Girlfriend to a son of father with stage 4 terminal cancer

Hi lovinggirlfriend0cd0d9 

Welcome to our community, I hope you find it both informative and supportive.

What your write sounds like a very difficult situation although it is not that unusual, sometimes people push the ones they love away thinking things like "I don't want to drag them down too".

You talk about anticipatory grief and there is quite a good peice on that here, perhaps if you shared that with your partner it might help,

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi there,

I’m in a three year relationship. My mum was diagnosed with cancer this year, it’s not terminal and she is being treated but it is stage 4, so still very devastating. My boyfriend’s mum sadly passed three years ago, 6 or so months after we started dating so early on in our relationship. 

So, I’ve been at both ends of the experience, and know what it’s like to support a partner as they navigate the terminal diagnosis and death of a parent, and also what it’s like to be going through a devastating diagnosis and need support from a partner. 

My partner and I respond to grief in different ways. He prefers to spend time alone, and doesn’t want to talk about it as much while I’m very vocal about my feelings and process by talking things out. When he went through it, he didn’t want to talk about it much and when I was processing my mum’s diagnosis I didn’t want to talk about anything else. 

Experiences like this can either bring you closer or pull you apart, and I think what has helped my partner and I through these difficult times is understanding what the other person needs when grieving and making space for that. I gave him time and space, even though it felt uncomfortable for me & deepened the fears I had, esp so early on in our relationship, that we might not make it through and he might completely withdraw from me, and this time around he has listened to me for hours and hours while I cry & release all the emotions, even though he hates to see me so heartbroken, and it likely triggers his own grief. 

Grief is completely and utterly overwhelming, and you often have little capacity for anything else, especially being a present partner. Grief can often be indistinguishable from depression. Your boyfriend is processing the shock and grief of his father’s terminal diagnosis which is probably one of the hardest thing anyone can ever go through and that doesn’t leave him with much emotional space and capacity to process the issues you and his sister are going through especially when you’ve shared that you don’t think you can be with someone whose family hates you, which might be a lot to emotionally handle at a time he is already very fragile. I don’t know what his relationship is like with his sister but it’s very common for people to draw closer to, or seek to draw closer to, to family members that understand what they are going through which might put the issues you’re having with his sister at direct odds with that. 

There’s a lot of relationship advice out there that talks about how while we hope that both people can give 50/50 in a relationship at all times, the reality is that there are time periods or moments where one person gives 90% and the other can only give 10%. For my relationship, I had to take the 90% role when he was grieving & while he felt guilt about not being able to the boyfriend he wanted to be at that moment I reassured him that all that mattered to me was being able to support him, and when my mum received her diagnosis, it was the other way around. I was in despair, could barely eat or sleep and was in constant tears, and he had to take the 90% role, and although I felt the same feelings he had three years ago (and guilt about how my grief was triggering his own grief) he reassured me the same. I really don’t think I’d have had the capacity to deal with my boyfriend having any issues with any of my family members no matter how justified it might be or despite how much I love him. 

I don’t want to overstep and every relationship is different but the best advice I’d give you given what you’ve shared is to try as much as possible to put the issues with his sister aside, and reassure him that you’re completely there for him despite the issues with her, and you’ll be as civil as you can with her (or at least keep your distance from her to minimise drama) for the sake of your relationship, and so you can be as much of a support system for him during this time. Accept that you may have to be the 90% right now, and put your feelings aside while he goes thought the hardest thing he’s probs ever gone through. Try resist the temptation to “fix” him. It’s incredibly difficult to watch someone you love in emotional pain and turmoil but it’s a normal grief reaction and he needs the space to feel & process it. He might still need time alone or to walk away from the relationship but it’s probs the best you can do. 

Sorry for the very long post and I wish you and him all the best