Only child mum dying of cancer and I’m only 35

JEM, my situation is not the same - it's my daughter who has cancer - but we're all members of the same club here. I just wanted to reach out to you. The first few weeks are absolutely the worst, when it's all so new and frightening.  Are you going with your mum to oncology appointments? That has helped me, knowing what's going on makes you stronger. I hope you have a supportive CNS, daughter's has been a great help to both of us.

Be kind to yourself, this is a huge shock. Keep posting here, everyone is on your side. Sending love, strength and a massive hug. X

Thank you for replying

yes I will go with her. I’m just worried they will say she is too ill for treatment. 

im sorry you are going through this with your daughter. Something a mum never wants to do

what is cns? We have had no support whatsoever at the moment! 

A CNS is a clinical nurse specialist. Where daughter is treated (Guy's) every patient is assigned one. We see her at the majority of appointments, she's usually in with the consultant. Daughter also has a 24 hour number for the CNS team and has used it often. You phone through to the triage team. If 'your' CNS is on duty, they will call you back. If not, another one will. Daughter's CNS rang me a few times during the first few weeks to check that I was okay. She's been wonderful for us. I hope you have something similar. xxx

Thank you haven’t had any of that yet

Hi J.E.M,

Wanted to reach out as this really home for me. I'm 32, my mum is 54 and has also just been diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. She went to hospital nearly 10 weeks ago now with what we thought was a tummy infection that wouldn't go away, we've had the diagnosis and she's still there now. She's a fraction of the person she was before this and she hasn't even started treatment yet. 

I'm not an only child but I might as well be, we have no relationship or contact with my older sister. Makes me resent her even more, going through absolute hell right now and feel like my whole world is ending and she's just off living her life. My dad and I are really close, all 3 of us are. But I can't lean on him at all because he's having such a tough time dealing with this himself, him and my mum have been together since they were 14.

I hope you've got some good people around you, I'm here if you do need to talk more. Personally I'm finding it really hard to talk to friends or my partner because I feel like they don't understand how painful this is. So maybe talking to a stranger that does would be easier?

All those emotions you have are exactly the same as mine. I'm angry because my mum is such a wonderful person and doesn't deserve this. I feel like I'm being robbed, she's so young and I always just assumed I'd have more time to have children etc and now I don't even know if these are things I'd want to do without my mum in my life. Trying to take things one day at a time and what's helping me cope is being there for her, as much as I can.

Do you know if your mum has a treatment plan or anything yet?

Hello

you are lucky you are close to your dad as I am not so I literally have no one

weve had the meeting today and unfortunately due to her being unwell with her breathing and she can’t walk properly yet due to hip they have said they can’t treat her. I’m heart broken. We have decided she is to move to a hospice tomorrow to try and get better so she can potentially have treatment but who knows

my world has turned upside down. A month ago she was my mum my best friend loving life and now she’s this frail old lady 

be good to keep in touch 

I'm so sorry to hear that. I have everything crossed for you she will get the care she needs in the hospice and can recover enough for some form of treatment. Sending lots of love.

I am very lucky to have my dad you're right. But at the same time I'm so worried about him I feel like I have to be the one to stay strong for everyone. We only see eachother at the hospital all day every day at the minute where we put on a brave face as much as we can for mum. He doesn't want to do anything other than go home on his own after (we don't live together) as it's too upsetting for him to do anything without my mum.

Here if you need a chat or to unload as I really don't think anyone can understand until they're forced to go through it. Let us know how your mum gets on, sending all the positive vibes for her to start to improve xx

Thank you so so much. It’s so hard I’m crying so much this morning at the thought my mum may never stay at my house again. My kids said goodbye to her and it just broke me. 

I hope your dad is okay. It must be so so hard. It scares me that someone could be so ill without knowing

So sorry for this tough time you are going through.  I am also an only child and even though my Dad is here, he refuses to discuss what is happening and that mum's disease is progressing.  We have a difficult relationship and it's so hard on us all including my husband and children.  Sending you a hug.  I hope it helps in any small way.  It helps just to know you're not alone, so thank you for sharing your story x

Hi everyone. I'm also in a similar boat. This is my first time posting on here since finding out yesterday that my mum's bone and liver cancer is pretty extensive. She started treatment today but at the moment the prognosis isn't good. This is a secondary diagnosis after she had breast cancer two years ago, which was successfully treated at the time. This time around it started with back pain which we were told was a spinal fracture, so she went three months undiagnosed because no one thought to get her straight in for a CT scan, even given her history (bone cancer is common after the type of breast cancer she had). I think I've accepted that being angry at the NHS for various missteps along the way so far is pointless and won't get me anywhere, but at the same time I do wonder whether we'd be in as bad a situation as we are if it was spotted earlier. 

I can absolutely relate to how painful and utterly heartbreaking it is to see our mums go from full of life, active, healthy and mobile to just a shell of their former selves in a matter of months. My mum is pretty much bed bound, losing weight, becoming a bit confused and forgetful because of the amount of morphine she's on... it's just horrendous to witness and be powerless to take it away from them. I feel completely shattered, scared, exhausted, confused... truthfully, I want to run away and pretend this isn't happening. I'm 31 and my mum is 68. I'm an only child and my mum is single (currently going through a divorce and just moved house two weeks ago as a result). I live in London and my mum's in Bournemouth but am facing the prospect of being my mum's main carer (alongside her wonderful friends and brother). I don't want to do this and I don't know how I'll cope, but I might have to. 

JEM — this may be a little late now but I absolutely agree with Cherry that you should ask for CNS. My mum has two who are brilliant, and they're also available for us (as children/family) for support and information.  

I don't know how people go through this and come out the other side, but I know that they do. I'd love to keep in touch with anyone who reads this and needs the support from someone else who understands. Please don't hesitate to DM me. Sending so much love and peace to you all. x