Trigger warning - Suicidal ideation
A bit of background:
My uncle (74) found out he had prostate cancer and bone cancer in his pelvis/hip in May this year. He had a short course of radiotherapy in August, but was told he couldn't have chemo due to them suspecting issues with his heart, so he's been given tablets instead. The letters he's shown me from the hospital mentioned palliative treatment. He doesn't seem to be having ongoing doctors appointments, just blood tests before collecting his next batch of tablets.
My uncle has been Deaf since childhood, with a slightly younger cognitive age. He has hearing aids and he lipreads. He used to live with my dad, but since my dad died three years ago he's been living alone. He hasn't retired so has been keeping busy working 5.5 days a week until May when his leg gave out at work and they took him to A&E which resulted in his cancer diagnosis.
Apart from his elderly older sister, I'm his only relative. My mum (his ex-sister-in-law) has been helping me support him.
He hasn't been able to return to work and his 28 weeks of statutory sick pay are about to come to an end, so he'll only have his state pension. I've looked into it and he's too old to apply for PIP and when I tried to apply for pension credit for him it was turned down (perhaps due to the ssp that's about to end looking like wages going into his account, so we'll try to apply again when that stops).
Back in the summer he suddenly told me that he'd had an estate agent round to put his house on the market (his childhood home that my dad was born in, so he has no memory of ever living anywhere else). Both my mum and I advised him that it wasn't the right time to go through the stress and upheaval of a house sale and move while going through cancer treatment. He insisted that he needed to move into a retirement flat as that would be a more manageable size for him (true) and 'cheaper' (not true as although the council tax and utilities will be cheaper there'll be a £3k per year service charge that he's not been used to paying).
He doesn't understand any of the house sale solicitor stuff so my mum and I have been trying to help him with that. Yesterday he managed to lock himself out of his email account.
Question:
The last few times we've seen him to help him with paperwork/solicitor type stuff he's got frustrated and upset and said things along the lines of "I just want everything to end" or "I can't live like this for another three years."
My mum has told him before, and we've both told him both times we've seen him this week that he needs to tell his doctor how he's feeling and/or speak of Macmillan about how he feels about everything.
I don't think he's suicidal in the sense he has an actionable plan. He's previously told us over the last few years that after my dad died he "wanted to just kill himself" because he didn't know what to do without his brother.
We just don't know how to support him? My mum suggested that we could call the Macmillan helpline, but when I've spoken to them on chat about his work/finances they've told me to encourage him to call them himself... and I suspect that if we tell them he's saying he 'wants to end it all' they'll tell us to take him to A&E or call an ambulance if he's an imminent danger to himself.
How do you support someone in his sort of situation when his physical and mental health seems to be deteriorating?
Welcome to our community, I hope you find it both informative and supportive.
Sorry to hear about your uncle and your dad, from what you say it sounds like perhaps he may benefit from a needs assessment and you can read about them here.
When my parents got older they decided to move in to a supported housing project, there were a number of activiteis arranged - including carpet bowls that my dad very much appreciated - and all the rooms had emergency pull coords for the 24hr on site staff.
There is quite a compreensive page about palative care on the main site here that might be helpful.
How are you and your mum coping too? Caring for someone with cancer can be really difficult so remeber to be kind to yourself.
<<hugs>>
Steve
Hello ConscientiousCricket2bf06e
I’m Steph and I’m part of the Online Community Team here at Macmillan. May I wish you another warm welcome to the Community, although I’m sorry that circumstances bring you here.
I was sorry to read about everything you’re going through with your uncle. Hearing that someone you love is feeling suicidal is not easy. It’s understandable that this has left you feeling unsure of what to do. It’s important that you feel well-supported too.
It’s good you are reaching out for some support from the Community, and I hope you’ll continue to do so. Steve has already offered you some good advice about the needs assessment.
I’d encourage you to continue using our Support Line to talk things through. It's a good idea to encourage your uncle to give them a call too. Our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat.
It is positive that your uncle has confided in you about the way that he is feeling. It’s also important to know when to seek professional support, and when to step back to look after yourself. The Samaritans have this information to help you with supporting him.
It’s not uncommon for people living with cancer to experience extremely low mood. It sounds like you might be all feeling overwhelmed by a number of things at the moment. It’s really important that you encourage your uncle to seek professional support in addition to relying on you for help. You might want to reassure him that it’s not uncommon to feel like this and that there are people who are there to listen and help him through this.
Your uncle’s GP would be a good contact to help with the way he is feeling and any practical issues he is facing.
Please do not hesitate to call 999 if you are concerned that your uncle might harm herself. There is some more information from the NHS here called ‘Help for suicidal thoughts’.
The ‘Supporting someone with cancer’ section of our website has lots of helpful information about how to support someone and find the right support for yourself.
Our pages on talking to someone about cancer might also be helpful for you if you’re worried that you might not be saying the right things.
If your uncle's cognitive age makes reading and understanding information about cancer difficult, please find details of our easy read cancer information.
I hope you find the support you’re looking for. Please do let us know if you have any questions or need further support with anything at all. I hope the Community helps to show you that you don’t have to go through this alone.
Hello again
We also wanted to let you know that our Support Line can offer you some help with the benefits that your uncle might be entitled to.
There is some more information about cancer and benefits here.
You can also access our benefits calculator.
Please do contact the Support Line if you have questions. As a reminder our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat.
