Monday or Tuesday so I still have the boring one the garage gave me so it’s a good job the sun isn’t out as it has no roof down facility - lol -
I will be busy with visitors all afternoon today - as yesterday everyone was working they are all coming round today instead - so that will be good!
I hope I find you all in good health and spirit and that the weekend holds many good things in store for you all as well.
Catch up later if possible and if not then tomorrow later on I will be on here to let you all know how the weekend has been for me and find out what is was like for you all.
Cheers for now and happy Saturday!
Andrew
Xx
Monday 19th May
Morning All (again)
So its Monday and not a bad day, bit chilly out but the sun is shining brightly here so thats always a good thing!
I have been up since about 7.00am ish but htats ok because I went to bed about 10.10pm and so have ha d a full noghts sleep again!
I don't know about everyone else but I have found it rather strange not being able to write down my thoughts and feelings over the last few days whils the sit was out of action. Or even just to chat and gosspi a little - its been kind of lonely in a way!
Anyway we are back in action again so lets get on with it, I promised you all a weekend update and here it is :-
Saturday was quiet until about 3.00pm when my sis came round, she bought me two beatiful flower prints for the bedroom wall, they are magnificent and I could not be more pleased with them! I also got some choccy from her but the prints are just great (I could nit stop saying thank you for them to her all day).
I have also got lots of toher presents from my friends but the main ines are them - just visiting and being there for me, as one of my friends said "what do you get for the man who has everything he wants". A good question I thought - lol -
I was taken out for tea on saturday and we also managed to book some flights to Portugal, we have narrowed the hotel choice down to 4 main contenders (the Hilton is my favourite) and will book that either today or tomorrow. We thought better get a flight first and get hotel second as there are more hotels to choose from than plane seats.
I also qualify for wheelchair assistance for the flight so we ger preferential treatment at checkin and automatically get better seats with more leg room - isn't that cool (who says cancer has no benefits - lol).
Best wishes and best regards,
Andrew
xx
